I am new to this site, and thank god I found it. I have been clean for 4 years now. I went to outpatient treatment but in retrospect all they really did for me there was help me get off the drugs. There was no talk of the emotional wreckage that would follow and I find myself struggling day in and day out. I left a huge mess behind me and I cant seem to move forward with my life. I am a mother of 3 amazing children and really had no experience with drugs but after a surgery found myself addicted to pain medication and after 6 months had totally destroyed my life and my 20 year marriage and hurt my children horribly. Two of my children live with me now but the third one rarely speaks to me. I miss her horribly every single day. I live in the pain that I caused every day. I am a mess, sometimes I feel like I am more of a mess than I was for those 6 months, how in the world will I ever get past all of this? I cant forgive myself, others wont forgive me, I am stuck, I am just stuck. I went to my first meeting last week and it felt amazing to hear others talk and feel just like I do, but im hurting so bad right now. I will keep going to meetings and pray that somehow I find my way through this emotional mess that I am in, but today I can't seem to see an end to it.
Hello Candice and Welcome!! Yes it is amazing how we find out later that our disease consists of mental,physical and spiritual brokeness.It is no wonder that without valid information(not misinformation or lies we would tell ourselves while active)that many of us relapse..Living "life on life's terms without self medicating is the real battle! We do learn how to 'COME TO BELIEVE" in a power greater than ourselves whose guidelines are only that it be loving and caring and greater than yourself....Through sponsorship,working in the "solution" our steps ,continuing to show up and giving back ,we learn to take life as it comes,share our pain and move forward in our Higher Powers will for us..It is a process but " a new way to live' will certainly be revealed ,the more you work at it!We can face situations a little at a time until we continually build our support network,our real trust in our Higher Power and sometimes its minute by minute,hour by hour,but it does get better..USING ONLY AMPLIFIES ANY PAIN WE ARE IN,maybe not so obvious at the moment but soon to be reckoned with...Clean time does not equal recovery but on certain days it 'is definitely our biggest asset" It is great that you want to continue to show up.Staying in the day,not the torment of projection the "what ifs' and learning to love yourself will happen,but remember also "we will love you until you can love yourself..Keep coming back,all things will pass,make a decision to turn over the pain to the "care" of your HP AND GET OUT OF THE WAY, MORE WILL DEFINITELY BE REVEALED..Let us know how its going......I will lift you up in prayer!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thank you for your reply and including me in your prayers. Learning to love myself is key for me right now. I have so much regret and disappointment in myself that I really dont feel I am worth a whole heck of a lot right now. I will keep coming back, thank you for having me.
We can't unring the bell but we can move through and past the pain and make direct amends and living amends; we can learn to forgive ourselves as we learn that God has graced us with a second (or third or fourth) chance. Sometimes the truth is that day-to-day reality seems to get worse before it gets better (feelings, life problems, relationships, etc.) but as long as we don't use and we work the steps it DOES get better
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Thank you Lee. Unring the bell....that seems to be where I am stuck. I know it is not possible to unring a bell, but I seem to get stuck in the wanting to go back and undo all that has been done. It is ridiculous really when I sit and think about it because I know it isnt possible but as I came out of the fog that was my addiction I was simply shocked at the mess I had made, the destruction I had caused. I went to a meeting last night and there were two speakers and sitting there listening to one of them I just broke down. She went through similar things as I did and she seemed so ok now, I want that so badly, so badly. I see that it has worked for others and want that so badly for myself and am willing to do the work it will take to get there but I find myself feeling rather impatient about it all, I want it now....sound familiar? :)
I cant forgive myself, others wont forgive me, I am stuck, I am just stuck.
Oh, I have so been there. For years that was the story of my life. I would wake up in the morning, the sun shining in my window, the birds chirping merrily, and I would lie in bed with my stomach in a knot dreading facing the day and hating myself for being such a loser. then I found the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. Nothing, absolutely nothing has healed me better than working the steps with my sponsor. I have tried it all....doctors, shrinks, therapists, guru's you name it. I am now able to face each day as it comes. Yes, I have "bad days" but my entire life used to be a bad day, now the rule is that I am happy being me and the bad day is the exception. Please, give yourself a break. Keep going to meetings. Pray for the right sponsor to present herself, and then work these steps. And by all means, keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.
