(I posted this on another site chose to share it here too)

I am starting over after 5 years clean and sober I am still struggling having a hard time with wanting to live life on it's own terms for me being dually diagnoised see things very black and white its either one way or absolutley nothing at all black and white thinking a friend says ignorance is bliss
i understand that now cause I think my head caught up with reality today its not so blissful I am seeing in my relationships I am doing the same thing over and over expecting different results yes INSANITY at it's finest in more than one area of my life being unmanagable is a reality I need to get a grip on this is a family disease my mother pointed it out today asI try to make something outta nothing at all wanting nothing but someone to love me for who Iam I find myself picking the same types as my old shrink would tell me Rayne you cannot save the world; although I till try I have a huge heart I want to share that some day but I think in honest I need to worry about me for awhile it's been a rough 2 years I have been stuck in my room for along time now Iam getting out and about being still in active addiction since the relapse my sponsor says I can not be responsible for this dis ease because I am poweerless and this is a problem I did not cause it in fact is an illness I just needed to vent I think but I am need of someone I can tell my secrets to and I feel all alone in this world lonley but at the same time like being alone after awhile I realize I am better that way ty for listening
" I am selfish impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am outta control and at times hard to handle but if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best" Marilyn Monroe

Hello Manon - "One day at a Time" when I approach any step I am on with this in mind - I give myself room to learn and trust the process.  We really don't have to figure anything out - It just helps to not pick up anything and remember the "We" part of the program and life gets figured out - I automatically am able to handle situations that use to baffle me - I am no longer in as much fear..Again, This really isn't rocket scientist stuff..It's about discipline, spiritual tools, addicts who are not about using and have found a new way life, service and working some steps with another..We have a way of clogging our walk with a bunch of outside stuff - people, places and things - and we forget the solutions are in the steps.  so if we are dealing with outside stuff and have not or will not use the tools that is a gift to each addict who walks into NA - We are unable to walk clearly or grounded and can get very little freedom (my belief) or it all becomes Temporay - And for me Temporary always led me to death in some form or another - emotionally, physical or spiritual - So even in recovery I can sometimes get into spiritual death stuff.  But I have learned to pull out the tools of Recovery and I can truly shift back into recovery..Kinda much - I just wanted to truly reach out to you - and remind you Manon that this is a gift - and we should hold onto our gift - our life depends on it.  I want to encourage you to walk lightly and be still long enough and hear what your HP has for you on a daily basis. I am sure he speaks to you as he speaks to countless others..Praying for peace