We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic.
Basic Text, p. 30
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A common complaint about the Fourth Step is that it makes us painfully conscious of our defects of character. We may be tempted to falter in our program of recovery. Through surrender and acceptance, we can find the resources we need to keep working the steps.
Its not the awareness of our defects that causes the most agonyits the defects themselves. When we were using, all we felt was the drugs; we could ignore the suffering our defects were causing us. Now that the drugs are gone, we feel that pain. Refusing to acknowledge the source of our anguish doesnt make it go away; denial protects the pain and makes it stronger. The Twelve Steps help us deal with the misery caused by our defects by dealing directly with the defects themselves.
If we hurt from the pain of our defects, we can remind ourselves of the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which weve now awakened. We can recall the hope for release the Second Step gave us. We can again turn our will and our lives over, through the Third Step, to the care of the God of our understanding. Our Higher Power cares for us by giving us the help we need to work the rest of the Twelve Steps. We dont have to fear our feelings. Just for today, we can continue in our recovery.
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Just for today: I wont be afraid of my feelings. With the help of my Higher Power, Ill continue in my recovery.
I actually had a terrifying nightmare while doing my 4th step. I thought I had gone through all my resentments and was kinda smug "that wasn't so bad" y'know............anyway that night I had a dream that featured a couple of people and situations that I was holding serious anger about. I had what I can only call a 'rage' dream. I woke up sweating and shaking. My HP was letting me know LOUD & CLEAR that I had only scratched the surface of my resentments. I went on to complete the step and can honestly say my inventory was indeed "searching and fearless" It wasn't a fun task, but it set the stage for the remaining steps. After step 7 I felt a calm and inner peace that I haven't known for many years. I know in my heart that the God of my understanding removed certain of my most damaging defects. this program works miracles. I know this because I am one of them.
Just like our 8th step(just make the list) leading to our 9th I had to remember to remain searching and fearless(in our 4th) and not think about admitting to another human(5th) and also making direct amends to others(in our 9th).Staying in the actual step and not looking toward the next helped keep me focused ,honest and thorough!The freedom of finally getting truly honest with who I was and being able to relieve my guilt and hopefully maybe help others with their anger by moving forward has truly been miraculous in my life....The steps are our solution, they are the principles that make ourrecovery possible!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
