iv been having a problem the last few weeks..my girlfriend keeps thinking i relapse or going to...i keep reassuring her that i haven't an I'm not going to....i tell her i refuse an wont give myself permission to go back to that horrible life...i love who i am today...i know its going to take time for her to trust me again..but i don't want her to drive herself crazy about this...i feel so bad making her worry all the time..i don't know what i should do..so please give me some advice
Sean: It's hard to advise so I won't. I'll just tell you what I've observed in my life. Sometimes I'm around people who love me and they recognize things in my behaviors that are indicators that I'm at a place that I used to choose dope over them.
It can, as you say, take time for them to get used to me making another choice and I have to learn patience and tolerance.
It can be that I need to look at what I'm being told as well. I can take a little inventory: Am I praying? Am I going to a meeting a day? Am I contacting people in NA? Is my sponsor aware of this fear from others? Does my sponsor see anything different? What step am I on? And how long since I wrote on it? Have I been in touch or thinking about being in touch with anyone I ever used with or scored from?
For me recovery is active change in ideas and attitudes. If my attitude is reverting sometimes others may notice it first.
Others can be anxious and just off base with their perception of us. They can sometimes be right on the money. The old saying goes if someone calls you a monkey you can over look it. If you go to a meeting and people start saying you look like a monkey; take a look behind you, you probably have a tail!
Thanks for sharing here and helping me with my self-awareness issues.
Sean - what I did when others didn't believe or trust my recovery - I just kept on doing what I do - go to meetings, calling sponsor, work steps and don't use in between - and what happened they could see my walk, my talk, my actions is what got them to believe - today it is no longer a question - she will get thru it..you have to TRUST that
I think Terry nailed it. Just keep clean, one day at a time and eventually people will start to accept the new you. Was she your girlfriend when you were using? If so then you being clean is very different for her. She has a lot of adjusting to do.
i have been clean for three years. the hardest time for me was when i was one chemo my family that because i stop eating all together that i was doing drugs again. if you hang around the people that you did when you did do it. that can sometimes put doubt in the person. if you ask me keep doing what you are doing. recovery first. show you are doing it. give her time.
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one minute at a time it works when you don't give up
Yes, Im powerless over what other people interpret of my actions..
But,, I have power to change my onw behaviour; I can at least try and look at the signals Im sending out..
Theres a thing called acting out. This means behaving like I did when I was using; especially what I did before ging out to score or what reasons i made up to continue using...
But yes, relationships are a terribly painful area cause we tend to project and fantasize what will happen (Basic Text)..
I recently had to let go of a pretty, vivacious, talented woman because she kept insisting I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing or wasnt where I was supposed to be.. I tried to explain, reason out, give evidence but I was always made to feel defensive and doubted. This brought out red flags and I finally made a decision to move on,,,a terribly painful decisoin but I had lot of input from recovering people....
And now I find Im not so lonely without her as I first thought I maybe,,, I figure it is better to be lonely as in solitude in recovery than being alone with the dis-ease !!!
Hmmmmmm,,, and so life goes on.
Thank God and NA that Ive learnt to keep staying clean and staying serene as my priorities...
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I totally agree w/ all of the other posts. Really good replies. I have actually almost posted that question several times myself so thanks for sharing your frustrations and fears because it's like they say you never know who might need to hear them just as much as you or more. I still find that i get very defensive or sarcastic when my family starts questioning me or obsessing over everywhere i go or anyone i see. It's actually one of the biggest problems I've had and still have since I've been home. It drives me crazy and I resent the hell out of it but at the same time it's very hard to blame them. Just yesterday I told my mom that if we didn't put some distance between us she was going to drive me crazy. She's been staying w/ me & my girls since I came home in June and she's been a big help and I hate even admitting this because she's been so good to us. But my mom has always gone from one extreme to the other about everything. Whether she was enabling me (which she has my whole life until now) or trying the tough love thing. She's been surrounded by alcoholics & addicts her whole life but yet she doesn't have a clue about recovery. So if I have the slightest mood change or tell my daughter to clean her room or she can't go anywhere my mom automatically assumes the worst. So I definitely know exactly how you feel. I know for me though I do probably relapse mentally & emotionally a lot more than I ever realize and that can be very dangerous for me. Just something to think about. Sorry for rambling.... Guess I really did need this one huh? lol
Take Care, Stacey
-- Edited by sstaceye69 on Tuesday 14th of September 2010 10:43:36 AM
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The Will Of GOD Will Never Take You Where The Grace Of GOD Will Not Protect You
hey there :) I can definitely relate. You see, I am married to another addict, who I used with (duh...been with the boy for almost 7 years, been clean for almost 4 months) and between him, his mother, and my grandparents it felt like I couldn't frown or laugh without being questioned. One night after a particularly bad incident, I went to a meeting and the topic was "patience". The meeting leader shared about how even though we feel and know we are changing through recovery, it is hard for those that love us and went through hell with us to not be afraid. I ranted a little bit about how every time I do anything, people are accusing me of smelling like my drug of choice or of having relapsed in some way. That night, a woman who has 12 years clean, that never comes to our meeting hall, came in and shared. She had been in active addiction for over 20 yrs, and explained that she cant undo 20 years of damage in 12. Remember, we didn't become addicted overnight, so easy does it... what she shared was exactly what I needed to hear. If I keep doing the next right thing, working the steps, and don't use, my life will improve, I will regain some of the trust I destroyed, but I have to remember that these ppl went through hell with me, and I didn't become addicted overnight, I am not going to become recovered overnight, and I can't fix all my relationships overnight. Not to mention I can't control others. Plus, as others on this board said, it's good to have an outside perspective on one's behavior. I emotionally relapse all the time. It's getting better, but I will never take for granted the fact that when I am off, I am just a glass or pipe away from the living death I am crawling away from. It does get easier. Peace and Love MelBell
