my name is Sean I'm 21 years old..iv been battling this horrible sickness since i was 15.. it sometimes seems like its a lost cause for me....i started off with pot an drinking..and it was off to the races...iv pretty much have done ever god forsaken drug there is.it didn't get bad till i moved to PA to my uncles...i started use dope after about a month in PA...and from there it just got worse an worse....i lost everything in a matter of 2 years...i lost my family..myself...good friends...everything but i didn't care all i cared about was that next fix....an then i overdosed in my dealers house..he then put me under a tree in front of his house...the cops were there in about 10 mins..i woke up in the hospital with my aunt next to me telling me i needed help..they gave me a nercon shot to the chest...i was immediately dope sick..not even 3 hrs later i was released...as soon as i got home i was shooting up again..that's the sick side of this sickness..i was told in the hospital if they were 10 mins later i would of been dead..they told me i wasn't breathing i was swallowing my tongue andfoaming from the mouth...and i still didn't care..the next day i was told i was going to rehab...i went to a 30 day rehab in PA...YEA it worked for a lil bit...i got out an was clean for about 6 months..i was put on probation for a charge about 2 weeks prior to rehab..i had a 5 year suspended sentence..they told me i was on probation for the next 4 years....you would think that would stop someone from fucking up...nope not me tho...i moved back to nj to my sister house were her 1yr andex husband lived...i was clean for about 6 months..doing the 90 an 90 got a sponsergoing to meeting 2 to 3 times a day...then there was a death in the family...my aunt debbie who i was very close with..i had so many emotion at once i didnt know how to deal with it....i went back to useing dope in a matter of a few hours...and it was even worse this time...i was shooting dope in my sister house were my 1 yr old niece lived...it makes me feel like shit when i think about it....my mother was the one who knew i was getting high again...i went out one day with my sister andmy mom watched the baby...she found my dope and needles...we came back andshe was sitting outside..i knew she found it....she told me to get help or leave an dont come back...which led me to my 2nd detox an rehab....my probation officer told me if i didnt get my shit right im doing the 5 years in state prison..so i went...i really wanted it this time...so i went to daytop i did 8 months there...when i got out i felt great i went to a oxford house in princeton nj..i got a job an was doing great...i then ran into a few problems...everyone in the halfway house was using so i left...got a place in dayton nj an still was doing great...i got everything back my family...and myself well-being...i moved to a friends house about 4 months of living in dayton rent was to high..she and her family were positive...i once again ran into another problem..kinda found out this girl was a little crazy..lol...so i moved to my uncles in barnegat nj..i loved it..the beach was close and i was withmy family...i had a great job at the hospital...i found out one of my old friends from jackson lived like 10 mins away...i went out with him one day..i didntknow he was using...we were driving around an he light up a blunt....an went to pass it to me..i didnt want too but i did....and it was off the the races...i told myself i would never to dope again....so i started using pain-pills thinking it was better then dope....it just got worse and worse..i had been talking to my ex from like 8th grade alot..we finally started dating..i told her everything that happened to me in the past 5 yrs..but i didnt tell her i was still using pills..she knew i drank and smoked weed..she didn't like it but let it go...it was great i had never been happier...i tried a few times to stop using the pain-pills...but i would get sick and give into the craving...it just got worse and worse...i started using at my job..i got fired...it got really bad at thing point..i started stealing money from her...i feel like a total scum bag junkie for it...she started seeing a difference in me...i was using oxycontin really bad...it all went down hill from there...i started to make it like everything was good..it wasent...i was screaming inside...i just wanted to stop..but i couldn't...i went to the brigeby my house...i really wanted to jump...my girlfriend talked me out of it....she still didnt know why i wanted to...i lied to her...it got even worse...she final walked in on me snorting a oxy..i knew it was over...i felt so dead inside...she dropped me off about 3am tht night..i cried for hours wishing it would just end...the next day she told my sister what happened...my mom came over to my house an i knew she said something....i left the house and got high came back to my mom once again crying outside...telling me shes not going to bury her son....i started to look for rehabs..i want it so bad this time...i couldn't get into any place right away....i started detoxing at home..it was the worse one yet...i couldn't eat drink i never puked so much in my life...i shaked for hours an hours..every cell in my body was screaming to go out an get high..i told my self no..by day 3 i went to my moms house..i started to dehydrate to the point that i was pissing blood..i couldn'ttake it anymore..i left my moms an went to find away to get high..i came home and she bought me to the hospital..she then told them everything and they put me in the nut house for 5 days...which was good they gave me stuff to help with the detox....im currently sitting at my moms clean trying to hold it all together....please please help me....
Youre in the right place buddy... Keep sharing feelings here, the bad ones will go away and the good ones will get better. NA works for any addict, anywhere !
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hey LOG666,WELCOME TO THE FORUM! I m glad you are continuing to reach out.I also have a 24 year old son,who is also IV Heroin abuser,just went back out ,robbed us again and is wreaking havoc through out the area.Same type of autobio,clean,relapsed,tried different substances,jails,od'd 3 times (clinically dead,anaphalactic shock)Daytop 8 months till kicked out,rehab's AMA 'D COMPLETED ,TRANSITIONS,FINALLY FINISHING HIS BID IN JAIL.He has still not totally surrendered..You do not mention any programming in your share(NA MEETINGS,SPONSORSHIP,SUPPORT GROUPS ETC.)wE SAY "NOTHING CHANGES ,IF NOTHING CHANGES"! What are you going to do different this time?It must start with total surrender,admission you are powerless and daily work...At 22 are you ready to "find a new way to live"?you can,but it takes commitment.Do not project about the future,what will you do now,what about my friends(are they really or just contacts?) can I never party again(absolutely but clean and free from active addiction)I can only suggest trying to find a meeting(Narcotics Anonymous)share where your at and ask for help there,You'll get names,people to talk with,our literature tells us the group is responsible for sponsorship until you can seek one out.There are many different roads to recovery but our program teaches us how to live through spiritual principles after "we stop using"..Drugs are the symptom,but most have been on a run somehow even before we first picked up.You can Google,NA.ORG,READ SOME LITERATURE,What is Narcotics Anonymous program,Who is an addict,How it works,etc...So far your best thinking has gotten you where you are so give yourself a break and give it a try..You will be among people just like you and I..This is a we program and we work together to help one another.The dope sickness will pass as you know because you've gotten clean,but the manifestations in "all the areas of your life" have to be addressed..Hope to hear more from you.YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!OTHERS WILL BE ON WITH SUGGESTIONS AND THEIR EXPERIENCE ,STRENGTH AND HOPE.Stick around ,don't leave before the miracle occurs......peace
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Sean,You're in the right place being here.But man you got to learn to stay away from any old friends because they will help drag you down that road again.Only you can get clean ,it is a lifetime committment day to day to stay clean.I used for 39 years I had to learn to stay clean it has not been easy.
You did manage to stay clean for a while by going to meetings and working with a sponsor. Get back to doing that. The NA program is very simple--but you have to do it to stay clean. It won't work if you don't work it. It's good that you are willing to share honestly on this board. Hang in there!
Listening to you makes me realize how important it is to reach out and use our phone list and how real the disease is. Make sure you have some phone numbers. Make sure you change your people places and things. This is what worked for me. I too was very sick since about 18 years old. I too at the age of 43 relaped to anything that would make me have no pain. Today I am clean and recovering for 3 years. I have a good core of friends in the rooms. I attend NA meetings regularly. For me this works. If you dont have a support person or group next to you, email me marigoldhead1963@hotmail.com I would be glad to talk with you. I will be praying for you. Take one minute at a time.
..and it was off the the races...i told myself i would never to dope again....so i started using pain-pills thinking it was better then dope....it just got worse and worse..i had been talking to my ex from like 8th grade alot..we finally started dating..i told her everything that happened to me in the past 5 yrs..but i didnt tell her i was still using pills..she knew i drank and smoked weed..she didn't like it but let it go...it was great i had never been happier...i tried a few times to stop using the pain-pills...but i would get sick and give into the craving...it just got worse and worse...i started using at my job..i got fired...it got really bad at thing point..i started stealing money from her...i feel like a total scum bag junkie for it...she started seeing a difference in me...i was using oxycontin really bad...it all went down hill from there...i started to make it like everything was good..it wasent...i was screaming inside...i just wanted to stop..but i couldn't...i went to the brigeby my house...i really wanted to jump...my girlfriend talked me out of it....she still didnt know why i wanted to...i lied to her...it got even worse...she final walked in on me snorting a oxy..i knew it was over...i felt so dead inside...she dropped me off about 3am tht night..i cried for hours wishing it would just end...the next day she told my sister what happened...my mom came over to my house an i knew she said something....i left the house and got high came back to my mom once again crying outside...telling me shes not going to bury her son....i started to look for rehabs..i want it so bad this time...i couldn't get into any place right away....i started detoxing at home..it was the worse one yet...i couldn't eat drink i never puked so much in my life...i shaked for hours an hours..every cell in my body was screaming to go out an get high..i told my self no..by day 3 i went to my moms house..i started to dehydrate to the point that i was pissing blood..i couldn'ttake it anymore..i left my moms an went to find away to get high..i came home and she bought me to the hospital..she then told them everything and they put me in the nut house for 5 days...which was good they gave me stuff to help with the detox....im currently sitting at my moms clean trying to hold it all together....please please help me....
