Manon: I have to tell you that I've been clean for a long time. I relapsed six or seven times from 1979 to 1989 and struggled then with staying clean. I had been married and divorced twice at that time. Since then I've gone back to school and gotten a Master's degree, I've also been on the same Job for 19 years and am employable today.

I've also gotten some lisencing that allows me to work as a pofessional in other areas. I have many old friends in NA and a few that aren't in recovery. My life has changed in so many ways. I have a faith in God today. When I realise that faith I am not always comfortable but I am always safe. Without continuing to be involved in NA none of this would be possible.

I have continued the patterns of relationships for much of my time in recovery to the point of I've been married and divorced in recovery three times. (Yes that's a total of five.) I struggle with relationships today. So far it has never been about how "Good" or "Bad" the person is for me. The common denominator is me. This is an inside job and there are still times my insides feel like jelly, raw and sensitive to every thought. The fear that someone will leave me, or that I will be alone can be devaststing. I have those feelings today.

Some call this a personality disorder, some give it other clinical names. Some call it Love addiction, some call it co-dependancy. Others will tell us it's "Toxic shame".

Believe me when I tell you that the only way to get through any feeling is to accept that it is present and acknowledge it is not pleasant and know this one thing: This too shall pass. No acceptance from another will cure it, that only temporarily creates another feeling that we find more tolerable, and there in lies the desription of the dilemma as an addiction.

The only real reason for naming it is so that we can know what literature, medication, training will actually relate to our recovery from it. I'll say now that my home is Narcotics Anonyous and no other spiritual program has helped me more. By that token as well, no revery effort I've made has gone without reward.

I wouldn't give advice but I will suggest that the knowledge that we can stand our own pain, always, has helped me. The thing I heard in NA that fits is, God will never put more on me than I can handle.

I pray for you and your recovery and really appreciate you putting this out there. It will pay off.




-- Edited by JoeB on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 10:17:09 AM