My husband usually spends the weekends with me. My daughter still does not like him to spend the weekend but she is making concessions. I love being around my husband, he is sober and at times a real companion. Just like using, sobriety comes with its own set of problems. When I need something repaired around our home, my husband is there to fix it. I should be shouting thank you from the roof tops.
However, to maintain his peace and sobriety, my husband has emotionally detached from me and our marriage. For the first time in his life, my husband has to deal with his emotions and problems without self-medicating. While I would love to get closer to him, he cannot deal with emotional intimacy at this present time. It has been well over a year and we do not have sex. He fears loosing himself to drugs and does not want to go back to that life ever again. He feels that having sexual relations and emotional intimacy with me at this point and time in his recovery will distract him from his goal which is to remain sober and ruin his peace of mind. Because I am working my own recovery program in Al-Anon I can understand his feelings. He is not at home and still is forced to live with his parents. In essence, my husband is a stranger in his own home. At times, he feels extremely ill at ease and then there are those times he feels right at home.
However, my husband and I are both waging war on different fronts. His is drugs and mine is doubt, insecurity and fear. When I give into my doubts and fears the insecurity beast attacks and is unrelenting.
On Sunday, I broke down in tears in the bathroom. My husband and I were watching a movie in bed and I reached out to touch him. I wanted him to comfort me and reassure me that our marriage would survive this test. Folks, right now, I am so insure about my own sexuality and the fear of the future that I could not enjoy the time my husband was spending with me this weekend.
I hate feeling needy and more importantly, I hate begging him for scraps of affection. I know logically, that my husband cannot fulfill my emotional needs right now. To be honest he has his hands full with just trying to stay sober each day. I complicate our relationship and our day together when I push him to give me more. Thank God for my Al-Anon sponsor, she was my life line this weekend. I talked to her several times this weekend.
At first, I could not identify the emotion I was feeling. Yes, it all leads back to the insecurity beast but she helped me to understand why the beast attacked me this weekend. My sponsor is a God send. She remained me that my husband is emotionally and mentally immature. He is still trying to figure out who he really is and that I need to remember to stay in the day to enjoy and treasure the moments that I have with him.
When I live my life in today and let go of tomorrow worries I can keep the insecurity beast at bay. I can enjoy the day and be happy. Today, I will not worry about tomorrow and will let tomorrow take care of its self. But this is so hard for me to do.
Love you all,
~~Delta
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Monday 16th of August 2010 03:18:20 PM
Hey Delta,I'll stop back later when I can talk with you.For right now though,get with God,I will pray for some peace and serenity for you and your husband right now.No doubt this is a devastating family disease and it takes lot of work to gap the bidges and valleys that have been created........I'll talk with you tonight.In support and my prayers!!!
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Good morning Delta, in the grace of the God of our understanding!!Insecurities,the fears ,the projections,the expectations continue ,because we are fallen human beings and we are challenged in all areas of our lives.In our literature(Basic Text)tells us"one of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery(for addicts and dependents of)seem to be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others'RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE A TERRIBLY PAINFUL AREA!!!.Says we tend to fantasize and project what will happen.We get angry and resentful if our fantasies(needs) arent fulfilled.We forget we are "powerless" over other people!!Old thoughts and feelings of lonliness,despair ,helplessness and self pity creep in our lives again.We have to keep our recovery first and our priorities in order!(both sides of the fence)It is only through the grace of our Higher Power and the support of our process we are working that will help us to step back and let the work be done. Although we say we know what programs tell us to do(Naranon,Al Anon CODA etc) we still can only do things in our own way and own time.Our 24 year old son,heroin addict,just relapsed,stole over a $1000.00 from us, and then 2 weeks later stole our wedding rings and diamond bands and swears it wasnt him. We have finally reached the culminating stage of "total abstinence from him"No contact,do not want to know what he is doing and the consequences of his actions will prove his failing or moving toward continued recovery.Our hearts are heavy but we have finally allowed to let go and let him totally find his way..We only pray that our hearts do not harden to the point of no return for him.We are taking it one day at a time.The reason I share this with you,is to say that we also have had our insecurities ,our knowlege of what to do but sometimes not the will to do it.Only God can intervene for us.Have you tried sharing your feelings with your husband?? We get into that "eggshell" syndrome and don't want to stir up the pot but honesty can overcome a lot of things.I can only suggest continuing your program,stay close with your support group,sponsor etc,DO NOT DWELL ON ANY RESENTMENTS!!!,they are the nemesis tO all our thoughts and actions and continue to pray and take care of yourself.It is true,that our maturation level goes into suspended animation while we are caught in the grip. After years of devastation and using addicts don't know how to act in "sober situations"Its a learning experience and the fears and anxieties are still lingering. Dr. Phil I am definitely not,in fact some situation with my son recently has left me spiritually plummetted and feeling like I know all the things I should do,but its not in my heart to do it....I let God determine the outcome as My best thinking took me where it did.Try and stay in the day,projection is a killer for everyone,the what if's ,I can't live like this forever,will it ever be better,etc,etc..will diminish any moves forward.I will lift you and your family up to the God of my understanding,know you are not alone,you can only take care of yourself and as much as we would like it to be different ,we can't get yesterday back,I believe we are not promised tomorrow,so for this day do the best you can,for me ,reaching out to help another always helps me.Leave the fears and anxieties to the power greater than yourself whose only guidelines are they be loving caring and greater than you....In support and prayer...
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Mike, thank you so much for your lovely response to my post. I greatly appreciate the time and thought it took for you to write me back. I will remember to live my life in the day and not focus or worry about tomorrow - I will try and I pray that I can continue to live my life cherishing each day I spend with my sober husband.
..
