My husband and I are trying to reconcile after being separated for the last 5 months. When he was asked to leave 5 months ago it was due to his addictions ( oxy's mostly) but will do anything. He wen't to a 21 day rehab program during our time apart and said he had never felt better. He relapsed about 3 weeks out of rehab. I did not know about the relapse untill recently but have still decided to try and make our marriage work. I love this man more than anything and I have been to counselling to try and stop my co-dependant behavious but it is still hard. He just signed up for another round of rehab so we our on the waiting list and I hope to get the call soon. He has been clean for 12 days now but of course all he can think about is using! It's all he can think about but at least he is telling me and communicating rather than just going out and using. I don't want to go back to the way we were and I know this will be tough but I told him as long as he is trying then I have his back 100% I don't want to become that non trusting, bitter, angry, shouting detective I was yet I don't wan't to seem super supportive that he will think it's ok to relapse over and over again and I will just let it go. It's so scary because I wan't to be there and support but am so afraid he will never get better. I have faith in him and he knows that, I just want to go about this the right way. Just not sure what I can do especially when his urge is so strong right now. Thanks for listening.
Hello Afraid and Confused! Sounds to me like you both could benefit from some support groups.Has your husband attended and Narcotics Anonymous meetings?Even when we put down the drugs we have many issues to work out.Addiction is physical mental and spiritual illness that filters through all areas of our lives.We have to learn the tools to learn how to face life on lifes terms without medicating ourselves.We will learn that we have to change our attitudes and behaviors and follow sugestions that will help keep us clean a day at a time.I would highly suggest he make a meeting,share his story,get some numbers of people working recovery and keep showing up.It is alo important,just as important for you to find a recovery solution.You say you are seeing a therapist.For me ,I have a 24 year old son who is in recovery from heroin addiction and I am also a member of Naranon,a 12 step recovery program for friends and relatives of addicts.You can share with others just like you and learn more tools to help you in your process of dealing with co-dependence and enabling behaviors.Stick around there is a rash of this going around and we may be able to offer suggestions that will help..It's time for some big decisions for both of you to make.You don;t have to live like this anymore..let us know how its going..peace.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi, and welcome. One of the first things we learn is that we can't do this alone. We need help. That's why there are fellowships. It's pretty clear that each of you could benefit from a 12 step program. He should go to NA and you to Nar-anon, or Al-anon. There each of you will find people who are going through, or have gone through pretty much the same thing as you two are going through now. It's such a relief when you realize that thousands and thousands of people all over the world struggle with the same issues that you struggle with. it's a great source of hope to learn that thousands have moved past the crisis and have found a new way to live. Give yourself a break and give it a try. I wish you well.
Pretty courageous of you to stick with the marriage - He can be difficult loving any addict especially when they are first getting clean. My experience of the family is that tough love is the best - Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no - that way there is no room for the game or manipulation tatics -Which we as addicts will try - but the good news is "We do recover" with hard work, meetings, sponsorship and prayer and doing the next right thing - no matter what - life will get different but it is possible - prayers to you and your family and the addict that still suffers
Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I'm trying to get my husband on here as I was telling him it is a great outlet for support! My husband has attended NA meetings while in rehab and when he got out. It was when he felt he was cured( three weeks out of rehab) that he stopped attending and then shortly after relapsed. Not nearly as bad as he was but a relapse is a relapse.
We will be attending one tonight and here on out untill he can get back into rehab, could be any day up to a 2 month wait.
Boundaries have been set as there were many before we split and he crossed all of them, hence why he was asked to remove himself from our home.
We have 2 little girls and that was one of the hardest things for him to deal with while he was in rehab...not being able to return to his home and family. I completely shut him out from my life except for communication about our children. He has no family here so my family had become his...they all closed communication off from him as well. He said he felt like we all gave up on him and that is hard for me to hear...we tried for years and we had to do what was neccesary...he was out of control! I'm glad HE made the choice to go to rehab as he didn't have to because I had already made him leave.....he was a free man! Is it normal for me to have all this guilt, because he felt like I gave up on him when he needed me most??????
I am looking into attended meetings of my own and I still see my counsellor regularly who specializes in addictions......as well as ADHD which my husband has had since childhood. Very common for adults and teens with ADD or ADHD to turn to drugs/alcohol. His doctor believes he should be medicated for this but we are in a catch 22 as the meds for ADHD are highly addictive and have a huge market on the streets so they won't even attempt to put him on anything untill he is clean for at least a year or more. Ughhhhh.
So sorry for the novel.....this really helps though! Getting it out and having valuable input. Even just sharing feels good!!!
I know it's going to be tough...we both do and he is so scared of hurting me but I'm more scared of him hurting himself!!!!!!!
Please try and remember; 1. You didnt cause his addiction 2. you cannot control his addiction for him 3. you are faced with the reality that there is no known cure for addiction but recovery is possible.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Turn your husband over to his higher power and continue to take care of yourself. It's so hard but it can be done with the loved ones in our life. I am glad you are here! Hang in!
