After over a year clean as soon as he did his sentence. He's back at it again. And I can't do this anymore. I hate him for this, he doesn't even try....
I can't believe after all these years, he's not tired of throwing away all that money, that he hasn't found any joy in a sober life, in a sober life with me....I hate him right now.
i understand your hatred but more so your broken heart and hurt feelings remember you can't fix him he has to hit bottom and unfortunatly that is different for evry addict most of us die b4 we surrender that is just thje statistcs hope this finds you blessed and that you have found a popwer greater thsan yourself to find refuge
-- Edited by Manon on Monday 5th of July 2010 11:00:14 PM
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Hey Janet, I hear your pain and anger. Take care of yourself. Maybe check out a local al-anon or nar-anon meeting. Your bound to find other women there going through the same stuff as you. I wish you both well.
Welcome Janet! I can definitely identify with your pain,anger ,resentments etc.I have a 24 year son ,A heroin addict,now by the grace of God ,in recovery,but he took us to the bridge.I had so much pain,and anger and yet as an addict myself I knew he was very sick.Yes get help for yourself.Learn tools of detachment with love.Learn as much about this disease that you can and make some choices that will help you save your life.I am an active member of Naranon,parents,friends and relatives of addicts and it has helped me learn some detachment tools.Its not easy but for your sanity ,it is a must.We get as sick,sometimes sicker than the one who is using...You have to really want recovery and he just may not "be done yet"! Save your life ,it will be the most helpful thing you can do.Believe me ,We have been living it for many years and are getting better'one day at a time"...let us know how its going okay!!! peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I understand your anger and hurt - I remember how I continued to use after doing well - then use again, and again - my family and friends and the ones who loved and cared for me - Just had to let me go - and when they did that they were able to deal with their grief and loss of losing a friend, lover, daughter, sister and so on - Eventually I got it - They had to let me go - so I could get down and dirty with my disease - to learn - to hurt - to feel - to fall - to get back up - and then to reach out - pray for this person if you can - and work on your stuff that is hurting you - He has a GOD - he has his own story to write
After over a year clean as soon as he did his sentence. He's back at it again. And I can't do this anymore. I hate him for this, he doesn't even try....
I can't believe after all these years, he's not tired of throwing away all that money, that he hasn't found any joy in a sober life, in a sober life with me....I hate him right now.
its all we know. u think hes loving being an addict! i highly doubt it. i wonder why he's not tired of throwin away the money, and doesnt enjoy sober life.
i am going to go out on a vine. its you. hes hangin on to you. you must walk away from him hun. he will quickly show you how much he hates all that hes doing. and i bet go into a downward tail spin
odds are, ur the one keepin him alive, and feelin its ok to live his life. cuz ur there. to catch him.
when we are children, we didnt wish to grow up and be addictsl. no way! hes not happy. hes afraid, knows no other way. while inside for that year, its a controlled environment, jail. everyone is jsut doign their time. when they get out, they go back to only thing the knew.
but that year, did kep him clean. that says alot! cuz believe me, drugs are in jail as well. if he chose NOT to use whiloe in there, that shows he DOES want out of it.
He is gone, and I know that now, I just have to pick of the pieces and try not to feel sad or have regrets and move on..
It hurt to know that he loves meth more than me, I know he's thinking that I will accept it and live with it like I have in the past, but I can't...
Especially after seeing how great it can be when he's clean. It was for a brief while the relationship I always wanted with him. ...I thought maybe he loved me that much, and my last ultimatum had gotten through.
Oh my gosh, what a fool I really have been...It's almost laughable how much faith I had in what I thought was our love. His love for me...I ignored all this until now. I can only write about it hear, cause I'm too embarassed to talk about it with any of my friends.
As far as the legal system, its dumbfounding....It amazes me how he always get off easy. And his famfily, it's pathetic really, they all just smile and pretend everything is OK, and they are all perfectly good citizens.
And I helped it too, by being there after this conviction, believing (sic/) that he would change. By letting him stay with me to stay sober while he went through his conviction and his tests and his classes. ...I was part of the problem too... I don't think I even realized that until now.
All this kind of stuff is why he never hits rock bottom and he never quits for good or really even tries....
I really don't think it will really matter to him when I'm gone, he'll just find excuses why I am wrong and he is right....And how terrible I was....too familiar with that...
I need to move forward and not look back....I have to do this....I have to!
I'm not gonna bother to explain it to him, just fade away and not talk to him, and resist with all my might to pick up that phone, when I see it's him calling...
-- Edited by mcsand on Sunday 8th of August 2010 05:01:44 PM
I don't know I heard that some where and it came to mind here.
Sad situation that happens every day to people who love us, it's one of the things that drove me to getting and staying clean, I just dont want to hurt other people anymore, it was just one small motivating part of the whole.
it's so hard for me to let go, because of issues of my own father dying young and leaving us behind. I have a hard time letting go of anyone and or anything. I know he's a lost cause, and the more that I try to rein him in the worse things are between us. I have other personal issues, I have a disease called alopecia and it keeps me from moving on and finding someone else. But it's dead (the relationship) and hopeless and I'm so mad, because he gave me a glimpse of what I always wished we had a real relationship..and then he took it away and went back out. And I'm sitting here alone and wanting/wishing that he hurt as much as I do, but he doesn't because he can bury himself back in drugs and I choose not to.
