My husband will be completing treatment in July and wants to come home. I cannot take on his financial responsibility. He now has no car, he works a minimum wage part-time job, he has legal issues etc. You know the story. Right now, he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I am looking at actions and not words -- so far only words. I love him, but I also love my daughter.
My daughter is living with me and is helping me to keep our home. She took last semester off from school to work full time to help me keep my house. She does not trust my husband and feels that his first love will always be his crack. He picked up his 6 month chip the other day and showed it to me. In 34 years he has been sober for 6 months.
My daughter has told me that if my husband moves back in she will move out. I can depend on my daughter but not my husband. I am trying to stand by him but I will drown trying to help him get back on his feet. At first, he and I came to the realization that he should move back in with his parents so that he could get back on his feet faster. He needs his driving license and transportation and a stable income. We were barley making ends meet with his 30K year income, and now we are down to minimum wage. I have prayed and asked God for guidance in this matter but I would love to know your opinion.
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Friday 23rd of April 2010 10:25:52 AM
Reading your post, it seems pretty clear to me that you absolutely already know that you can't have him move back in with you. I think it's a wise decision. Chekout the web for a nar anon meeting near you. If there isn't one then al anon groups will be just as supportive.
Hi Delta,good hearing from you!This is tricky..After my 23 year old son did his last jail stint we faced kind of similar situation.He had nowhere to go,no $$$,no job etc.We put him on the street in the worst condition of his life(19) hoping it would save him(we loved him that much)he was stealing for his heroin fix,living with people who were all eventually arrested and 3 of the 4 went to prison.These are 20 year old addicts..We told him,with a written contract,that he could come home after jail,as long as he was clean(cold turkeyed in jail)was working a program and paying his way.If he was even thought of stealing,using or not working a recovery program we would put him out again,call probation and he would probably go back to jail.So far ,things are okay.He just got public assistance(a check sent to us) food stamps,that we take some of,working a 5 day a week intensive dual diagnosis program, on 3 years probation reporting weekly,drug tested and in the process of getting housing thru the system.This has been going on since he was around 17 (shooting dope,but 12 with many other psych issues)The line between support and enabling is very thin.I do like the idea of his parents house as you can monitor his behavior from a little distance.Trust will have to be earned.We have heard all the stories..Your daughter is a major consideration also.Family counselling may also be a way to go and I hope you are attending Naranon,Al-anon, CODA, ,one of the therapies to help yourself with tools to realize(last night got my 3 year coin from my group,what a blessing),he has to do the work you have to take care of yourself..Stay close to the God of your understanding,try and stay in the day and be "real honest" with yourself.If it don't feel right ,it probably isn;t I will keep you in prayer,let us know how its going okay.......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I think you are on the right track - Prayer always work - One thing for sure - You don't want to enable any addict - For me - All the "no" s had to be in place for me to actually starting taking charge of my life - I had to quit looking for the easy way - There is no reason you can't love from a distant - I suggest - stand your ground in a loving way - I am proud of you
Thanks folks. and yes I attend Al-Anon 4 times a week and I have a sponsor and I am also working the steps. I am sticking to my guns on this situation. Proof and not words is want I want to see.
avid is right you know already what you need to do as an addict i have put my family in near financial ruin my wife worked hard to save what little i didnt lose it took a long time to earn her trust back along with the trust of my kids with god and this program your husband can do it too stick to your guns make him earn your and your daughters trust before you make the big leap i will pray for you and your daghter hope all goes well for you
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
and ya know, if you love him still, and he you, y'all can do that just as well, probably better, given the situation, at a distance..so you lose nothing by doing what you need to do and not sabotaging yourself, your daughter, AND him...the addiction would love to have it's way with all of you...
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
