I sit here in my favorite T shirt given to me by someone special; although I have not heard from them in some time I think of them daily wondering where he ran off to this time or if he is ever coming back. This is a matter of acceptance I have to practice atm... I hate not knowing but that is all I can do I have started dating again to a poit ppl that have been in my life for over a decade my real friends and not ppl who can paint the most beautiful future anyone cdould want with just a few words. i was stupid top think that someone could want me in that way I still have yet to process been too depressed to even go gety the x ray that was requested forgetting to fill my anxiety meds even had to start with drwl b4 I relaized it wasn ot in my system things just kinda bleed together trying to put on a smile so ppl don't worry. Some know how I truly feel and that might be what worries them...not so resilent this time around this one rocked my whole world the only way I can describe in words would be my heart feels like Haiti looks... KNowing there is a power greater thatn myself that will always be there and never forsake me at times is hard to grasp because Iwonder if they are so loving why do I have to have all the pain? Went to churh Sunday night for the first time in years was nice to see the movement of my HP now Iwanna believe just enough to feel him, I know this is not an over night thing and that only the faith of a mustard seed is needed bit damn at times even that is hard to muster up. Don't hink I am speaking of Religon I am only speaking of my HP and how I know him to be. I am grateful for sop much even thru the depression I cannot be hatefull as my signature used to say "it'ss hard to be hateful when you are grateful" and it truly is so the attitude of gratitude serves my recovery well
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Good morning Manon. I understand when you say "I wanna believe just enough to feel him" feeling the presence of my higher power is a tremendous source of comfort and confidence. I know he's within me because I can feel his presence. It makes getting through the day so much easier. I wasn't always this way. For me, the willingness to believe was made easier because I saw others in the rooms who had what I wanted. They talked about their faith in their higher power. I heard one of them say "If you have trouble believing then believe that I believe" This had a big impact on me. I knew these people had something that I wanted so I would pray that I could come to believe as they did. It worked. I pray that you find him just enough to feel him.
