Last several days I been telling on my dis-ease every time it peeks its ugly little head out. And I mean UGLY! Yesterdays biggie was the random though to steel and pawn tools that belong to the only guy left in town that will work me. Not a desire, just a thought. It dosnt matter any more how insignificant it may seem..........I'm frickin tellin!!!!
And I wont let it tell me that people are gonna look at me funny any more. Hell, it dosnt matter who's looking at me funny if I lay my head down tonight CLEAN! speaking of which........ Nite Yall
-- Edited by ANJ on Wednesday 24th of February 2010 01:44:25 AM
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It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
ANJ i was the biggest thief and liar around ! ! ! ! it was hard just to stop lying and stealing almost as hard as it was to stop using, shit yuh not and i had to get honest too, the whole deal here is honest to thy own self else no growth and change will occur and God knows we needs tuh change
Give it, the addiction, no power over your mind take away the need to use defuse the negative, man your on the right track now .
It takes some of us awhile to understand how our addiction works on us, we are the puppet the addiction is our puppetier, we con ourselves into wrong thinking, the obsession is from discomfort, the compulsion is to change the way we feel and we end up using if we feel bad about ourselves long enough we use so get out of feeling bad and turn it over and stop the things that cause discomfort.
As i sit wanting to call my Ex girlfriend who will only yell n scream and put me down for being a piece of shat, if i just dont call things will be well, some discomfort but much more if i call so i dont, obsess all i want i dont act further and turn it over.
Great post. I too was a thief par excellance, and the semi-addiction that it is for me lingered way too long into my clean time, my clean-it-up time. I also cursed habitually, ragefully, and it was extremely hard to break that habit, because it was so much a part of my "persona", actually a part of my self-identity.
I feared if I really made the effort and changed those things about me, I would "lose" me, I would not know who I was and neither would anyone else. I would disappear and become boring or prudish, by the assumption of others. And to an extent, this is true...someone at work who doesn't like me and knows nothing of my gory-story said "oh s***t when I was passing in the hall and stopped in her tracks and said, condescendingly, "Oh I hope I didn't offend you." I was so shocked--how must I seem to them that I don't talk like them! I wanted to say, Look, you little MFKNG B*****etc etc...and knock her socks off.
Of course, if I did, I'd also likely have to follow-through with some other things that go hand-in-hand with that for me...sex, drugs & rock 'n roll, ya know? I can get back into old bad behavior and everything that comes with it in a heartbeat if I let myself. Just today, I wanted to, and almost did, steal time. Could've taken half a day with no one knowing or caring. But I don't steal anymore, and I don't cheat, lie, curse, or deliberately fart. I'm a saint....LOL...but, hey, at least I'm a sober saint.
No credit to me of course, it all goes to my HP & my fellows in the fellowship. So thanks ANJ, your thoughts of larceny & telling on yourself helped me today!
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Great post. I too was a thief par excellance, and the semi-addiction that it is for me lingered way too long into my clean time, my clean-it-up time. I also cursed habitually, ragefully, and it was extremely hard to break that habit, because it was so much a part of my "persona", actually a part of my self-identity. 
