why is it that its 4 AM and im not sleeping? fucking insomnia thats all i have to say.
also why is it that im more emotional at night? is it because all of my friends go out and do stuff and i sit at home doing nothing? although i did get out today. all day. and i went to the movies. but that doesnt matter at the moment. all of my friends have new friends from school and what not and im just shoved in the corner forgotten about. i used to go out every weekend. i used to pretty much live at my friends houses because we hung out everyday. but now, its like they forget i exist. im bad at making new friends and i love the friends i have now but sometimes i just want to scream in their faces. they forget that im an addict. my group of friends and me have all gone through the same thing except im the only one who did drugs. we all were depressed at one time or another. we all cut ourselves. we all had an eating disorder. we all tried to kill ourselves atleast once. im grateful for them dont get me wrong but why am i invisible to them? why is it that it seems like they are making something of their lives and im not getting anywhere? why am i crying? because im a girl. haha.
my problem is that i dwell on the past. i dwell on the fact that my best friend died in a car crash and i was supposed to be in the car too. i dwell on the fact that she should be here with her son and i should have died. i dwell on the fact that my parents, the people who are supposed to love you the most destroyed me. i dwell on the fact that being abused is the only thing i know, im scared of what life would be without getting hit everyday. i dwell on the fact that im invisible to the world and everyone in it. i dwell on the fact that when i was in prison it was the safest ive ever felt. i dwell on the fact that i scream into my pillow everytime i let a man take advantage of me just to get the drugs or booze i want. i dwell on the fact that people dont ask whats wrong when my face shows it. i dwell on the fact that i got into so much trouble as a kid. everything that has ever happened to me or anything that ive ever done stays with me forever. no matter how hard i try to let it go or forget about it, it haunts me in my mind. everytime i have an hour to just sit and think it comes out and tortures me and my emotions.
im not sorry for anything ive ever done. shit happens. i am sorry though that ive let myself get to this point and state of mind because that knife is looking better and better everyday. i want to be more religious i want to trust more in god but there is something in the way. i dont know what it is but there is something blocking me from being a free soul. pray? i dont pray. except the serenity prayer on occasion. i cant pray to a higher power if i dont believe there really is one. i grew up in a catholic family but we never talked about god. never. and now look what it did to me. i dont believe in anything. thanks a lot mom and dad. thank you for fucking up my life. thank you for destroying me in every possible way.
you get one life to live and i already fucked mine up. awesome.
again my emotions take control at night. and i really needed to just let that all out. i havent vented that much in a while so i was overdue. hmm only took a half hour to put my emotions out there but its well worth it. 4:30 maybe i can sleep now. i doubt it but its worth a try.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Your life is not over...not by a long shot I was 44 years old when the insanity caused by drugs led to events that cost me EVERYTHING. I had a profession.....lost it and can never go back to it. a career...lost it a house....lost it a wife .....lost her the love and respect of two beautiful children......lost it self respect.....lost what little I had. I was suicidal, then went to jail. That was 15 years ago.... I spent about 3 years hiding from life and wishing i were dead Then I got out of it enough to find a job, and now obsessed about that, but I kept the job and started making decent money again. Then I went online and met a nice woman. We are married 10 years now.... We have a house, I drive a pretty ok truck. And I have the rooms and 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous to keep me going I still lack a little in the self respect department...and fear is still my biggest driving force, but it gets a little better one day at a time. Invite a higher power into your life. pray for the willingness to believe.
to true i have been thru about the same things and with me working and trying to change i have got some of my life back if i can stay clean i think i will get more back as well as some sence of sanity back you can still live just not like other people you will learn and i too suffer bouts of insomnia i sometimes think it is the guilt i feel for being what i am
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
This morning drunk ass EX girlfriend calls to chew me out for a text message i sent that was about 1:30 am its 3:15 now and i wide awake thinking about all of this shit and how i NEED to drop it and stop all communication but its so damn hard . I did it for 2 days and she called me late at night to tell me she was sick and alone and afraid, we made plans to meet a few days later then she ignored me all day long next day and we fought we wont be meeting now.
Nights are hard especially if your alone you HAVE to get out and fellowship with people in recovery somehow some where Liz its whats kinda helping me along here.
Its good your venting and letting it out here wish you had live people around you to help out thats more helpful but this is good, read the book more get into that literature read it over and over again start writing more too keep a journal maybe and just hang in there.
LizC, I first came on here a few months ago to tell of my daughter who accidentally killed herself with an overdose. You posted a lot of kindness and help for me and I always check back to see how you are doing, I want so much for you to conquer your addiction and have the happy life my kid sacrificed for a moment of feeling good. I see over and over people reaching out to you trying so hard to help you, after reading of your sadness and despair.They all offer their stories and how they have found ways to live clean and keep away from that life. I just feel so bad for you when I check again and you are still feeling so sorry for yourself, and you dont seem to be getting what they are saying.The more they help you, the more things you find to throw back at them that your life is shitty and its everybody elses fault. My kid had a sad life too, her Dad never liked her from the day she was born, and showed it over and over to her through the years. She also got beat up by the men in her life, had an abortion at one time, was in jail, her kids were taken away, and generally lived a sad hellish life because of these things that (other than her Dad), were self induced. I never once heard her whine about any of it other than when she lost her kids and that made her come out of it (for awhile) to get them back, and the reason was she knew it was the consequences of how she lived her life. She did not blame the world for her unhappiness. She did not wallow in self pity about her Dad, she learned in a treatment center that she needed to forgive him a long time ago so that she could recover and not let that eat her alive, I know she never forgot, but keeping that pain alive would have just be self defeating. They actually had a good relationship for quite a few years before her death. One who cried the most at her funeral was him. She had been going to meetings, in recovery houses and treatment centers and she learned early on thats where she needed to be when she resorted back to the temptations of addiction. She needed to go get help and give help back to others rather than always be looking for people to feel sorry for her.Yes some people were mean to her, yes life was not f'n fair to her, its not fair to any of us other than a lucky few. Its not fair she was able to clean up for years at a time and then go back to them again, and its sure as h not fair to me that I dont have her any more. .
-- Edited by Melbuy on Sunday 10th of January 2010 04:28:38 PM
-- Edited by Melbuy on Sunday 10th of January 2010 04:30:41 PM
