well i went to the doctor yesterday. and bad news bears.. the new meds they put me on didnt work at all and they dont know what to do. im scared. people die from heart disease everyday. they gave me something to try just for the hell of it i know its not going to work so why bother. and as for the baby next week is my abortion. that doesnt really bother me which may sound kind of bad and make me sound like a heartless bitch but oh well. im done with finals. i am scheduled to work a lot in the next week or so. and we are supposed to get the mother of all snow storms tonight = AWESOME! i cant wait to go boarding. anddddddd i have an appointment tomorrow to schedule my classes for spring and i can not type for my life today. i put acrylics on so i can stop biting my nails which i bite 24/7 and maybe my fingers will stop bleeding. well im just living life as it goes by for now.
haha just for you Manon
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Wow girl...how powerful you must feel, to KNOW the medication is not going to work! For myself, I learned I wasn't just powerless over addiction, I was powerless over most things...not helpless, though. The steps really helped me with the powerless vs helpless thing, and helped me to stop playing God by thinking I, and I alone, knew how to care for my life and my will. Frankly, it was a relief to finally drop that particular rock. "Why bother" is a spirit and mind and emotion killer for me...I can't afford to to let my ego run me like that...when I do, that addict in the cage in my head jsut starts singin' the love song and I get real seduced by my own depression, or anger, or lust or whatever. Not good for my recovery at all, so I try not to get too deep into that particular trap.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
i try to not be helpless but more powerless. im trying to work the steps and listen to the doctors and my sponsor and everyone around me but i cant get it through my big fat head. why bother is a killer for me too but its just sooo easy to say it. ha. my depression and everything has been getting the best of me lately especially my anger which was not very good today. i bitched out my roomie i threw things i broke things i screamed i punched the walls. i hate when i do that. i scare the shit out of her whenever i get pissed off. and it was over something that i dont even care about anymore. i cant think before i speak because i dont even realize what im doing until i already did it. help? please
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Yesterday and tomorrow are nothing but illusions, you have today and thats all that really counts right now. You are getting things done that needed to be done, and you can feel good about that. You are going to meetings, and have a sponsor, and even if you think it hasnt clicked in yet, the main thing is you are among people who will lift you up, not put you down. As you know, they all have their stories, but most are happy to just be able to look back at it and live in the present. You have come a long way already. I know you feel like you got the s- end of the stick in life, but I think we all feel like that at times, and its really not what we are handed, its how we deal with what we're handed. I'm glad you have been to the docs, I'm sure they will find something that works for you, in the mean time try not to fret about it, just enjoy your sobriety today. Love ya LizC
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. by Ralph Waldo Emerson
