im a fuck up and i fucked up. i havent cried this hard in a while and i just found out yesterday that im pregnant. its just hard for me to even say it. i already made my decision. im not ready to have a kid. yes its my fault i understand that, i understand that its a human being, it has a heartbeat, and we are talking about a life. i was raped and pregnant at 14. i had an abortion. that was not my fault. my choice this time is to have an abortion. im not ready to have kids. i dont want to have kids. i cant deal with this shit, i just want to use and i hate myself and i dont want to do this anymore. im a selfish bitch. yes, yes i am. i thought i was so ready to give up and work hard at my recovery and kick this shit in the ass for once but i guess im not. will i ever be ready? i doubt it. i dont know what to do. except use.
-- Edited by LizC on Monday 30th of November 2009 11:15:35 PM
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Whatever you do dont do it alone Liz thats all I can say get some support out there where you live and take responsibilty for this situation and let it help you to grow up, we all mature from these situation if we do the right thing and we do it with our heads held up but we all need help thats why we came and joined this organization, for support so get some, you have mine here I will be praying for you and hoping you handle this right.
hi liz. i suspect we all know how you're feeling. i know that i can relate to thinking that my only 'out' was to use. it's that magical thing that makes the world go away. sad thing is that when i woke up, the same problems existed, but often they were worse, and i had even more to contend with.
there is no situation that getting loaded, will improve.
stay plugged in. go to some meetings and share. pick up the phone. defend your life from this disease that wants to kill you!
If hating yourself made things better, then you would be all better by now. It doesn't. It only feeds the beast. You know what's right for you. Do it. Then keep doing it. You never have to feel this way again. ((((((LizC))))))
Liz, I am new here. My name is Liz, too, but that is not the only reason my heart goes out to you. I can't really explain why, but I need to tell you these things. I hope you will listen. God loves you. You are not what you think you are in His eyes. Believe me, I know how hard it is to believe that. I am 34 years old, a mother of 5 beautiful children, married for 15 years to my high school sweetheart, a schoolteacher who is currently a stay at home mom in a beautiful home on a golf course, completing my doctorate degree in organizational leadership and recently published a book. My life seems perfect, right? Wrong. I don't understand how God can love me- such a horrible person, a person who secretly abused drugs for so long and was the worst hyocrite who ever lived. I feel so inadequate, like such a failure, like the hope and forgiveness that everyone talks about is for someone else....but not possible for me. I don't know how He can love me, but I finally believe that He does. I know our issues are somewhat different, but we both feel the same way about ourselves. Abusing prescpription painkillers gave me a peace and happiness that took away my doubts and fears....temporarily. When that wore off I always came back to my crappy self and horrible perspective of the purpose of life. Liz, please know you are not alone. God will help you if you turn to Him and ask. I know because I, the one who believed less than anyone else that it could apply to me, have seen His hand in my life as I've turned to Him. I have only been sober a little while, but miracles are all around me. I hope and pray that you will let your baby live. I wish somehow that the minute he or she was born I could raise him or her for you, and I know there are many others who feel the same way. I so badly want another baby, but can't have one. Please just reconsider first what you are doing before you have an abortion. You can clean up this mess with God's help. Even if you believe you can't have children right now, please know there are others out there who desperately want that little life inside of you. Maybe giving birth to this baby for another family will be a service that will help you focus on something other than yourself and change your life. Please, no matter what you decide, please remember that God loves you. He loves you and wants to help you....no matter what you think of yourself. Love and hugs and best wishes to you, from one Liz to another.
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"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."- Mother Theresa
