Hello, I have 2 years and 3 months in recovery clean. I am GSR for our group and have ran into a problem. My sponsor has 10 years clean. She has been doing something that had our members and myself concerned. We have a christmas dinner every year on christmas and have a speaker. My sponsor is married, but she is also dating a man in our group. They hold hands and get frisky. I have had several members ask me about this behavior. It has been eating at me for weeks. She asked this man to speak at our meeting without our home group voting on it. I am concerned that her actions are not showing a positive and honest recovering for our members. I confronted her about it today. I told her that I thought it was wrong that we did not get to vote on a speaker. I told her that I thought she was not showing a good example. Of course she blew a gasket! She said I was judging her. I dont believe im doing that. The traditions and steps tell us about honesty. She is not being honest to her husband or the group. I have had numerous phone calls about this from members. I think im just making sure we are serving NA and that our message is clear. I dont think adultry is a good message. She has made me feel like shit today. It all got turned around on me. I also told her that I am thankfull she gave me a good foundation for me but I was going to find another sponsor to finish my steps. I felt like there would always be that pin in my back about this subject. I realize im not perfect, but im trying to get my life back on track. Please give me some imput about this. I feel like maybe I am in the wrong. But if I am, why do I feel so bad about what im seeing?
i sure like to think i'm in the wrong about just about everything, so you're not alone there.
ya know, my life is just fine until it 'bumps into' the life of another. drama in the rooms, and especially with my sponsor is not something i have a lot of experience with, thankfully. what i find important when in conflict with another person, is to keep the focus on MY behaviors, not theirs. so long as i do the next right thing, apply some spiritual principles (acceptance, mostly) and take care of myself by setting and enforcing healthy boundaries - the result is out of my hands.
principles before personalities.
i remember once at the world convention in hawaii, a guy speaking at a workshop about how he was cheating on his wife, and wanted to come clean with the room. every time the door opened up, i thought he was going to faint, as he was expecting his wife to come storming in to the meeting and catch him doing what amounted to a 5th step with a room full of addicts... i was overcome with gratitude that it wasn't ME up there, living in that chaos, and spent the rest of the meeting praying for the guy.
pray for acceptance. what's more important - being right, or being happy? some groups are pretty low key, while some are very literal in the traditions. i'm not sure the case with yours.
i sure like to think i'm in the wrong about just about everything, so you're not alone there.
ya know, my life is just fine until it 'bumps into' the life of another. drama in the rooms, and especially with my sponsor is not something i have a lot of experience with, thankfully. what i find important when in conflict with another person, is to keep the focus on MY behaviors, not theirs. so long as i do the next right thing, apply some spiritual principles (acceptance, mostly) and take care of myself by setting and enforcing healthy boundaries - the result is out of my hands.
principles before personalities.
i remember once at the world convention in hawaii, a guy speaking at a workshop about how he was cheating on his wife, and wanted to come clean with the room. every time the door opened up, i thought he was going to faint, as he was expecting his wife to come storming in to the meeting and catch him doing what amounted to a 5th step with a room full of addicts... i was overcome with gratitude that it wasn't ME up there, living in that chaos, and spent the rest of the meeting praying for the guy.
pray for acceptance. what's more important - being right, or being happy? some groups are pretty low key, while some are very literal in the traditions. i'm not sure the case with yours.
thanks for your response. We are pretty literal about our traditions. I guess your right.. I need to agree to disagree and go on.... my sponsor holds a special place in my heart. I just dont like that its affecting the whole group. Thanks for your words....
I think what you are going through is a crisis of trust. How can you trust someone who is breaking a solemn vow? I get it. I think you may be wise to drop her as your sponsor. I had a similar crisis of trust with my first sponsor. Instead of dropping him and getting someone else, I dropped out of NA completely stopped going to meetings, and of course ultimately relapsed. It was a disillusionment for me to hear people with years of clean time speak a powerful message of recovery and then see them fall far short of the spiritual principles they seem to proclaim so clearly. but cyclist steve makes a good point. Principles before personalities. If you can truly look past her behaviors with her boyfriend than good for you. If it lays the seeds for resentments and mistrust...then get a new sponsor.
Lee's always good for an opinion or two , so here 'tis (so glad you asked for input...I love having permission to sound off! LOL) .
(1) If it is the practice of the group to approve/vote on the speaker, then it seems to me it is a legitimate issue for the next group buisness meeting, or however you do "group conscience" in your area. We don't have to shy away from, or apologise, for putting concerns on the table, in the apporpriate forum at the appropriate time.
(2) No one else can "make" me feel like s**t; I do that all by myself. And when I do, I have to do my own work on myself to put reality back in perspective...like Bob Dylan sez, some people just want to pull you down into the hole they are in. It's OK to say "no".
(3) Of course you are judging her, and there is nothingnwrong with that! "Judgement" is using the considered evaluation of evidence in the formation of making a decision. You considered the facts and decided they make you uncomfortable and said so. It's called honesty, and care and concern for your former sponsor. She may not appreciate having her "inventory "taken, but maybe she really needs the "pull up". For all you know, the honesty you shared with her may help her stay clean some day.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
She's making more wreckage along with a lot of other 4th steps work needs doing, throwing guilt back on you for pulling her covers off her charecter defects I wouldn't hold onto any of that thats not yours to hold on and resent her for thats her crap .
Sounds to me like you did it in a quite loving way, I can think of a lot worse ways to have taken her to task.
Wow .. thanks for all the comments. It was really hard for me because I care so much about her. She is pretty mad right now but maybe that will change. Again thanks for the comments.
Hi Mari,, I maybe late in this but here it is anyway. (opinions)
I think there are two seperate issues here and we vcertainly need to seperate them.
1 st issue concerns her as a recovering person, her level of integrity and your relationship with her. Honesty is the cornerstone of our Program so on that count, she seems to have fallen in your an the groups eyes. But shocking as this may sound, it dosent reallt connect with the actual issue here that needs resolving, so lets go to that. 2. The basic issue can be inferred as who will share at Christmas, and then we look a list of potentials. This certainly concerns the whole group and this is a matter best decided by a clear majority in Group Conscience.
What do you think of my assessment ?
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Marigoldhead, I think you were right to think that way of your sponsor.A sponsor is someone you picked out because they were a good example of a clean person.Her fooling around is not a good example for a sponsee to see or become involved in.It is not honesty.But very few of us knew what honesty was or openmindedness or willingness while in active addiction.Her action are not good for a newcomer to become aware of,newcomers are easily mislead back into active addiction.Pray for yourself ,because your cleantime is most important to you.You can pray for your sponsor that she will come around or out of her outside relationships.Take care of yourself.
thanks again everyone. My clean time is mine and no one is going to get it! It really saddens me that I was mistaken about my sponsor. She wont even talk to me now about it. She keeps saying I shouldnt be taking her inventory..... i guess I am wrong... Maybe.... I really dont think so.....
marigoldhead , You are right like I said in my post,a good sponsor should not be doing that in front of her sponsees unless she wants you all to call her on her actions.She would not know what to do if her husband showed up after the meeting had started.Just remember your recovery is the most important thing you have,don't let anyones actions bother you.If they elected you as a GSR ,they know you have things they see good in you.I have been a GSR in two different groups and am a Regional Committee Member in my region. Keep Coming Back , It Works If You Want It
-- Edited by cdbuckberry on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 05:35:37 PM
2 more cents---she's probably transferring her anger at herself, which is born of guilt that she can't own, onto you...what better way to keep it off herself? If she can deflect blame for her discomfort onto you, she doesn't have to look at herself. It's a game you can choose to not play. IMHO. Happy Thanksgiving!
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Ok here is the update... after the meeting I resigned as GSR and made the decision to go to other meetings instead of my home group. At the meeting, her boyfriend got up and said that he was the most important person at the meeting and if anyone did not like it, they can go. I was always told that the newcomer is the most important at a meeting. This was the last thing that helped me make my choice. I will miss the group but it was not going to be good recovery and that is important to me. Im going to meetings for strength and hope and positive messages. This isnt going to happen there anymore. My higher power has shown me that the group is not for me anymore. I feel like a load has been lifted. Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I will have 2 years and 4 months on monday. No one is going to take that away.
Sounds like a sound decision and you feel relief already thats a good thing , sounds like some real sick folks there so give them a shout out in your prayers LOL.
marigoldhead , You are right like I said in my post,a good sponsor should not be doing that in front of her sponsees unless she wants you all to call her on her actions.She would not know what to do if her husband showed up after the meeting had started.Just remember your recovery is the most important thing you have,don't let anyones actions bother you.If they elected you as a GSR ,they know you have things they see good in you.I have been a GSR in two different groups and am a Regional Committee Member in my region. Keep Coming Back , It Works If You Want It 
