Its a simple thing Liz. In recovery we learn. If we dont like the way we feel , Then stop doing whatever your doing.  It may seem moronically simple , and it is.

My best friend today is a man who was sexually abused for years as a kid. And hes happy .  Is that not insane ?  It is to me. I admire him . Hes really happy.

I listened to a young lady last night whos HIV positive and shes happy , Shes full of hope and wonder . The light in her eyes is blinding .

I have suffered 37 long years of drug abuse . Prayed numerous times for death . Carved a swath of pain and despair into every persons life who ever cared for me. And yet .....Im happy .  How can it be ?  Why me ?  I dont deserve it. 

Its only through grace that im here. Me and thousands more like me. In 45,000 meetings a day. All over the world . Working steps. healing , finding our homes and our hearts discovering families we never knew existed . Feeling pain. tragety and walking right up to it. And walking through it .

Hell Liz I dont deserve what I have , maybe you dont deserve it either . But its there for us if we want it . All we have to do is give up. surrender and the world is yours . We surrender , then and only then can we be helped to recover from the disease of addiction.

THINK POSITIVE.

It pains me to see you suffer like this.
I too have had periods in my life when I was filled with self hatred, rage and the wish to die was strong.
For me, choosing to do the right thing, eased my suffering.
By honoring myself I began to hate myself less.
I know in my heart what is right and what is wrong.
I know when I are being honest and when I am deceiving or manipulating, or justifying.
It was so automatic for me to lie and be sneaky.
I lived in a world of suspicion and paranoia.
I hated my life.
But it got better. I still have down days, of course.
But today I want to live.
I can't tell you how much easier and more content my life is since I chose
to live doing what I know to be the next right thing.
It is my fondest wish for you to find some peace in your mind and your heart.

im angry, i hate myself, i keep messing up, i just need to escape the world and myself


Wellincase you didn't know we all get angry anger clouds our ability to think logically (p. 33 NA book ).

Hating ourselves was for me the lack of acceptance and once I started turning that hate over and letting that hate leave my way of thinking I started feeling better about myself and I stopped messing up so much.

Escaping ourselves ? well when you feel better about yourself you want to escape that self less.

Liz  get more involved in the program, get to more meetings do more reading find someone you can share things with, pray and meditate asking gods will be done in your life and the power to carry that out, we need to sometimes ask just for the power to get through our days and do something for our recovery so we can FEEL BETTER, this is a feelings disease, we used behind how we felt if we dont feel good we're more then likely going to go back to using or continue to use and never stop until it kills us, and none of us have to die if we just follow a few simple suggestions.

Liz,
I can remember being stuck in that way of thinking. I hated myself, the world, and anything else that crossed my path. You have been given the best advice right here on this page!

When we act on anger alone, no good can come of it.Sitting here trying to think of what to write, I am trying to put myself in your shoes. We have all been in that depressed "I keep messing up" mode . All of us.  I remember the days before recovery opened up my world and my heart. I would read (or listen) to the great advice of people who have walked in those shoes before( now walking  Happy and serene!). The whole time a part of me tuned them COMPLETELY out . The part of me that didnt want to get honest. Heck, I still have problems with COMPLETE honesty.
Our first instincts as addicts is to "blow off" what they are saying and return to our own world of despair. Its actually comfortable there as strange as that may sound-it is what we know! . Being happy feels strange at first. The first time I had emotions for another person( in public) I tried hard to hide it because it was so UN comfortable. To get well, we have to come out of that comfort zone.
The "nursery school" logic actually works! We are what we think we are. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not feel so desperate and lonely all the time. I deserve more than this! (Say it in the mirror as Tisa says- it  really does work!) We need to say this out loud to ourselves! Then continue on with our N/A work,sponsor and stepwork, so it can solidify our thoughts! It took a long long time to get to the place we are at now. Give it the time and effort to change your world! You are so young and special Liz. You have a great chance at having a happy and wonderful life if you would just take it!  NA is an awesome program filled with lots and lots of people who not only understand the feelings your having but have walked in your shoes!!
My thoughts on your post?? Its time to surrender

With love and friendship
God Bless YOU!
Carol

Dear Liz, In some meetings here, when that part is read about "there is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery,,,,"  you hear folks scream RELATIONSHIPS ! 

H, ha, ha , ha ,ha,,,that  does  lighten up reality and stops me from taking myself too damn seriously.
But that said,  however, and if Im not sounding too inquisitive, are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself ??

-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 09:47:31 AM