so instead of going and kicking my ex girlfriends (yeah she's an ex again ) best friends ass, (he's a guy I sat in front of his apartment ready to go up to him and slap the slobber out of his friken mouth ) who keeps lying to her and playing games with her instead went to a meeting , step 11 meeting , sitting in the meeting listening to the reading it all comes to me, HEY ASEHOLE in times of stress your not praying for Gods guidance and i havent been meditating on this continuing saga of BS this relationship is bringing into my life.
At least I didnt want to drink today i did want to kick that dudes a*& though real bad but I realize now with great regret that I just haven't been working the program at all at times I have tried to be supportive for her since this guy was supposed to move in with her yeah that sounds weird but there friends, and she's hurting financially to the point she cant afford her house she rents any longer I have helped her the last 2 months but told her that was it she had to do something get a room mate and this guy her friend keeps changing his mind as he is in and out of a relationship also , I told her get an extra job then she wont do it so I told her she was being lazy and expects everyone to rescue her well today that was the kicker and she's not taking it i told her tough the truth hurts and i guess it did because that was unforgivable and she's done LOL yeah i have to laugh.
So anyhow to much G Damn drama for me i need to be ok with this and accept that i dont need this person in my life i need something simpler and less complicated, i feel bad not being able to be more serene though and more supportive and not put expectations on her I feel like im enabling and I did EXPLODE today really bad so it feels unhealthy though not matter what i should not be exploding like i did so i feel GUILT and remorse, it's a mess in my head today, guess i need to keep hitting meetings and working in the book and working the steps on this, over and over i am powerless over jenn and this relationship is making my life unmanagable, i am ALLOWING this to drive me crazy in the cabasa ( head) and i am reacting to it all in a bad way and need some serenity in the matter.
Anyhow thats my vent on this for the evening, lifes good I just finished furnishing my house today i found out I need a knee operation to repair damage cartlige and a tendon may need replacing so at least i know more about where thats going, I am recieving money being off but its barely enough but i did get some money this week that will see me through this period so i have many blessing I just wanted to share it all with jenn, hell we were broken up when i moved into my house and she wasnt around for that and that brought my whole moving in not so special, she has been helping me lately get the place decorated but that has been short lived, OK IM DONE LOL sorry guys needed to do some writing on this.
i've had some inklings the last couple of days to come home here and check things out. i\ve truly missed hanging out here
sorry to read that people in your life are being difficult Vin. I have to change the way i look at things and the things i look at change What is my part?? What is the lesson in it all for me? I am dealing with someone at work that is so not liking me that I think in fact its herself that she really doesn't like. Who am i To judge that??
i wanted to kick her ass last sunday, cause she was simply being a bitch..in MY opinion.. it wouldn't have gotten ME anywhere in the situation except for beating myself up because i didn't handle it any better. Besides that it would have added fuel to HER fire. Thats not what i want to be about today. Love and tolerance is what its about. Principles before personalities. \i've learned lately that i can't set healthy boundaries and not hurt whoever else is involved at the same time. I tried really hard though!! it just simply wouldn't work. Ultimately i had to put myself first. its all about MY REACTIONS, Guilt and shame are not where i want to live today. Its about looking back at the end of the day and knowing what i can improve on in the next. Practice makes correction. thank God we aren't perfect or we would all be really boring!! ;) Grateful you didn't want to drink as well!! and so glad you are here!
Hey vin! mike here! first ,just wanted to say thanks for being here man,your shares and suggestions have helped this old man out at different times.You know I remember it musta been 1974 when after 10 years of marriage my first wife says'i dont love you anymore"Now that was impossible,yeah i am a devastewd using drug addict and your probably not thrilled with that,or my impossible to live with "defects" maybe that ,but not'YOU DONT LOVE ME NO MORE"couldnt comprehend that mess.ANYWAY i remember my 2 ,10/11 year old kids who then lived with me,and I WOULD SEE MY wife and man I hung around like a lap dog,looking for any piece of affection or love i could get.NEVER HAPPENED!.There were a couple times ,quick sex ,touch of feeling,but that made it worse.I continued down the tubes at a more rapid pace.My point is I probably just needed to save some years but "just getting away.of course only took another 20 to figure that out.yeah I knocked her "boyfriend down the stairs as he starting running some stuff(all true!!) and check this out.likeBIZ MARK E SAYS "YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND! .I aint THAT well! Thats another ball of wax that we have to handle.me im too green(and that aint like your front lawn)sorry!!cant handle that,but thats me!I can only suggest man,try to get some of the "joy" back with your house,catch a fish,make more meetings,work your"class"DONT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY!(yeah thats me saying that after whining about Eric for since forever) KEEP spitting it out Vin ,this is how we get our help!! and the price of therapy is good!!Dont really know you,but I really do ,love you man,some days sun ,lotta days rain,but at least we got an umbrella now!!!! peace.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Philosophers, poets, writers, Gurus, historians. etc.etc etc have all lamented the universal fact that there is no easy solution to dealing with women.
Im having some heavy scenes running in my head this afternoon at the retreat I am in.
I came in spiritual and thinking Id got over the issue of having my Meditations being distracted by women. But then it happens again, and there I am looking at the varied women here, rather than being real fixed on Meditation on Silence and Light !
Well, maybe God wants me to talk to these women too, ask them what their experience here is like and such things,, so Ill take my chances.
The thing Im finding out is that in context of women, my addict will want to obssess, control etc on one hand or reject their existence even, at times, like theyre not there at all.
Ive seen a red-head giving me some nice vibes at Meditation and now in the hall, so let me check whats cooking eh ?
Oh, the Grandeur of the na Steps, giving me the Freedom to be me !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Tisa You crack me up! Your posts dont go on and on like someone who shall remain unmentioned((hhmmhmmm) But your point is always known!
At this point in the game I dont know much about anything. All I can do to try to help another addict is to say what it is I hear when I read a post. When I was done with your post the first time (I read it over a few times)what I heard is that Jenn has a whole lot of power in your world Vin. A power that maybe we used to give to our drugs/alcohol? It had the power to make us happy,sad, unsatisfied,satisfied..... When we decided we wanted a better way, we took its power away. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. As we travel this road, we find that there are alot of different things that we may be "addicted" to in some form or another. You know this already though!! You knew the intense rage you were/are feeling comes from not practicing your principles. None of us really have to say a word. We do though, because we love you and just want you to know you are never alone. Heres wishing and praying you find your Joy again!!
) But your point is always known! 
