Hello Family grateful addict thanking god for all of us who were able to stay clean one day at a time I would like to share my experience on unhealthy relationships which can be not just only romantic but can also be dealing with relationships with family, friends, relatives, co-workers , your employer ,children, the list just goes on and on but the one relationship i would like to share is starting a romantic relationship with the newcomer which is totally a No,No the reason I say this is because I, at the time 1998 had 6 yrs clean decided to get involved with a young man A new comer whom had only 60 days clean at the moment just took it upon myself that we would make it work well long and behold it did for 7 years of pain and suffering of trying to be Mrs. Fix You and Forget Me well to make a long story short you can't change a person especially if the only willingness they had was to change with a hopefiend and wanna be attitude I also feel that i made the mistake of letting him move into my apartment where as my sailing ship had begun to sink his spoken words had become game with made me feel Oh What A Shame" Our relationship has ended and I can finally exhale and start to begin to move on and let go and let god pray, pray, and stay connected with my NA Family Now I Finally be who I need to Be A Grateful Addict In Recovery
Much Love and Hugs To you all. Thanks for letting me share
boy, are you singing to the choir about unhealthy relationships. I was 3 weeks clean and a man of 10 years starting paying me attemtion, nd it sure fet good, I was locked uo in prion for drug related charges and this was the first man that i actually felt anything for and just not lust. But is was ended and it ended badly, it was hard to hold my head up in the rooms but I did. nothing or no one is going to keep me out of the rooms of NA, relationships expecially with the opposite sex just don't work I ended up feeling that whole inside of me with anythingthat putting down the drugs ahd left,with sex drugs, money anything. But once I started reaching out to my own higher power I didn't need to get feel good from the outside, I actually feel than foro within, small soiritual awakings, they don;'t have to be thunder bolt from the sky it can be a snall as child receiving a new toy or a winter coat that they need and no one can affird ti buy it, Life is simple as lopng as I live the NA wat, and not picl up not matter what Barbara P
As addicts we're not Whole people. 2 half people don't make a 1 whole person. Even with comprable clean time and recovery relationships are one of the most difficult things we'll ever do in recovery. On the other hand we're lonely people and when we get into recovery and start to heal it's natural that we'd want to hook up with a fellow addict cause we've learned that only another addict can understand us and love us for who we truly are. The reality of the situation is quite different, we're sick people, alot of us have codependency and abandonment issues. We're also still selfish and self centered (at least I still am, getting better though) We have a tendency to stop working on ourselves and start working on each other, when you try to work someone else program for them all kinds of bad things happen. So I've been their done that if I could do things over I'd try to do them right (better?) but I'd still do them. The 4 year relationship I had was for the most part one of the high lights of my life. Oldtimers hitting on newcomers is a whole different ballgame, it can be harmful to both parties and should be avoided at all cost. When I see a nice looking lady at a meeting and think to my self, "Self, she's Hot I'd like to be with her." Then she raises her hand as a newcomer. " Self you don't want none of that" 13th stepping has been a hot topic since the steps were written and I won't rehash them here. But if your new Men hook up with the Men, Women with the Women. Just works better that way. Good luck. Bob.
I was really glad to see this topic this afternoon. Last night another addict and myself went to one of our support group members concerning this very issue. She had put herself in an impossible situation concerning a relationship. I, am also in a very similar situation as her and to close to the subject and afraid I couldn't be of that much help. Obviously I don't have the experience of getting to the other side because I'm not there yet, but isn't it so much easier seeing someone else's problems then looking at myself? And it's so clear what she should do but when it comes to me the denial remains. That is why I called another in our group who IS in a healthy relationship so she could share her experience strength and hope. We stayed until 3 am talking...the value of one addict helping another truly is without parallel. I heard things and by sharing started to see some of my own demise, our sister in recovery ended up feeling much better, she truly was on the edge and thank God called before and not after! I am so grateful for our support group which consists of 5 women and each of us live in different areas but come together frequently. It took me about 45 minutes to get to her house in one direction and the other addict who came took her about 45 minutes coming from the other direction. The three of us truly value our recovery and are going to any lengths to keep it. I was taught by one of my predecessors that often times being a woman in recovery that men will pat your ass while women will save your ass...(no offense my fellow recovering men addicts) but when it comes to some of my issues a woman can best understand me being a woman herself...maybe one of the reasons they tell us men stick with men and woman stick with women as in sponsorship. Believe me I am not bashing because I love men and am in a relationship with a man, however my relationship with this man is unhealthy and I am not quite to the other side yet. I do ask all of you out there to keep me in your prayers concerning this because I am learning that at this stage the only way to the other side is with my Higher Power and me doing the footwork. I have to be willing to make the effort. Just like waking up this afternoon and seeing this topic was truly no coincedence...just my HP working again showing me the way. Kind of like that second step...ya know the "here I am again" step...and my HP showing me how to come to believe!!! (I can't orchestrate all these coincedences!!! I'm just not that powerful enough! LOL) By each one of you getting miracles that seem like coincedences and me seeing them is helping me develop my faith so my belief becomes strong enough that I can trust Him to turn it over and NOT take it back! Does sound like the second step huh?? (me grinning) Ok...guess I'm rambling here but wow....did I appreciate the topic and everyones input. The situation might be a little different, but the similarities are defintely there. I also can use more feedback on this particular situation of unhealthy relationships cause I know in the text when it talks about relationships can be a painful area and often times we have unrealistic expectations it is no coincedence that it falls in the chapter RECOVERY and RELAPSE. Thanks for letting me share and please keep me and my support group in your prayers. Cindy
as an addict,,, even though clean,, there was a belief that i wasnt complete unless and until i was in a relationship !!!
I though a woman in my life would complete the happiness equation so i found someone and aslo was married to her after 6 months !!
It did not work,, primarily because i believe that i had not gotten the spiritual angle yet !!
I figured that as i was clean and serene nigh on six years (then) the time was ripe for marriage !!!
" ACT IN HASTE AND REPENT AT LESIURE " became a reality as the marriage did not work,,, and it was all the more painful realizing this could happen even though clean !1
I call it a late hit !!
we even had a child,, and that has proved the only good thing about that marriage and eventual divorce !!
she wasnt an NA member,, ive always been ghuided to steer clear of NA women except for the message of recovery of working together in service !!
I had to go through 4 odd years of painful seperatioin,, a time when my Pa died,, my semi- celebrity status as a great saxman suffered as well my reputation as a good an oldtimer and cofounder of the Fellowship in this city !!
simply because i was in a great hurry to become socially acceptable !!!
today my selfesteem and self confidence comes more from things other than those of money ,property and prestige that can divert me from my primary purpose !!!
all said and done,, all those trials and tribulations are nothing compared to the fact that i have experienced many miracles along the way,,,
those memories cease to be apinful and seem gainful to those who are in similar predicaments or those who need that insight !!
its another day clean another day won today in my recovery !!
all my painful experiences in recovery seem to have a message too for those who need that message !!
that you dont have to use anymore no matter what,, just for today !!
thanks for letting me share
raman an addict
clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide !!!
(im off to watching soccer on TV now,, good nite y all and sleep toght !!!)
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Relationships, period, are hard at the beginning of recovery. For me, I had no clue who I was, let alone trying to find someone with whom I was compatible and would be a positive in my life. When I got clean and started going to meetings for the first time, it was for all the wrong reasons. There was no HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS, or WILLINGNESS on my part, just MY agenda. My boyfriend at the time, was pulling time and we had already decided I would go into treatment while he was incarcerated so I would have a place to live. We were homeless and living out of our car, had a wreck, and he went to jail. I had no place to go but treatment. Together we worked on getting him the least amount of time we could and it happened. When it came close to time for him to get out, I was already using again. I had isolated from my NA family, stopped going to meetings, delved into my work, and a tailspin relapse followed. While not all relationships are destructive, I have to give myself a break and work on me, not on an "us" that I'm not ready for at this time. And I will say, the loneliness, despair, hopelessness, etc. are all emotions on the forefront right now and I know when I deal with them I will feel better. Not to say that it makes it any easier right now, but I do know that shooting another bag of dope would only make it worse. . . so just for today I am working on my recovery and working on me.
The flip side to this is that I made some wonderful friends and still have those friends, even after going back out and adding more to my story. The men and women in my NA family have been awesome and without them I do not think I would have even wanted to come back. They have shown me unconditional love and have supported me throughout. . . something I have never had before in my life!
yeah- i have 60 days and she had 14 years- she told me of her attraction and i felt so lonely i decided to go for it- lasted three weeks- misery- and now she dumped me and i feel bad- want to use- will hhave to see her now in the rooms and hear all about it- sucks- might not go back cause it will be so embarrasssing and shitty- doesn't seem worth it- maybe get clean again sometime later- maybe. Totally sucks to be used and dumped like that- glad your feeling good about doing this to someone like me- great - so gald you got something great out of it- way to go.
yes, relationships can be a terribly painful area for us, as our Basic Text rightly says. Usually, I have found from my own conflicts with others in my life, especially with my mother, wife, employer and a few friends in NA that what lies at the root of these conflicts is my unrealistic expectations that I place on others as well as myself in a relationship. I project these expectations into my relationships, and voila, conflict erupts when reality doesn't match my wishful thinking. I get angry and resentful towards the other. I build a case by focusing entirely on the other and what the other said or did. That part of my disease which is called denial veils me from seeing that one part that might hold a possible solution to healing and recovery from these conflicts - ME
Loneliness, despair, self-pity all creep in. As our literature says, I tend to forget at these moments that I could make use of the program - the meetings, my Sponsor, the Steps, the literature...
"We forget that we are powerless over other people." This is one very powerful line from our Basic Text that I try to constantly remind myself in such situations. That brings me to my First Step, allowing me to liberate myself from all the unnecessary clutter about the other that is draining my energy. When I admit this powerlessness over the other, I get a permission to look at what I might have done as my part in the drama. I get an opportunity to explore my thoughts, motives, what I said and how I behaved. During this process, something amazing happens to me. I discover that I've forgotten about what the other said or did, in fact, there is no other in this process. I have more important and relevant aspects of the conflict to look at - myself. This inventorying process makes it possible to reverse the process of blame, for me.
Honestly, writing about what I want in a relationship, what I'm asking for, and what I get, and sharing this with my Sponsor, or another member, or at a meeting helps me to work through the conflict and my negative feelings...
The other day I heard a member share about how important it is for her to build, nurture and grow her relationship with self first and foremost. Very powerful message this one, glad I got to be there at that meeting hearing that... Being in touch with others in NA and listening to these messages keeps me grounded in the principles of the program, where I'm reminded again and again that if I'm angry, frustrated hurt or resentful about someone, it's actually me who has these feelings, not the other... the problem lies within me, and so does the solution... This solution does show me ways to bring the healthy 'me' into social interactions with others, teaching me to create more assertive and principles-based boundaries, at the same time, allowing another the right to have the same by striving to create and enhance a safe atmosphere for the other...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hello cubby, and welcome. Don't let anyone drive you out of these rooms. Find some new meetings to go to for awhile. If you think that you feel bad now, think of how you'll feel if you start using again. It's not worth it. Give yourself the time, you deserve it.
Why is it easy to find woman in N.A. that are more supportive of busting up long term reationships. I have seen too many salvageable relationships end due to some limited information. Some relationships become unhealthy after getting "bad information" from woman, for the whole, have had only the experience of unhealthy relationships. Where is the truly selfless woman?
SS that is s pretty general and otherwise provocative statement. The rooms are full of sick people trying to get well, and this kind of behavior certainly is not limited to females, nor is it anything like a majority. Welcome to the board.
