look I don't know where to begin.. I feel better on this board than in person.. Its a long story but here is the condensed version..
I am tired of my own lies and denal.. it statred back in LA doing the Acting /music scence .. and let me tell you I went through major Shit ..
had many oppertunities but cuz I was so Wasted on Meth and crack that I just pissed on the gifts life was giving me..
I have been running away for so long..
I began when I was 30 ,, now I am 38 soon to be 39..
I'll cut to the chase cuz I don't want to bore you..
So Spun out.. ended up Homeless got offered to " Be taken Care of by some Homosexuals.. Tried it and it was definitly not me.. the drugs kept me there..
I so Left became Homeless again --- So I came back Home cleaned up for a while cuz no meth in my town..
Finished School Began Smoking Crack cuz it was every where.. went crazy .
for a bit...
. stopped and began again.. I manage to work and hold a job and now I smoke once aweek but I blow my whole pay cheack on the dope and I don't want to do it no (any) more!.. It makes me afraid of my own shadow and God won't listen to me.. I threw my talent down the drain..
while high I meth.. I would stare at the sun.. being all delusional.. thinking the sun is God and my delusion was so sweet...
well now ... Years later I am dealing with the consequences have holes in my rentinas.. can see still but I tell you my vission is way poor..
There is so much more stuff as we all have .. I just need to connect with someone I feel so isolated and like I am a big waste of life and a soul who is broken... anyways .. sorry to bother you .. but I don't know what else to do...I am tired of wasting my life and going through teh motions to to get by and get that blast....
Grant! welcome to the board!This is the place where many "broken souls' come to share "hope"You realize you must first 'surrender,'sometimes when we think"God ".is not listening it may be because we are asking but not "letting it happen"God will give us what we "need" not necessarily what we want.Have you tried meetings,getting support group,staying close with those in "recovery">?You no longer have to fight,put your trust in something 'bigger than you' Listen man<im just another struggling addict in recovery ,trying to work some spiritual principles in my life,asking(after many yearsof not)for help thru my support group and my God.You found us here,keep coming back.This is what we were given"life"its short and then gone,you dont have to spend it in misery,but it takes "work" and faith...hope to hear from you again...peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
WELCOME ABOARD GRANT so glad you found us and keep KEEP COMING BACK and sharing your life its gonna get better as long as you have a desire and keep reaching out for help right on happy to have you here.....
Grant- Welcome Home. We are all in the same boat here. We all share a common bond-ADDICTION!! The sick, lying, justifying, delusional disease that we suffer from. Keep coming back. It does get better- Its pretty simple, but for an addict like me, I can complicate the hell out of a rock!!!! Take it one day at a time, and always know that we're here for you! Love ya' brother from another mother!
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"...To weather the storms of tomorrow, you've got to have strength today."
Grant, Welcome Home! I am so glad you posted here today. We... I... need you... your post took me back to a terrible time that I must NEVER forget... and I was dangerously close to forgetting.
When I was still dope-sick, sleepless and shaking, snot and tears running down my face, with that terrible gut-ache that is meth and crack withdrawl, and the deep soul-sick shame that is the hallmark of every addict, somebody once told me, "You are not as broken as you think you are..."
And so it was... and the Fellowship wrapped warm, loving arms around me, not wanting anything from me, not wanting anything but to help me... and they loved me until I could love myself, and then they went right on, loving me... asking nothing, expecting nothing, demanding nothing... and offering everything...
Four years later, I am still here, and still clean, happy for the first time in my entire life... just for today. Here is the message you need to hear:
"An addict, ANY addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live..."
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
thank you all You are all so wonderful and for teh first time in a long long time I feel liek I am not alone... I think this pay day i wont use .. yeah... Thank you.
Welcome Grant and thank you for such an honest share!! I dont know much about crack but I do know about the loneliness and despair that I felt when I finshed reading your post.
One day at a time, together we can do what we cannot do alone.
PLEASE find a meeting somewhere close to you so that you can have the human contact we all need , especially in the beginning. You will find that n/a members and sponsors are all awesome people who will stop at nothing to help you stay clean and sober. When I first started , my sponsor who I knew about a week , took me to her home. She introduced me to her family and made me feel so comfortable and a part of something. She then announced that if the phone were to be ringing at 3 am, not to worry it was going to be Carol needing someone to talk to . I couldnt believe how a stranger would go through all that for ME. Incluing me in her family made me feel so special. i had felt so unworthy of such a simple thing for so long...there IS A BETTER WAY! This payday We will all be praying for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. KEEP COMING BACK!!!! GOD WILL LISTEN AND SO WILL WE
