I've been home from rehab for about 6 wks now and it's almost impossible to make myself get out of my own selfish will. I thought it would be easier by now but some days it's harder than the very first one when I decided to enter detox. It's not so much about using on the bad days but how to live through them w/out mentally obsessing about them. The good, the bad, & the ugly. I have no idea if this is even making the slightest bit of sense but I haven't been sleeping a lot lately and w/ only being in recovery for such a short time having to face my demons sober is mentally, emotionally, & physically exhausting. Please don't think I am playing the victim card here in any way whatsoever because I can assure you that I am a very firm believer that "VICTIM'S DON'T RECOVER" I was just hoping for a few suggestions or possibly even someone out there might remember what it was like for them personally in the very beginning when they had to actually learn how to live sober and not just say they were sober. Any ideas, suggestions, thoughts, etc... would be greatly appreciated. I know now just how niave I've been by thinking once I stopped putting the drugs & alcohol in my body everything else in my recovery would just fall into place. I guess it's true no matter what I'll always have that addict mentality to some degree. Thanks for listening & letting me vent. It always makes me feel better and for that I will forever be grateful to this board & NA>
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The Will Of GOD Will Never Take You Where The Grace Of GOD Will Not Protect You
Hi Stacey-your experience is not unique...pretty much a great description of many people's reality in the "post acute" phase of withdrawal and early "recovery". As they say in another fellowship, "There is no easier, softer way." And since you are clearly willing to not be self-victimizing or to remain naive, here's a shocker for you...it does NOT necessairily ever all go away, even with years of clean time.
But for most, the mental and physical hyper-focus (obsession, "stinking thinking", craving-whatever) does get easier, less frequent, less intense, and does get replaced with the benefits of clean time: the ability to make different choices, the ability to attain some balance in emotions and lifestyle, the ability to let our fellow addicts "in" in a healthy way, and the ability to handle the rough and challenging times that, for me anyway, never totally go away.
For me, when I'm not in the best place, in addition to "working the program", I tend to chew things a lot...gum, celery, carrots, dark chocolate, grainy crackers with hummus or peanut butter, an apple...may sound ridiculous, but, for me, this has often gotten me past some really rough spots...chewing something healthy just does something in me to quiet the brain chatter & relieve the body pressure a bit. That and a trip to the treadmill!
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Stacey, Im really glad you shared. Oh, yeah, I remember very clearly those early days! Somehow, I thought that all my problems would miraculously vanish once I got clean!!! That, however, was not realistic. I was still me, and my messed-up, mangled life was still what my using had made it.
I didn't begin to get relief from self-will and that raw-nerve obsesive mentality until I began working the Steps of NA with an NA Sponsor.
Like Lee said, some of it has not yet gone away for me. Its so much better than it was, though!!!
My suggestions for you...
LOTS of meetings Get a Sponsor Work and apply Steps in your life Prayer Give yourself a break KEEP COMING BACK!
We didn't get this sick overnight, and we wont get better overnight, either. Remember, its progress not perfection...
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
Hey stacey! during my first couple years was very difficult for me to "find a spot" played in bands where musicians were all using,all old friends(that were still alive) using ,devastating boredom<now what do I DO SYNDROME!,projection,(I'll never be able to go to a party again,hang with the boys etc.and on and on.Had to find new things.started running,took martial arts,accepted MY God as my personal savior,,joined a church group ,and ALL that helped BUT!!! i started back gambling again,having affairs of the mind,was mean spirited,all my monsters now brought to the light of 'abstinence.Until When I got back with program (NA) GOT A SPONSOR,started opening up somewhat and always shared what was on my mind(not easy for me)doing whatever service I can,,things started clicking.I can definitely say i HAVE HAD A SPRITUAL awakening even after many long years of abstinence.Life has been "blasting" away last few years and I do get worn out, but thru support groups as here,meetings sponsors myGod (first and foremost) I am able to remain "clean"Using ,as I now know would just devastate and chance of accepting,courage and wisdom.Hang in ,keep coming back,say whats on your mind and then give it to the power'greater than you' and "just for today' you'll be okay.......yes give yourself a break like tisa says.Gradual improvement not immediate faultlessness!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Merely saying "Thank You" doesn't even begin to describe how grateful I am for this board & the people who belong to NA. The replies I've gotten from you guys were exactly what I needed to here. One of the greatest gifts this program & the people in it have given me is no matter what problem I am having or if I am just feeling down, depressed, confused, etc... someone somewhere whether it's in a meeting or on this board simply "gets it" or the topic of discussion at the meeting is just what I needed to hear. I also feel like every post or reply I have the privlege of reading on this board helps me in more ways than even I could have ever imagined or ever dared to hope for in such a short time. I am coming up on my 90 days and I owe so much to my immediate family, NA & the people on this board. I would have never made it w/ out all of you and this program. I am still struggling w/ a lot of the day to day things that I have always taken for granted. Mike you have no idea how much I can relate to "finding my spot". Your reply hit so close that it's almost scary. I just wished it was as easy as you made it sound. I know I have a long long way to go but thanks to all of you I do feel better and a lot more hopeful about getting there one day. Hope everyone has a great day!
Thanks again, sstacey69
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The Will Of GOD Will Never Take You Where The Grace Of GOD Will Not Protect You
Stacey, I didn't have time to think about it. I went to one or two meetings a day for the first 3.5 years without fail. I packed my weekly calendar with as much activities (involving fellowship) as I could while starting a new business and being a single dad. Get busy, so busy that you don't have time to think. Why do you think (at 45 days clean) that your thinking is of any value? What is it that you think that you know? I used to tell myself (the committee that lived in my head) to STFU. I also bought myself a nice stereo and a bunch of good music (with my drug and alcohol money) and turned it up loud enough to silence the committee. You just need to buy time and avoid idle time by yourself. "When an addict is in his/her head they are in a bad neighborhood". Get busy, I'd like to hear you report back that you've doubled your meetings, began exercising, made 12 new recovery friends, took on a couple service jobs at meetings, and got a back up sponsor (you do have a sponsor don't you?)
I hope that they told you in treatment that only 1 in 20 stays clean. So what are you doing, that is vastly better than the other 19 people that Will have to leave and start using again, to pave the way for you to stay clean? Every chair that you sit in, in a meeting, is a dead man's chair. It's sobering just to think about it.
Dean
-- Edited by DeanC on Tuesday 22nd of September 2009 07:35:46 PM
Hi Stacey-your experience is not unique...pretty much a great description of many people's reality in the "post acute" phase of withdrawal and early "recovery". As they say in another fellowship, "There is no easier, softer way." And since you are clearly willing to not be self-victimizing or to remain naive, here's a shocker for you...it does NOT necessairily ever all go away, even with years of clean time. 
