Sometimes I hate sharing . Theres a reason. When I share I expose myself. I put my demons , my secrets , my defects on the table . And other addicts get to see them. And that scares me.
I dont like knowing that you know where Ive been..I really dont like that you know where Im at.. And it scares the shit out of me that some of you know where Im going.
Its painful to share . I dont like newcomers seeing that pain. My ES&H comes not so much from the pain I sometimes go through . But in letting them see that pain and knowing Im staying clean through it.
Im in pain and IM NOT USING !!! Im feeling it. And if I cry every second of this day. And if I exhaust myself to the point of not being able to walk or talk or to even pray one more time. Then I will collapse into my bed tonight and will Thank God fo letting me have ONE MORE 24 HOURS .
Sometimes its painful to share. But at the end of the day. It is so worth it.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
hey anthony. thats how i used to feel. but now i just dont care if people know. sometimes its nice to know that other people know where you've been or where you're going.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I,ve basically always try to "tough it out' on my own,no family just me and my God thinking that will be good enough.All in my own head.I have "been spilling my guts lately" and am finding also that I am very guarded but letting it out ( my sponsor,my support groups and my God it is taking away a little of the edge. We talk about "pain shared is pain lessened" for me its really helping.After many years of 'CLEAN TIME ' I realize I still "aint that well!!! Yes our bottom always has to be "just dont use" but the bombardment of everything else sure makes us think of "blankin it all out!!Yes and sometimes all it takes is that "next day" to come back strong..At almost 62 years of age I have been feeling "real tired of IT ALL LATELY!!! BUT Family here,there and everywhere(AND THATS YOU MAN) definitely helping drag me back to "battle".I wish you peace ,you"ll get thru,we have to believe that!!!! PEACE MIKE
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Here's a news flash...ME TOO!!! I am very resistant to sharing stuff when the end is nowhere in sight. My faith and trust that the pain will stop, or get less, or eventually lift, just isn't there sometimes. I almost never want to share it all...even tho I usually do...I still don't want to. Before I even open my mouth my head is saying-no,no, don't throw me the cliches..don't say this...don't say that!! Always, tho, I come to see that we really are all in this together and no one corners the market on ESH...that's why we share it...the good and the bad.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
