Humans change their minds , Shit happens .  Lucky for me every time I decided to not love HP he just kept right on loving me .   Its to bad Jerry never got to get clean.  He might have seen that his strange trip was a beautiful thing .

Theres just no accounting for whats going to be when we throw our hearts into the whole love thing.  Its so easy to stay in the moment when we first fall in love. Everything is new. Colors are brighter , smells are smellier. the touch of your new partner is electric.  Then life steps back into our fantasy and POW. its done. Like one of those wooden matches . A spark , a huge flame , a small flame and ashes.  Its just life.  As long as we never get so beaten down by it that we refuse to ever throw our hearts out there again.  As long as hope is still alive in us then all will still be well.  The old saying its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is so true.  To refuse love when it comes your way is the greatest sin.  To accept love and then lose it is simply nature.

 I remember that other one= 
Love her entirely and then set her free, If she comes back, then it was meant to be. 

Thanks for identifying Tisa,, And that other one,
 
He/she who loves entirely cannot lose entirely and then that other one= 
The philosopher said to his beloved, on finding she was rejecting his love 
"The pain of loving you is better than the pain of not loving you" 

And to think that Havelock Ellis, the first real chronicler of love and sex issues, said that for the union to last there must be union on the physical and body chemistry level, then the mental and emotional level and finally (of course) the spiritual and psychic level. 

Oh gosh, isnt this love thing really complicated, requiring us addicts to keep it as simple as we can. 

There were two actual instances this morning in the department store lines. There I am standing behind this youngish woman, and I looked closely at her. 

And I had a thought
" Even if i could date this woman just once or even talk to her, Il make my day". 
That que was luckily very long and I had plenty of time standing there admiring her beauty. And yes, then she was gone, leaving me with a memory of her beauty. 

Then just about 10 minutes later, I remember that Id forgotten washing soap that the house mates wanted and went back in.
 
Now this time, there stands another very desireable woman, also buying soap. Im thinking how this is a good time to try and get her phone number, so I hover around, but each time I try and do so, there is some interuption. So I had to be content with juts standing two places behind her in the que. 

And then as Im clearing up whether Im imagining too much, she looks at me and smiles. "Lucky strike buddy, that number is yours"  says a voice,  but then she is gone.

-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 10:02:26 AM

Hello my friend!
Being the zsa zsa gabor of the mens side i thought i loved thru 3 marriages.At 18 married with child on way,lasted 10 years ,although overseas 4 of them and didnt communicate last 3 years,,hmmm "love' 2nd lived together for year and a half said we needed to get married "livin in sin' the family ,my grandma.so we got married,6 months later' says"you dont act like a husband. hello its the same guy been living with you,,3rd met in last period of my active addiction,lived together not good with family though, ,said im leavin if you continue your ways drugging /dealing and what we do,of course addicts do continue their ways or take another course(recovery,death,institutions etc)she left 'love' was real here,I wanted her and I wanted to live..I believe the first time i really 'loved"28 years later we are still growing in""  love"'you know that box of jujyfruits in the cabinet when im dreamin of them or letting  me run when i need to knowing i;ll always return.Took me awhile to hone in on it,but blessings are abundant now..each day offers another opportunity in recovery.just wanted to share that with you and I feel in my heart it will happen for you  when it does..peace my friend good hearing from ya..when you splitting??

Funny thing happens this morning.

Im walking into the hospital for my appointment.
I se two smiling faces looking at me and smoking their cigs.
Then I stop in my tracks, that is Jacqueline.

I look at her, click her with my fingers and go and say hello, and chat 5 minutes till she says
"Raman, you said your appointment was at 11.30 and it is now 11.40, you got to go"
"Ok, Ill se you sometime" I say, she nods, I kiss her on the head, give her a hug, say bye to her pal and move on.

I go into the waiting hall, and I have a thought
"What an idiot I am, I should have asked her and her pal to lunch".
Twoulkd have been a perfect setting for enquire her good health after 8 months !

And then, just move on !

Twas a fab morning,
sun in the sky and a lightness in my steps,
then I see my old flame Jacqueline,
and realize theres still a fire burning,
so there she sits, I speak to her, with love,
exchange good glances,
and then I was gone !!!

Raman, trust God, or your higher power as you understand him.
That is the only lasting love that matters.
Be blessed and thanks for all the support.
You and I will get thru this together, if we pray.

Thanks Keli, we will survive and grow !

Love of my Fellow human beings is love of God, im most successful in love when I operate that way !

My sponsor had given me a clue about self esteem when he had said
"The way to self esteem is to do esteemable acts".

By the same token, the way to God's love is to love humans !

And ive experienced that no amount of kowledge on love will actually do !

So what I am saying is that what im sharing is valid for me and has worked, not so much because I had prior knowledge on how to love fellow humans, but indeed, it seems that each time one feels love (an abscence of hate) there is a theory that emerges from that experience abot what worked and what did not.
And then I have tried to nurture that feeling on those lines, rather than what someone said or some book quotes, or some expert professess.

And also, not being a newcomer and having experienced lots of love forst in the Fellowship, blood family, friends and world at large, I know what this feels like.
However the very nature of love seems like a new perspective each time there is a peak in the feeling; leading me to believe that Love has been the Highest Emotion I have experienced, and want more of it.

hilarious Raman. You know my answer to all of those is Don't ever Fall in love, especially with someone that you "Can't live without" because you will likely have to. If we keep the gratitude for and the expectations of our relationships limited to "One day at a time" we can never be hurt, lonely, or sad and our intended will feel such freedom that there won't even be a thought of leaving because they never "Stayed".

When i say I love you, you say thats not true,
then when I try to show you I love you,
you say thats not good enough for you.

Ive tried many ways to please you,
many times did I feel the pain of loving you.
So now what Il do is forgive and forget

So what my darling,
should I be doing ?
Should I be staying or going ?


You let a good love die,
you let it pass us by,
cause you tried to keep me hanging on,
so with all this doubt,
it will never work out,
and tommorow Il be travelling on.

So long easy rider, I know Il miss you for a while,
but sooner or later,
I know that Il forget you.

So free me,
come on and free me,
come on and fre me,
free me from your spell !

One day at a time, limited expectations I like that .

It can get so complicated with other things, my relationship with Jenn has moments of difficulty especially now that so many things have been brought forward that i was doing to her most were very wrong and hurtful , i see it now with clear glasses on and wonder WHO the hell was that guy, not that everything has changed but I am working on a lot of it and everything seems to be less stressful and more calm she even says I seem so different and I'm just changing how i react to almost everything.

Keeping love and selflessness at the fore front takes some getting used to ?

All that said, I still believe in love.
This day, I was shown great love by a 5 year old NA baby Toya.
She was there with her mother at the Area PI meeting, Bless here that she was not afraid to talk with me and show me her joy,