Seems to me that what YOU thought got you right here. Dont feel bad , Self will got all of us here. 6 months clean is a miracle and should be just about enough time for you to realize you dont know squat. What does your sponsor say ?
Theres a dear friend of mine with 16 years clean. He works a program really really well. He met a girl with 18 months clean and decided she was soooo spiritual he had to be with her . They got together and less than a month later came a giant shit storm over a sponsee on methadone. Now they avoid each other at meeting and the bullshit gossip mill is churning .
Whats the lesson ? That we are addicts . That we run on self will at the drop of a hat. That our disease will use ANYTHING to drop in on us again. We have to be vigilant at ALL times.
Your going to do what you want to do. We cant stop you. But stop back in and let us know how it works for you.
Best of luck .
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
I have to agree with Anthony and the suggetions of others with some recovery in NA.... It's awesome you found someone you enjoy being around. Can you guys just be friends? Thats my thing. I try to be friends with people... It's usually enough. :) Yea keep us posted. Stay in close contact with HP and if you find your focus going from recovery to this person.... may want to reevaluate. But.. Its also good to experience things in recovery. Just don't use no matter what! You can't even imagine the transformation that's will take place in your life if you continue to work steps!!! Happened for me and I'm grateful I was able to focus solely on the process (steps, service meetings...) and get the most out of it. a relationship doesn't have to be unhealthy to take our focus off recovery, ya know?? Love ya :) thanks for the share:)
As Anthony said, you are going to do whatever you want and we can't stop you. JUST DON'T USE NO MATTER WHAT... and keep coming back...
This was my experience:
In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have hooked up with (literally!) the very first man I saw in an NA meeting! LOL! Talk about unmanageability!!! The next twisted co-dependant relationship I got into a scant month later was even worse. I don't recommend doing what I did.
Two sickos simply do not make a well-o.
My first year in recovery was a time of HUGE changes in the way that I acted, thought, felt, and perceived the world around me. Trying to adjust to my new life and trying to adjust to all the changes a new romantic relationship brought was way too much for me. He became more important than my program. He relapsed. I relapsed.
When I came back to recovery, I made a decision to stay out of romantic entanglements for 2 years... a record for me!
For those 2 years, I worked on me... and today, I actually feel like I have something to offer a partner.
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
It has already gotten "physical". If I have to give up drugs, I'm not giving up sex!! Plus it is more like "friends with benefits". We are like 2 peas in a pod. But we have talked about just being "good" friends and helping each other stay clean. I just got out of a CrAzY relationship that lasted 12 years.. I know this is a rebound type of thing. He knows it too (I hope).
I know deep down that I use men like drugs. Just like how pot made me "complete", I know that men do the same thing for me. Like I said I was with someone for 12 years until I came home and another girl was in my bed with him and they were heavily using. I found hot tin foil with speed on it and a plate of heroin (I was 5 months clean at the time.) He (my ex) told me he was clean for 3 months, but he was doing all of this behind my back (the girl and drugs!!) So I AM coming off a hard break-up.
I just want the comfort, the touch of a man in my life. And since this guy and I get along, why not, ya know?? He feels the same way about the comfort and touch of a woman. It feels soooo good to wake up to a warm body who is holding you. And with someone you know and trust and are BFF's with. But I am a co-dependent in a major way.
Like I said, if I have to give up all my drugs and alcohol, I need to have something to have fun with!! I don't know...I just wanted to vent I guess. I like this board. I won't pick up...no matter what.
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Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.
whats every ones thoughts on if u were in the relationship before recovery. but you used the whole time together? should I leave the almost 4 year relationship or walk away? she just got home from treatment and its like they brain washed her in there.... and we been fighting hella, and just hit 30days 2 days ago. any advise????
I have had two sexual relationships in recovery.
The first one was at about 4 months clean and did not go very well.
I stayed clean, but I was not ready.
The second one began at 11 months clean and has lasted since then (we've been happily married almost 26 years and I've been clean throughout).
So, it can work.
The bottom line is that if you have a relationship your recovery still has to come first.
whats every ones thoughts on if u were in the relationship before recovery. but you used the whole time together? should I leave the almost 4 year relationship or walk away? she just got home from treatment and its like they brain washed her in there.... and we been fighting hella, and just hit 30days 2 days ago. any advise????
...hi there,,welcome to the NA board.....from what you're saying,,it's unclear to me whether you have some cleantime yourself?...or if either of you have been in the program for any length of time,,,both of which could help.
....in my own experience,,,my using partner and I did a terrible job of ping-pong--one of us always going the wrong way,,,,and didn't 'get' the program enough to know what -real- honesty,open-minded,willingness was about.
.....I know for me that even though I've been around NA for ~5 years,,and am now 9months clean (today!),,,I have come to the point of preferring to keep focused more with the program of recovery and look for emotional stability within myself,,,before I venture back to the ups/downs of relationships...
...just for today,,,I value friends over lovers,,,getting to know myself.
.....if you're finding that you're 'fighting hella' as you say,,,but really care for each other,,,,it's likely best to care for each other from a distance,no?
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Yeah we both have 34 days now and she really confused me today. we sat down and talked and she decided that.we need to take a brake for a bit but still be together. idk what to do. at treatment and her familys they like brain washed her into thinking that coming back to our house we bought and being around me WELL make her relapse. So I decided to give her this "brake" and am just going to focus on my meetings and better myself and then on work. then maybe our relationship. Hardest thing I have done it was harder to come to this conclusion then it was to quit using a few different drugs at once... trying to stay outta my head and not dwell o. it bit its hard as hell!!! thanks for the advice and such!
Oh and we used our entire. relationship too which didn't help she had relapsed a couple weeks before we met and I relapsed around the.time we had met. she had had just over a year clean before she relapsed and I just a month then...
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...ahh,,good to hear you're both connected to the NA program!...hopefully enough to know that recovery needs to come first!
...for what I've been through,,,it's pretty clear that any,,everything can be confusing and overwhelming,,,and can be a cause to run back to old ways.....for me -everything- had to go to the side of recovery.
....'brainwashed'?...I dunno......but if you love the gal,,,and really want recovery....you know what to do---ask your sponsor. Perhaps also a councilor might be useful?
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
I know deep down that I use men like drugs. Just like how pot made me "complete", I know that men do the same thing for me.
I won't pick up...no matter what.
There is a perspective that you already have picked up. That perspective might be wrong - but you might find it worth thinking about.
Here's my opinion:
Drugs are but a symptom of my problem. When I use something that I know does the same thing for me as drugs, I am not addressing the root of my problem. I'm simply avoiding it. If we find other, more benign ways of escaping - that's cool, until those other ways stop working, or become unavailable, or whatever. Then the drug of choice starts to look really good again.
I suggest to my sponsees...not to get into a relationship for atleast the 1st year. Because the affair will keep them from working on themselves. There's something about affirming ourselves with the appreciation of another, that takes our eyes off of our recovery.
That being said, who am I to tell anybody what to do. We all have to learn our own lessons, by ourselves.
-- Edited by Davethewave on Thursday 10th of July 2014 06:14:09 PM
Ok I get the don't date for a year but what if u r already dating???
I don't know you; I'm not your sponsor and so I really don't have an opinion on what YOU should do - really. The following is simply a story, a true story - this isn't a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what I think you should do...okay? I know you can't hear the inflexion in my voice but I'm sincere - just a story from my past that I decided to share with you.
I came into AA back in 1978. NA was more fitting but there weren't any meetings where I was at so the courts sent me to AA instead. I got a sponsor who had over thirty years sobriety at the time - sobered up in the 1940's. His wife was one of the first women in AA; she came in at the same time. They had been married at the time for about ten years. They went to their first meeting, both got sponsors, both came home after working with their sponsors after the meeting and both got the same suggestion: separate bedrooms for the first year. I hear a lot of people suggesting that the 'wait one year' suggestion came from treatment centers but this came straight from two different sponsors (his and hers) who didn't have time to collaborate.
Anyway, they did as was suggested and just worked on themselves for the first year. Afterwards, when the year was over, they moved back in to the same bedroom and picked up where they left off. For them, the suggestion seemed to work (although no one can know whether they would have made it if they had not taken that suggestion). They stayed married till he passed away and they both stayed sober till they died.
Ok I get the don't date for a year but what if u r already dating???
...your earlier quotes.....''she came home brainwashed'',,,,,,,,''fighting hella'',,,,,,,,''she really confused me'',,,,,,,''we used our entire. relationship'',,,,,,,''she had relapsed a couple weeks before we met and I relapsed around the.time we had met.'',,,,,,,,,,,''she had had just over a year clean before she relapsed and I just a month then...''
...........all the above quotes from you would seem to be indicators that there's a well-paved highway of using impressions between the 2 of you,,,,all good reasons to put recovery first,,,,take some space from each other.
.......talk to your sponsor,eh!
....in my recovery,,,I'm now a 'close friend' for 10 months with the woman I was with when I last relapsed,,,but no more than that. I've seen that to work the program thoroughly I need to make some space from the ups/downs and triggers of a close relationship,,,and there's a great bonus of getting to know each other real well as friends--it's hard to describe,,but very different from being in an 'active' relationship,,,,I think we both are closer than ever in many ways.
...some of the ups/downs you describe remind me of the reasons I chose to make some space
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Hello there. Umm i just have a few questions and i don't know where else to turn to. I am currently dating the man of my dreams, who is in Na (well tries to be, he doesn't like it much) whom has had a recent-ish relapse 5 months ago. I have known him for a couple years and we are madly in love and dating. For which i have been told recently that that isn't the best idea- The idea to be dating someone in NA in there first year. He was clean for 7 months before we starting dating again, and a month before we did he relapsed. My first question is, its probably a dumb idea to be dating someone who is saying he is clean and fine, and in his first real year of recovery eh? My second question follows a story. He recently fell down and got road burn on his back, which was painful for him. He was given something for the pain by his mother, and took it in a way that he used to, for his addiction. His mother full well knew that and said it was fine, it was for the pain and he only did it so it would react faster. It was for medical purposes. He went to the hospital and was continued to be given someone thing from his mom, and morphine from the hospital. After it all he was prescribed something, once again, for the pain. For a fucking road rash. Anyways, i think he's making excuses for himself and that i don't think any of this is right. If you have an addiction you have to deal with these kinda things, without medication like that. Unless its a real medical emergency, not like what happened to him. Even people with broken bones wait to go to the hospital and tell the doctors you have a history with addiction and they deal with what they got. So, do you guys think that what I'm saying makes sense, or are they right with how they treated the situation, and he didn't actually relapse? One more question, is it wrong for me to drink beers occasionally if its not around him what so ever?
Sorry for the short story folks :P i hope i get some feed back. Thank!
. ...hi Nicky......I'd have to say you're not far off on your perceptions.......members of NA generally will consider it important to let the doctor know they're an addict,,,, are very reluctant to be using anything that takes them in the direction of their drug,,, but understand there's some circumstances that it's appropriate to surrender to a doctor's order to get through a critical situation....many would consider the events you're observing as red lights on the road to recovery! ...as an addict ,,~11 months clean and in relationship ,,,,it's clear that if I relapse,I shouldn't expect her to be sticking around longer than a microsecond--it's a tough-love,,boundary thingy!......there's certainly no 'rules' for this in NA,,more like general principles and approaches.
....for me,,in early recovery,,,,,I definitely found the emotional ups/downs of an active relationship tough and triggering to my addiction--something I've decided to take a step-back from.....again there's no actual 'rules' on this....but often advised.,it comes down to a personal decision by those involved.
....as for your other question,,,,in NA,,it's very clear that alcohol is considered a drug like any other.....but there shouldn't be a problem with you ,,a ''normy'',,having your beers on your own time,,,,though there might be some issues if you came home swizzled!
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
