Hi everyone,

I survived.

By the grace of God I survived.

I need to stop living on the hard dark edge, or I need to figure out a way to do it more safely.

I don't know why I have always gravitated to that.

I am going to reel it in a little bit.

I am sorry for the drama, but sometimes if I don't get my feelings out, they explode and then I explode.  I would rather get them out here and not act on them.

I appreciate that this is a safe place to share. You have no idea how much you have helped me express some deep, deep feelings.

Sometimes the self loathing, the self hatred gets so severe, that if I don't get it out somewhere, I end up using drugs and alcohol. I really need to start getting in touch with this self love thing. I have tons of people telling me that they love me, but that always scares me to death. I have been so used and abused all my life by everyone around me that I have trouble believing that someone would love me. That is why when I got involved in this intense relationship, for the first time, I actually believed that someone loved me, but whether they do or not still remains a mystery to me and I need to figure that out, because I just want what everyone else does. I want to be loved and to be able to give love. I want to understand and be understood. I want to listen and be listened to. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge me.

I do appreciate everyone's support and comments. I didn't realize there are so many of us here that have this same problem with addiction and Borderline Personality disorder, but I am glad it is out in the open so we can talk about it. We are only as sick as our secrets. I fancy myself a unique individual, but I am beginning to realize that my story and deep feelings have resonated with a lot of you here and that you feel the same way inside as I do. That kind of freaks me out, but it is also comforting to know I am not in this alone and that finally, other people understand me.

As you can all see, I am the type of person who doesn't hold anything back. I put all of myself out there. I usually get things out in my art, but sometimes my art becomes my life and I start living inside my art.

The photo I put out there is Hardcore but it expresses how I felt at that moment. I would take it as free expression of a feeling, as art and as nothing else. It is just an expression of inner feelings.  I have seen some beautiful photographs as well that made me cry and showed me that there is more to life than the hard edge and that there really are beautiful people out there who love you and care about you.  I cried for an hour when I saw those beautiful photographs, but those were tears of joy.

Last night, I realized I was pretty sick and needed to go inpatient. I was too close to the edge of the cracker for safety purposes. That is why I decided to give all my weapons to the Cops. I was completely honest with the inpatient team and the cops and they felt safe letting me out today, they checked out the story with the cops and those that live with me, so now I am here.

Also, just because I talk about God and Jesus doesn't mean that I am pushing my religion on anyone. That is God as I understand him, but I don't pretend or presume to know who God is for you. That is non of my business and that is between you and God.

Some of your posts are a little confusing and I don't understand them, but I appreciate all the love support, feedback and comments.  I do understand peace todaye.

I am going to put my email out here: kelli887@yahoo.com I am doing that so that you can contact me if you want to. I am not looking for a bunch of crap and flirtations and greasy kids stuff so don't send me any of that crap. I am open to having people send be beautiful and positive things that will enrich their lives and mine. I am so sick of the negative crap, and I don't need that in my life right now. I am also looking for honesty. I don't check my email every day, but I do check it frequently.

I also am open to discussing anything brought up here further. I do want to say, that I consider this just like my other 12 step groups, what we talk about here, remains here, between us and NA is NA for a reason. We all talk about a common problem, our use of narcotics, or triggers and we remain anonymous because that is the only way we can safely share. The only thing different is we do so in an open forum so other people can get value from our mistakes, our successes and our problems and we can work out things together.

Family, with your help, I will get better. I finally figured out and realized this is a spiritual problem.

Latter on, if I get brave, I might start posting some of my more and softer edge photographs, to show you guys I have a softer vibe to my beauty and truth as well.

God bless and thanks for the love.

I have to go. Got a meeting with my sponsor and then my therapist.

K.