Hi Family, As I write this I am trying to remember to have acceptance and faith because God and NA have never let me down. I'm trying but I am still angry. Briefly, in my active addiction I thought it was a good idea to overdose my last day using. Like a lot of addicts I'm sure, I damaged my body with the drugs. At the time my liver, kidneys and heart were damaged. From staying clean my liver has rejuvinated healthly cells and my heart appears healthy on EKG's. However, my kidneys are easily prone to infections for some reason. Over the years all the doctors I 've seen come up empty as to why. By all tests I come up health. Yet I had yet another kidney infection a week ago wich resulted in a trip to the ER. Today was my follow up visit to the doctor. Once again I get to go be poked and proded for numerous tests so the docotrs can figure out what to do with my pissed off kidneys. I find myself angry with my disease and myself for the choices I made in my addiction which led to my helath problems now. I thought I had accepted the consequenses to my actions awhile ago. Through staying clean and a lot of work I have been given a life beyond my wildest dreams. Then I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I'm just angry. I hate that I have to explain to my husband that we can't go out to dinner because I made a really stupid choice eleven years ago and am still paying for it, so can he please take me to the hospital. I hate the look in my families eyes when I tell them I'm sick agian and they think back to the day's events of my overdosing. I know I am not alone. I try so very hard to remember to be grateful for the health I do have and all the other gifts I have recieved. I'm just so angry. I'm angry at God and I don't want to talk to God about this. I manage to still pray every day and just avoid the topic like I'm making small talk with a stranger on a long bus trip. I feel entitled some days. Like because I'm clean noe this shouldn't happen. My defects still manage to find their way in. Most of all I'm angry at myself because I did this. I didn't mean for this to be so long. I've been avoiding talking about how this all really makes me feel.
THanks for sharing Jackie and good luck maybe they can find something with them kidneys and resolve the trouble.
Have you looked into alternative medicine things to do or take for those kidneys ? I take milk thistle for my shot out liver and I take grape seed extract for my immune system + multi vitamin.
I have changed my water to filtered rather then tap I have a bad feeling about our tap water , now when I go to the tap to use water I smell chlorine and I even smell a stink thats horrid and can't even believe I drank that stuff. The filtered water is so good I go through twice what I used to drink.
Let us know how it goes I like changing the word anger to whats really going on, maybe frustration or disappointment ?
Thanks for the reply. I do take lots of vitamins daily for my over all health. For my kidneys specifically I take cranberry supplements. My water intake is very good. I drink about 4-5 liters a day to help flush out my kidneys. Frustarted and disappointment do fit but I think angry best suits my feelling. I really am trying to deal with this with a recovery mindset. I know my steps. It's just hard right now. I know this to shall pass I just need to talk about it I guess. I have my home group Thursday and I am hoping I can be humble enough to share about it. Until now I have just been ingoring it. Like that will make it go away or something. I'm still an addict to the core. Hugs, Jackie
I have read some of your posts. I am sorry to hear about your health troubles. Thank you for the support. I am hoping to gain the acceptance and gratitude needed to get through this. Until then I will just keep working my program as I was taught. I shared in my home group today. I didn't really feel any better after but at least people know where I am at. I talked to my higher power about my feelings and turned it over. I am still scared. I know fear is a lack of faith. I'm just trying to walk through this the best I can. My first doctor's appointment for testing is Monday. Hugs, Jackie
