I had 2 years clean and a wonderful new husband who loved me unconditionally.
NOW I have spent and spent and gambled and gambled and have taken everything he had and lost it ..... His 401k hardship loan. ,my 401 k money from my xhusband. and all our credit cards are maxed. When we got the hardship money i caught up some bills paid alot on the cards etc...and blew the rest!!!Imagine , just imagine how i cant even look at him ....... god help me i dont know what to do!I know I have to get back into recovery, but that doesnt fix this financial mess!!
My counseler asked me if it was any different than spitting on his face or cheating on hiM????Is that accurate to you all> honestly>?
bankruptcy i think is our only option. I hate to do it know because my husband is 46 and am afraid we will never be homeowners....and that is all he wants!@!!!!
Anybody got any wisdom on this? will we be able to get credit afterwards if we do that? He has a good job as an airline mechanic, been there 11 years and is "topped out' meaning he makes top dollar......
Thanks ahead of time for any wisdom someone can give me!!! carol never mind __________________ carol huiffman
Hey Carol! yup them good ole financial woes..I mentioned to you previously I did some of the same things "in recovery" from drugs.Did end up chapter 13 .was able to save my house at least..We went to a place where they tried to call all of our creditors and get like half payments etc. counselled for few weeks.We were having"spiritual" problems with bankruptcy(imagine that after "gambling my brains away'where was my spirituality then"? Anyway it didnt work we were buried.The counselor did give me some insight though,HE SAID"MIKE YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FAMILY BURIED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES(CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PAY BACK,OR YOU CAN CLAIM BANKRUPTCY AND START YOUR LIFE AGAIN!at that point we chose the latter..(we were fortunate though we already owned) I can only suggest that "you and your husband" discuss together a plan of action.Find someone who has knowlege in advising you and think of it as a "new start' on life..We had to admit our powerlessness over drugs before we could go forward,and even though not using you can see from experience where we can end up(we are obsessive /compulsive people who dont know how to do it "a little bit".I am not condoning not paying for your just debts and my faith beliefs have me trying to even out,pay back before i take a dirt nap,(and that is between me and the God of my understanding.)Ask guidance from your higher power,be still and listen for an answer and get as much financial help you can.its not easy anymore to even go bankrupt,the whole country is ending up there.This is definitely a financial matter but also a spiritual one between you and your significant others.you all will have to weather the storm together.Remember in all of these trials "just dont use" stay connected with your support group and mangage things "day at a time"easier said then done ,but thats how "we gotta do it!!Financial advisor I am not,, a spiritual Guru not,, but i certainly am working toward that goal .anyway keep comin back ,im starting to ramble so time to blast off for now.As always i wish you peace,i definitely can identify with your "situation" mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I don't know how, but I skipped the financial bottom (beside ringing up $10k in credit card debt). When I first got clean and sober (in '89) my first marriage ended simultaneously. I took the $10k in debt, got a second job, sold some stuff, worked 105 hours a week and paid it off in 18 months. Most people in your situation have to turn over all access to the finances to someone else for a year or two while they seek recovery through gamblers anonymous, debtors anonymous (it sounds like you qualify for both). They have daily meetings just like NA/AA does. All of these diseases are symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder and are coping mechanisms for internal shame and guilt about unresolved issues from childhood and baggage along the way. You might be acting out because you have no idea how to BE in a marriage, so you're sabotaging your marriage in order to end it sooner, to get it over with. Like "I can't deal with this, so let's get it over with" subconsciously of course. It's mystifying to people in that position (I've been there and stayed there a lot in my teens and twenties). It just feels like you're a perpetual ****up and everything that you touch turns to ****.
Here's something else that isn't good news. It's very hard for an addict to recover while they are in a relationship and especially in a dysfunctional relationship. Been there and did that too, that's why I finally ended my first marriage after trying to get clean and sober for 2 years while trying to save it. Hope this helps.
What hit me most in your post was "I know I have to get back into recovery BUT....."
I too had "spiritual" issues, and values, against bankruptcy adn declined to go that route, instead chaining myself to thousands in debt that I couldn't pay off if I lived to be 100. I am still spiritual and I still have values, but if I could do it over, I'd swallow my pride, take the bankruptcy, and as Mike notes, be able to start my life again fresh. Being married, that is obviously a joint decision. Probably the best place to start is a good credit counseling service. You can get a lot of info, at the very least, to help the two of you make an informed decision.
Starting fresh though, is only worth as much as the quality of your sobriety and clean time. Without being willing to go to any lengths for that, including working all 12 steps, a fresh start will get real stale real fast. No buts about it, as they say.
As far as owning a home...if you can save enough for most required deposits, you might actually have enough to buy a manufactured home outright. And they are really nice these days!
But ya gotta watch out for those "buts".
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
When I showed up my finances were a mess. And to make things worse, I decided to practice retail recovery for a couple of years. That means, I maxed out too many credit cards. I also tried sex therapy and that didn't work either. That meant sex for the sake of sex with any woman who was interested. Thank God I did not get AIDS. Finally, in desperation, I asked one of the old farts in my group what I should do. He made this suggestion. I will pass it on to you as it worked for me. As I have already stated, I was broke. I had credit card debt, doctor's bills, car payment, IRS was hunting my ass down, and more. Here is what I did. I wrote a letter telling each debtor what I was trying to do. That is, I was attempting to make regular payments and still live a life that afforded me some comforts like food, gas, clean clothes and the occasional movie. Included in the letters that I mailed were copies of all my bills, the balances still owed, the amount of each monthly payment, and a copy of one regular paycheck showing after tax income.
I began to get replies and all but one creditor agreed to lower my payments so that I could live and still pay off my debts. When one of the smaller debts got paid, I would put a little more on one of the bigger debts. Even the IRS worked with me. Now that was a shocker.
To make a long story longer, this is what I found. It took me almost 7 years to get caught up. But for the last three of those 7 years, I was also putting some money into savings. When I did get that last payment made, I began to search for a new place to live. I did purchase a place and I put it together the way I always thought a place should be for me. That was a long time ago and I no longer have it, but it was a good feeling inside knowing that I had done the right thing. It also gave me a source of pride (not false pride) and a sense of a job well done. I live in a bigger place now and I am retired today. I love being here, physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
I am not going to blow smoke up your butt and tell you it will work just the same way for you as it did for me, but I am one of those old farts now who has more than a quarter of a century of clean time. I will say this, however, it is worth the effort. You will never know if you don't take the first step and write those letters. It is amazing how many creditors are willing to work with others in this time of economic downturn.
I hope all goes well for you regardless of which path you choose.
Dean wrote: All of these diseases are symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder and are coping mechanisms for internal shame and guilt about unresolved issues from childhood and baggage along the way. You might be acting out because you have no idea how to BE in a marriage, so you're sabotaging your marriage in order to end it sooner, to get it over with. Like "I can't deal with this, so let's get it over with" subconsciously of course. It's mystifying to people in that position (I've been there and stayed there a lot in my teens and twenties). It just feels like you're a perpetual ****up and everything that you touch turns to ****.
Hi again all: What all of you wrote gave me so much to think about....and especially the notes on if I dont get "right" spiritually it will just fall apart again. I see a counselor once a week for these issues you speak of...but once a week takes too much time. Us addicts want what we want and we want it NOW. lol Marriage is not exactly what I do best. My last marriage of 15 years also ended simoltaniously along with me getting clean, and for some reason I was shocked??? imagine that. He left me for someone as young as my oldest daughter that he knew for two weeks, and Im still not over it, as you can tell by the anger in the way i write.....I never really thought about the whys of the sabatoging, but i d recognize the actions. I will not write any Buts here lol because I know what I have to do, thats what makes me even more ashamed. I KNOW the program, I KNOW the relief I get from my spiritual guidance, I KNOW but I am not DOING.I am so so thankful for these boards, because i justr may get the gentle push I need here.....i am dying here.....and I am so so lost/ but know where to go to feel right again. You all remind me that we need each other . I need you all right now. Until I get off my ass and start working my steps again, and making it right with my higher power. I am powerless,. My life has become unmanageable,. and I am an addict named Carol. God Bless You all for your replies
