I am sitting staring out the window wondering how to put into words what I am feeling. I have been feeling lower and lower as the days/weeks go by. I thought I wasn't feeling great last year but compared to now it was bliss. I am on the Methadone programme and have reduced form 100 to 58mgs and am starting to reduce again at the end of the month. I go to meetings irregularly. I was going almost daily but lately its a struggle just to get up and go to work everyday. I have constant thoughts of suicide (but wouldn't ever actually do it because I'm terrified of whats on the other side) and generally feel hopeless and helpless and that life just dosent seem worth living. Last week i made it to 3 meetings but whereas in the past it would lift my spirits a little I find myself struggling to stay in my seat and inside my head Im generally negative about what people are saying. When I was going to meetings almost daily I had to go away because a family member was ill and when I got back to my hometown I didn't go back and in the 4 weeks I was away not one single person rang to see where I was or how I was. And quite a few people have my number. This kindof said it all for me really. People go on about how caring and blah blah the people and the program are but as I said no one seemed to care about me and where I was. Anyway as you can probably gather I'm feeling pretty negative and depressed and am at the end of my rope really.
I hear ya loud and clear, it just keeps getting worse, until you truly put your foot down and make the change your number 1 goal. I cant say too much, as I relapsed last week, but I did get the guy outta my house finally, that was causing most my drug problem. I am starting recover over, and hate ever minute of it, to be brutally honest, but know my future depends upon my success. You cant do it for anyone else but yourself.
Hemi - Here's the thing with the phone calls. We aren't supposed to pester people who may appear (just by their absence) to not want help. I can see how badly you want to feel better.
Have you thought of calling someone? I am fairly certain they will be glad to hear from you. Just tell them how you feel.
