Short post because its early and I just feel the need.
On this day 1 year ago I had no idea that the world I thought I had so much control over would come crashing to my feet. My will running wild , and me justifying it all because I was in such control.
Shooting dope multi times a day , every day . The responsibilities of a family , a job and life itself were the farthest things from my mind. In fact they proved that I was no addict . Addicts dont keep jobs. Addicts dont raise families. Addicts dont own homes or pay taxes. Addicts dont get called for jury duty.
I had slept most of the day because I worked third shift from 10 pm to 7 am. I woke at about 7:30 pm. Got showered . Got high as per my routine. Got dressed . At about 8:30 it was time for my first boost. It was a workday and hard charging was not on the schedual. Rigged my usual dose and fired.
At 8:45 my son called to tell me he had just been kicked out of the military because of drug use. It was more than a buzz kill . It was on that day a spirit kill . By 9 pm I was on dark country roads heading for work . High . Going way to fast and not caring what happened.
As it happened I was just rounding my favorite turn in extreme excess of speed just as a group of deer were crossing. I remember not caring. I dont even know if I got off the gas at all. I do remember thinking that this was it. I was gonna die and I deserved it.
Waking up in the car was as surreal as its ever gotten for me. I was in a cloud of white. It was deathly quiet . My arms and face hurt like hell. Sitting in the ambulance some time later I did what I had never done fully before.
I surrendered. I gave up. The dope wins. There had to be a better way. There just had to be. This coudnt be all I was meant to be. Hopeless , defeated. spirit long ago crushed .
After a 16 year relapse I ended up going back to NA . My clean date June 3rd 2008 I am not in charge. I am beaten and its ok .
Thank you God and NA . Im clean 364 days and 12 hours today . Miracles happen..
-- Edited by AnthonyG on Tuesday 2nd of June 2009 06:33:24 AM
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
wow what a storey... thanks i needed to read that this program does work as long as you fully surrender..... congrats on the year... what a true miralce
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people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
Gotta love those deer, without them who knows? The deer have become a very spiritual symbol for me, in this last 10 years. I see them often and everywhere I go. I asked a Lady who knows about this kind of things, symbols and all and she said that the deer represent to us a need to be gentle. And I think that that's happened for you Anthony. I see you as a gentle soul. So be grateful for the deer, and their sacrifice that day.
Last year I was on my way back from Boone to the mountain home. There was a stop in the traffic because someone had hit a deer crossing the road. when I got up to where the accident was, I saw the deer in the middle of the road kneeling on all fours, dazed and hurt. It was surreal. Several people standing around wondering how to help the deer. I felt guilty driving off. On top of my mountain they are everywhere. They are attracted to my motorcycle and will actually come to the edge of the woods to look at it and me. I turn the motor off and speak softly to them and we'll stare at each other for 5 or 10 minutes. Great stuff, makes me wonder what I ever saw in drinking and drugs and all the time that I missed being in the woods.
Happy anniversary Anthony. I hope to see you in boone when you get a chance. I leaving today and will be there the rest of the week.
hi anthony! mikef here... yes sometimes as functioning addicts we tend to think" cant be me" im a responsible dude.....congrats on your year back into life.. nice to get to know you alittle better.peace...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
HEy I went to a meeting tonight in your honor LOL since I needed an excuse, something pretty kewl happened there met a guy who used to use who's getting clean, I almost moved into a house next to him about 3 months ago but I could see trouble and now he's clean and we talked and he WISH'S I had moved in he now has bad neighbors LOL.
Celebrate with a pat on the back from me and an NA Hug
Congratulations Anthony, or as I recall, Mr. Winkie...lol You have been a true blessing to my recovery Anthony and I have loved reading your posts this last year. They told me the first year is a gift, after that the work starts.... My thoughts are with you today. Have a very Blessed day and keep coming back!!!
P.S. You know what comes after one year don't ya? That's right- A year and ONE day!!!!!
LOLOL Big BIG NA Hugs to my Friend...
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Wow, when you started saying, " Addicts dont hold job, pay bills, or raise families," it reminded me that that was my way of thinking. As long as I could function in a normal lifestyle I didnt see a reason to give up the drugs. I never considered myself a drug adict. How wrong I was, it eventually all comes crashing down.
Wow. Thank you for sharing that:0 I'm crying..... happy tears. i had a moment of surrender like that as well... I had just given birth, I was high, the baby was born meth-exposed and I surrendered. Haven't had a desire to use since. Just For Today. Thank you God for turning all of us addicts into walking miracles and revealing through eachother that we don't ever have to use again.... holy cow I'm overcome with gratitude. I really needed to see this today, Anthony. Thank you God bless:)
What a blessing you are...what a blessing you have....what a blessing we all be and all have!!
