I have a birthday coming up. Im anxious , Im scared. I dont want to do it. IVe been asked who I want to speak for me..I said nobody. I dont want to go to meetings. I want to isolate. Im not talking relapse mode. I worked for a year off dope. I aint giving it up. But I wish that day would just come and go. I Want recovery. I want clean time But I dont want anyone to notice ?
WTF is wrong with me ?????????
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Perfectly normal brother, you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Conditioned by a life with one train wreck after another, we cringe every time something good happens because well feel like it will be snatched away soon after. Usually we cause it because of this fear of failure by sabotaging our success or perpetuating our abandonment, usually followed by "See, I told you I was f*cked"
Getting to a serene place in our recovery, where expectations are removed, we can enjoy life which ever way it turns out, turns up, turns down.... Life is like that, it ebbs and flows, always changing. It's change that we fear. In a week, you'll no longer be in your first year and that's scary. I got squirely several weeks before my anniversary, every year till just the last few. It's just that way. Breathe deep and relax.
Anthony, please remember that for many newcomers the only Basic Text they will get is the recovering addict.
Literature will be read, prayers will be said, chairmen will be at head and cash for the 7th Tradition will hit the cup bed.
But know what ? Actions speak louder than words; so for a blown out, fuzzy headed newcomer,YOU ,Anthony are the real example. A live Basic Text ! What we recovering addicts do in an NA meeting will probably have the most impact on the newcomer ! They know that what they see is what they get; one addict sharing an honest message with the desperate, dying addict.
What better Basic Text will they understand till their heads and hearts clear up ?
God help us remember this differance !
God Bless you anthony,, youll be alright,, keep it just for today !
And know that the Spirit of the Elders watch over us, and keep us from harm, and in the company of WISE men and women of the 12 Step Tradition.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
hey...there is nuthin' TF wrong with you. It's just the nature of the beast. Some get shook around that time, some don't.
Some on this board know that the reason I came here was because of how not-serene I was getting over a pending anniversary.....my 26th. I was SO nuts over it I thought it was my 25th!!!!
You probably know what people told me...one day at a time...keep it in today....just this 24 hours...and, this too shall pass.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
MAn if I could be there for that Anthony I would be there I will be in spirit and I hope it goes well, JUST SHOW UP BROTHER you have a solid message of recovery to share and gratitudes to give back, just give it all back think of it that way because theres another person out there who really needs to know this shits possible and it can be done.
Happy Birthday... Thank you for sharing honestly:) You ARE a miracle and I love the message you share on here.. I'm sure you are a true asset in your area, as we all are:) and that they appreciate you as much as we do:0 Thank you love you!!!!
I'm approaching my 22nd anniversary being clean and I sorta know how you feel. Other folks in my home group make a bigger deal out of it than me. It's not that it isn't something worthy of celebration or that it's something I'd rather avoid. What it is is that each year it seems that I become more aware how precious each day is and that it's more about God and the people and animals that help me and the people and animals that I help and less about me.
THANKS FOR SHARING FROM YOUR HEART ANTHONY,WE'LL BE THERE in spirit with you..sometimes we do get tired ,but remember man you are here for a reason,thats the miracle in itself..most of us should be taking a dirt nap but we got another shot at it...peace and strength to you....mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
hey...there is nuthin' TF wrong with you. It's just the nature of the beast. Some get shook around that time, some don't. 
