In this house there's a echo of your laughter(demons) haunting me. Loneliness is my only friend faithful and consent to the end. Like the drugs. Thats why am I back here again. Taking the drugs again after all this time been clean. I'm not the one thats so far away when I feel the snake bite (heroin) enter my veins. I felt this before I never want to fell this way again. I don't remember why I came. I never want to be back here again but here I am. The silents wouldn't let me go. Now there are voices (demons) inside my head saying that you'll never make it. No matter how hard I try I want more and more. Every move I'm making every step I'm taking lost with no dictions. It's so hard to believe that I would die for this drug. I took a walk around the world to ease my trouble mind. I left my body somewhere in the sense of time. The voices inside my head are saying its all about the game how you play it. Its all about control and if you can take it. Its all about pain. and who's going to make it. I'm the game and I'm in control of you. There is no way to shake me. Staring but into the night trying to hide the pain. You taking away everything I had good in this world. I'm going to the place where feeling good never cost a thing and love is different kind of pain. No I'm not running from the game. I think you got me all wrong. These games are getting old. The miles are getting longer it seems the harder I try to stay away from you. Let's strart over I'll try to do it right this time around. The love for the drug is killing me. I want it over. I've taken all I can take. Wasting to much time been strong holding on. Life is never that simple believe me. Reguardless of worrying the future doesn't scare me at all. Nothing is going to be like before, because there is this little bit of hope.
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one minute at a time it works when you don't give up
Jayson that's really good. you should write a book. but i feel the same exact way except for the last part. i can't stay away. and the love for it is literally killing me inside and out. keep coming back. You're Awesome.
That describes John Bradshaw's definition of an addiction pretty well where he says that "an addition is a Pathological relastionship (Love to/Have to) to a mood altering substance or event that has life damaging consequences. It is truly "cunning, baffling, and powerful". In AA they say "A man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man". Of course they also say "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. "
Jayson,, you can do it. Try with the 5 minutes experiment. Sary clean for just the next five minutes and in the meanwhile call another recovering addict. Also keep close to live meetings and in the meantime share with us here !
Remember,we did not get addicted in one day, so easy does it. However all we have is one day,, and the 5 minutes can build up to 1 hour, half an day and fore you know it's a day clean. And yes, a day clean is a day won, and we are informed that we never have to use again,no mater what,just for today ! God Bless you and keep coming back !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
The AA concept that "willingness is the key" has been a constant companion that has served me well in the depths of despair...that and that teeny, tiny, miniscule grain of HOPE. Hang tuf...u know what to do and where to be.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
One day into making a very very difficult decision and the demons are back in my head, SO WHAT WHATS NEW they've never completely left anyhow I know them well, haunting and trying to draw me back letting me know that today I have a choice, life over death.
I had a little talk with my higher power yesterday and I questioned mt responsibility to my soul, I AM RESPONSIBLE for the life and death of my own soul, I am responsible for 3 things in this life, me and my soul and anytime another addict reach's out for help.
I may fall short but that doesn't make me a failure and that won't make me give up what i have and what I have may not be super great but its a helluva lot better then what I had before coming to NA.
We don't have to use there are alternatives in our lives after coming to NA I think i'll hit that meeting today that I have been putting off.
BLessings Jayson and Liz and thanks for Raman Dean and Lee for staying .
-- Edited by BigV on Sunday 24th of May 2009 06:39:19 AM
The AA concept that "willingness is the key" has been a constant companion that has served me well in the depths of despair...that and that teeny, tiny, miniscule grain of HOPE. Hang tuf...u know what to do and where to be.
