These Sundays bring early pre-teen memories.
There I am sitting with my younger bro and cousins and we are playing an indoor game.

Then I  notice my feeling and think
"Oh how boring".
Later on i said that to ma and she says
"what do you mean boring ?"
and I had a thought
"she is angry with me".

Many other times ive said im feeling depresed,bored etc.only to be told something to the effect that I shouldnt be feeling that way.

I had thoughts like
" they wont help me" 
"whats the use saying how im feeling"
"she dosent care how im feeling"
and all those other thoughts that got me believing that the only way to cope with them were to change them. and that is how my thinking gets me to act out  some addiction or defect !!!!
And life becomes un-manageable all over again.

I believe Ive forgiven but will not forget,so that i wont repeat the same mistakes with my daughter.

I remember once when she was a small girl she shouted out loud
"Daddy,,please help me ".
My mother was in the same room as her,,scaring her as she had scared me when I was young.
So I went to my baby and consoled her,,,but thereafter, Ive always been firm with my mother as to how she behaves with my girl. And though my ma loves loving my daughter, theres been times of confrontation . Ive had many times to speak up and say that I did not like the way ma was treating my little girl. Being harsh, being ofhanded with a motherless child isnt the right thng to do in my book,,in my script,,in my Text.

Not the actions,not harsh words but the vibes ma can give can get very scary.Ive told her many times that it the wrong thing to do, and she has taken notice only gradually.

Then the message went home,,,,sometimes I get the feeling that my daughters been given to me by the Master Mind to give to my ma to bring up . Seems like she is making  amends for the way she had behaved with me.

My ma was a great mom in many respects but emotionally was a monster who never encouraged honest talk. Browbeatings, reprimands, fearfullness were the things i had to put up with,,never was an explanation given about the right things to do and the right way to do things.

I was weary with all that ,then one day my ma said to me she got married at a young age,,when what she actually wanted to do was become a pilot.

I had an inkling that maybe she had held that against me,,her first born.
Seems that though she and Pa were a great looking couple on the outside,,not all was well on the insides and I had to bear a lot of emotional harshness for no fault of mine.

When these memories surface, I balance it off by counting the good things she did for me,,and still is in the habit of doing..........many ,many things,,that far outnumber the cruelty I had to suffer from her at times.

On this mothers day,last Friday,,I didnt know but got to when she called me and said
"its mothers day today and I bless you son"..

Its a geat feeling and  im greatful. I wonder if I will ever understand my daughters feelings on growing up from the age of three without a mother,,who ran away to her mother's to hide her inadequacies !!

I bless my mother even more for having brought up my little girl,,,giving her more love than I suspect my ex-wife could ever have given her.

Ive prayed to God many times to forgive my part in rendering my little girl a single parented chiild.....
God has shown me many ways to show my girl, that i care very much for her,,,
and so too for ma.. Ive beileve Ive done all amends to ma, as  humanly possible now.

Thank Goodness that the Steps of NA have the complete power to change the most intriguing and baffing of siuations,,,,,




-- Edited by Raman on Sunday 10th of May 2009 04:15:14 PM