I wanted to go to the Liverpool convetion over the wekend but finally talked myself out of it,
Im going to try and list the day and my thoughts on that day about actually getting there !! Thursday nite,,"too early to get there", "the conventions starts only tomorow", "itll cost money" "Il go on Friday"
Come Friday and I had these thoughts;,,"too much study to do" "its too cold,,where will i stay overnite ?" "il go on Saturday"
Saturday "Oh no Im not going today,too much to study" "Even if i go where do I stay overnite ?" "I dont want to spned that much on a bloody hotel room!!!" Then the friend who was supposed to travel those 100 odd miles calls me. "We cant go,",I say.... "too much to study pal,, and where will we stay overnite ? You caryy on if you want to". I could hear the chap was disappointed,,but I did not change my mind. I spent Saturday doing some study and getting in some text. I was thinking Id go on Sunday.
Sunday morning,,,"I dont want to go". Why ? "Waste of 50 pounds going for one day only,,,thut,,,I wish id gone on Friday" "these damn studies,,coming in the way of a good time at the Convention".
The whole day I tried to do some study and distract myself. The thought/desire to go was still lingering !!!! So to suppress that desire what did I think ? "Ive been to many many conventions,,so whats so special about this one eh ?" "Those guys and gals in Liverpool are the rough and ready types,,I most probably did not miss much anyways"... And so on and so forth and now it is nearly idnite,,and I still trying to find out why on one hand I wanted to go but actually denied that desire and stayed at home,,,quite angry at myself !!!!!
And then it came to light,,,,,the reason Im so anxious about a Convetion attendance is most probably because last year,,after at a Convention in Bangalore I fell sick with urinary ract infection,,,just came on.. Then later the next nite,,had a terrible highway accident in the Jeep. Like it was no fault of mine,,just had a fully drunk driver overspeeding across the turning and come right into me. That was a close shave. I rememer the terror on the face of my recovery friend who was with me in the Jeep as it careened and did a complete U turn from the impact...And at the time I was thinking "its because of this bastard this happened "
i think my anxiety is from that incident !! I am wary now. I dont mind travelling in a group or solo,,but I really am wary of travelling with just one another....Always has lead to confusion and mischief.. And my head is not in the rightplace in those situations,,then and now ! Anyone out there identify with these feelings ?????
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Some things I can relate to. I understand lethargy . I make excuses . I find reasons why I cant do the things that I should be doing. When I hear you share about these things it really hits home the insidiousness of the disease. We are recovering or we are relapsing . No middle ground . We don't get to work really hard this week and get some recovery in the bank so for the next month we can draw off it while we forget about working our program. Thanks for showing me that so well.
Today we trust in a higher power. If that higher power decides Its my time to go then that's it. Game over. It wont matter if Im alone or with 100 people. I am not in charge. This is coming from a rank amature in recovery . I know how to get high. I look to the fellowship to show me how to live NOT getting high. Having faith in that higher power makes the job easier on me.
So yes Ramon my brother. It sounds like your struggling with some very old demons. You have been an inspiration to me many times. You have tons of clean time and today maybe I can give back some of what you give me so freely.
First off just as a suggestion...GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Your being way rough on yourself. take it easy. Life shows up. you have the tools to deal with it. Sitting around finding excuses and beating on yourself will never help.
Second. Its not about you.. Your job along with your higher power is to get away from you. Your a sick guy. Don'T you have someone better to hang out with.. ? I don't know . Like maybe a newcomer ?
Also. You got sick at a convention YESTERDAY. You were in a wreck YESTERDAY. You blamed someone else YESTERDAY.. You know where im going with that.
You understand Ramon. To say you don't strikes me as needing a hug and letting you know your OK. Ok brother here's your hug ((((((((((( addict Ramon )))))))))) And now get back on that horse.
My higher power did not bring me this far To sit back and watch you put yourself in trouble. At times like these get back to basics. The readings before meetings are the meat and potato basics for me.
JUST FOR TODAY...... I WILL BE UNAFRAID , my thoughts will be on my new associations. People who are not using and have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way , I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR . ( my caps )
Hang in there Ramon. Call some friends, get to a meeting and let it go.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Thanks Anthony.. great share of strength by you,,God Bless you bro !!! Hugs back to you.... Yes ,I have a newcomer pal who I am trying to be a sponsor to. We had planned on going to this Convention together,,thats why I was even more angry with myself. And that was Sunday,,,,,,
But pon reading your share ,,Ive got a new perspective on things,,
On the other side of it , these lonely renew my connection with HP !!! Been making many meetings,,readings,prayers and Meditations. Maybe last weekend was a time for solitude ! And taking a real good look at my thougths and feelings.
In fact,,on this Monday morning Im actually thinking,after reading your feedback,, " Maybe that was how it was supposed to be" I think i needed the rest. And bit of time for myself. And the studies are real hard work now and later on as..spring turns to summer her,,lots of spare time to do many more Conventions,, them's aplenty in the summer here !!
And again,, thanks for sharing Anthony !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Confusius says " One who has no confusion has no thoughts "
OK no he didnt say that I did
I want need rest too Raman but keep pushing and now my back is gone out which gives me no choice but to rest, see higher power at work LOL HE HAD TO CRIPPLE ME WAHHH!
Thanks Dean and Vin,,im in peace with tha now. Miracles was on Monday nite when a guy from another town announces the necessity for volunteers for service at the UK Convention in two months time. I know that's the direction Im headed. Maybe also volunteer for World Convention,,,,,,,,who knows ?.
DEAMS DO COME TRUE IN RECOVERY !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
