Man I hate having the kind of relationship with my kids dad. He seems very careless about everyone aroung him as for me I'm grateful for the people who walk in my life. I have two kids with this guy and he was my first love and i still cant shake my feelings toward him I just want him to love me back and be the family man he started out to be. We have two kids and he has no respect for me and I'm so sick and tiered of it. I am not the first women he got pregnant but all of them had abortions i am the only one who didnt so you would think he would have a little more respect for me then just treat me like a one night stand. I just want to get over him so a few weeks ago I went out to the bar for the 2nd time and got completely hammered and I thought I could get over him that way. But hell no Saturday when he had my daughter only for a few hours she got bit by a rotwiler on the face, i know it was an accident n was pretty calm well i got dropped off at the hospital n afterward he ended up staying the night and we ended up sleeping together well anytime this happens it seems like for a few days he totally avoids me its so hard cause i still love him n I cant control what he does or thinks and it hurts that he cant respect me or love me back he helped create these kids but cant handle taking care of them with me as a family. I just don't want to lose my sanity over this anymore im ready to change everything necessary in my life to stay clean and sober. Thanks KP
You already know that medicating with drugs (and alcohol is a drug) doesn't fix anything. For addicts like us it just robs us of our already non existent self esteem and feeds the guilt and shame.
As addicts, we also tend to be very co-dependent. It is co-dependency that keeps me stuck in unhealthy relationships, even when I'm the only one in them!
When I can achieve self acceptance and find my SELF esteem (self is the operative word here), I can leave those things behind that are toxic in my life. So, how do I get self esteem? I do esteemable things. I do things that make me feel good about me. I don't drink when I feel bad, I become a better and more involved mother. I don't sleep with someone who doesn't respect me, I call someone else who might be going through something difficult and offer myself to them... A shoulder, an ear, a ride, an invitation for coffee.
I teach people how to treat me. When I give you permission to abuse me emotionally, I am teaching you that it is OK to do so. When I say NO, and I mean NO, I teach you that I will not be abused and I will not settle for less than what I want in the people in my life.
Keep coming back!
__________________
The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
The fellow is just a self-centered *blip* male of the species homo-sapiens. He cares not but for himself and his own mis-guided needs. Trust me. I know! I used to be one! hmm, I even think that I was one just a dew days ago!!
Indeed, a relationship can be insane in early recovery. Jana put it quite nicely how we can expect to be treated by being one way, and how we can show people how to treat us differently by being strong, for ourselves, for those so very close to us (ie. your children).
It was a positive step to simply tell us what is going on with you today. That is one way of reaching out. And again, as Jana said, another way is to reach out to someone (preferably in real life!) who may also be having a tough time and ask if there is anything you can do.
Stay clean. Go to a meeting. Ask for help. Offer some help. And keep coming back!! Thanks for sharing...
Recovery is a difficult enough task on its own without having the added strain of a relationship...believe me, I know! I'm guessing that this guy isn't in the Rooms, by the way you've described him.
One thing you can be sure of is that if he doesn't have respect for you in all these areas of your life, he damn well won't ever have any respect for your choice of recovery! And if you make the decision to keep him around, you're putting yourself at a terrible risk.
I completely understand the whole "I love him so much, and I just want him to love me back" thing...but honey, I can tell you from experience that all you're doing is slowly killing yourself inside by clinging to that.
One of the best things you could probably do for yourself, as hard as it might be, is to put as much distance between you and him as possible. Working on YOU is what you need to do - you CAN love yourself for who and what you are, you CAN be comfortable in your own skin - and you WILL be someone so special that he's gonna really regret losing!
This one's for YOU:
March 24, 2009
Letting go of the past
Page 86
"It is not where we were that counts, but where we are going."
Basic Text p. 23
When we first find recovery, some of us feel shame or despair at calling ourselves "addicts" In the early days, we may be filled with both fear and hope as we struggle to find new meaning in our lives. The past may seem inescapable and overpowering. It may be hard to think of ourselves in any way other than the way we always have.
While memories of the past can serve as reminders of what's waiting for us if we use again, they can also keep us stuck in a nightmare of shame and fear. Though it may be difficult to let go of those memories, each day in recovery can bring us that much farther away from our active addiction. Each day, we can find more to look forward to and less to punish ourselves for.
In recovery, all doors are open to us. We have many choices. Our new life is rich and full of promise. While we cannot forget the past, we don't have to live in it. We can move on.
Just for Today: I will pack my bags and move out of my past into a present filled with hope.
Very funny heading to this thread So in the same lighter vein, here's a musing - Is it really the relationships that are insane or is it the person or persons involved in a relationship?
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Man I hate having the kind of relationship with my kids dad. He seems very careless about everyone aroung him as for me I'm grateful for the people who walk in my life. I have two kids with this guy and he was my first love and i still cant shake my feelings toward him I just want him to love me back and be the family man he started out to be. We have two kids and he has no respect for me and I'm so sick and tiered of it. I am not the first women he got pregnant but all of them had abortions i am the only one who didnt so you would think he would have a little more respect for me then just treat me like a one night stand. I just want to get over him so a few weeks ago I went out to the bar for the 2nd time and got completely hammered and I thought I could get over him that way. But hell no Saturday when he had my daughter only for a few hours she got bit by a rotwiler on the face, i know it was an accident n was pretty calm well i got dropped off at the hospital n afterward he ended up staying the night and we ended up sleeping together well anytime this happens it seems like for a few days he totally avoids me its so hard cause i still love him n I cant control what he does or thinks and it hurts that he cant respect me or love me back he helped create these kids but cant handle taking care of them with me as a family. I just don't want to lose my sanity over this anymore im ready to change everything necessary in my life to stay clean and sober. Thanks KP
So in the same lighter vein, here's a musing - Is it really the relationships that are insane or is it the person or persons involved in a relationship?
