Hello, Recovery is all up and down! Going on my third week I am heavily into guilt and shame.
I can't seem to stop thinking "what have I done?" and "how could I have done this for so long knowing how wrong it was?" and how i wasted my life and my son's life and how could I have been in such denial and so on, and so on and so on!
I know I need to forgive myself but I think I can't, how could I? Why should I? I lived a life based on so much deception, risk to my health, throwing money away, etc.
I just can't seem to face it and own up to it and forgive myself.
hey, guilt and shame for me is a journey. It isn't going to go away within the night it's a process like everything else in recovery. What helped me was working the steps with my sponsor. The 4th and 5th step helped me let go of the past and look towards the future. It took me 6months to get to that step and really in early recovery i was drownding in the guilt and shame. What helped me get through the day was to remember that I was human and yes i have made tones of mistakes, but i can't do anything about that today. Its done and over with. What i can do is make a comittment not to make those mistakes today. It's not where we have been that matters but where we are going. So every positive choice i made in the day i congratulated myself, even the small things like taking a shower, or getting to a meeting, or talking to someone in recovery. I put the past behind and looked at myself in the immediate day. I also started to change my language like the shoulda woulda coulda and can't stuff. Those words just draged me down so everytime i said it, i would stop and replace it. It does get easier and i learned that i could forgive myself for the mistakes of the past and learned how not to make them again. Over a process i don't have any shame and guilt of my past and for that i am gratitful, but it took work and viglience and of course staying clean keep coming back emily
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people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
Emily I don't know how to forgive yourself for those things as I have not forgiven myelf either. I don't know if you will ever be able to forgive yourself but I do know that time goes on and nothing is going to stand still. My advise is to just make the very best out of the time you have left. You have a chance to make your life better. And to make you realationship better with your son. Don't let the past destroy your future. Do your best now and only create good memories from here on out. That is all you can do
STOP!! Anything in your mind that tells you anything that opposes "I am a worthwhile human being, sick but getting better, a child of my higher power, not meant to use drugs" is your disease - Dis Ease - talking. Don't listen! Get to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps... All that stuff is addressed in the steps Emily!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Please stop honey that crap will make you go back out. It says in the basic text we are not responsible for what we did in active addiction, however we are responsible for what we do in our recovery. The past will keep us in the shame and guilt. When you go to the next meeting grab the Ip called Triangle of self obsession. Read it and go over it with your sponsor.
I was a bad person when using but i felt bad about myself most of my life even when I wasn't a user and it made me a real good addict feeling bad about myself all the time.
Self pity is another bad place for us to be in too.
start patting yourself on the back for what you are doing TODAY, every day pat your back and so I am doing the best job i can to stay clean .
We LOOk for excuses thats the nature or our disease we like DIS EASE.
Hi Emily,, this may sound like an advice but it isnt. I dont want to lose your respect for this Program by giving you advice about it. However ,,theres always these "will work" things.
The first has been,,for me and many others in recovery,,sharing one on one with another recovering addict. Needless to say,,it is also suggested that someone of the same sex will be less likely to judge and will most probably be able to identify at a deeper, more emotional level issues connected with gender.
My own experience has been release from shame,,thats one feeling that will stop me in recovery. Ive learnt that while guilt and same will be felt in recovery, guilt maybe necessary to improve but shame is the opposite of that.
As Ive understood,guilt says Im doing something wrong,so I can use the Steps and admit that and move on. However, shame is a feeling that dosent allow forgiveness or moving on from my faults. And that is a dangerous feeling in recovery. I hope Ive been making sense ??
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
