LeeU here-grab a cup and have a seat...this may take a while!!
And bear with...probably every sentence will begin with "I".
3/1/09 I am riddled with projection that is mixed with trepidation and a mysterious anticipation. Don't like it...feels yukky. It's all over my pending...presuming I stay straight and sober a day at a time...25th anniversary.
I am so grateful to have 12 steps and the associated fellowships to deal with my stuff.I have no clue why this is emerging within me at this particular point in time...never has come up before any other anniversary, and there were certainly others that semed to be of much more significance in my journey than this one.
I know a bit about the relapse progress and to the best of my knowledge (inventories, step-working, the feedback of trusted others, increased meetings, etc. ) I am not on that slippery slope. I take the necessary care to see that I don't get "too" anything...balance, moderation, help someone else, stay busy, get enough rest...maintain conscious contact on a daily basis...you know the drill.
Yet for some bizarre reason I am just fixated on getting to, through, and past April 6th, "THE date", so the day will be nothing but a pleasant memory, "just" another day in recovery. The only difference I can detect in approaching this one is I have a much clearer and deeper understanding of the wreckage of the past. That seems to be the case the more time passes.
Yet I am not dwelling on or wallowing in shame, guilt or remorse. I have made the amends and the necessary self-forgiveness and my relationships with those I hurt just keep getting better and better. My gratitude is enourmous and unless I am deceiving myself, I truely believe I am more humble than prideful at hopefully reaching this milestone. I do not take any credit for my clean time...it is only by the grace of a loving God that I am even still alive.
3/6 insert: I've never blogged, but I think I will about this, since it seems to be what I am called to do for now. I guess that's how it works, huh...I share, you share, we all share, He cares, do I dare? Yes, I do, no longer blue, thanks to you. JFT is about flying high while clean, and the dangers thereof. More on this to follow.
-- Edited by LeeU at 22:35, 2009-03-06
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Hi Lee.U. That means its on April 6,,more than a month away. Words from the Basic Text ring in my mind= We stay clean for ourselves. And then in Just for tody we read that the only promise NA offers is freedom from active addiction. Its the passive addiction thaI as an individual have to work on.
For me this meant that I an ddict hacve a tendency to fixate on outcomes rather than processes. Simply stated , addiction without drugs manifests as extremet anxiety and its a deadly thing I have experienced in my recovery too. Especially concerning birthdays this last one was difficult. It called for an extreme flexing of my will power to get to a meeting on that evening. I was in a very foreign land,working on a study assignment, it was winter holidays and I was so crammed with self conciousness trhat I did not want to move out on my 21st anniversary. HP saw fit that a trecovering friends voice went off in my head and told me " get there, theyre waitng for you to turn up". So I went and shared and heard some great shares and then went to a dinner with them afterwards.
So it went off well because I was forced to concentrate on the here and now in context of my studies,, so I lived a just for today Program. A mail from my sponsor helped too.
I know youll be well LEE,,hugs and love to you. Please keep coming back and please keep sharing !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Yep, Raman, it's that JUST FOR TODAY thing. Thanks...can't see the forest for the trees sometimes! I have been wasting time asking Why? A friend of mine a long time ago always said "Because Y is a crooked letter." Maybe that's all the "answer" I really need. Why? Why NOT? Today is all I have...a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. You also hit home with "anxiety"...that is definately in this mix and I'll need to take a look at that. Take care.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
you're a perfect example that no matter how many days of clean time, we still can feel squirrely the last couple months before our anniversary. It's happened to me a lot. Kinda reminds of how I get just before a full moon when there's too much on my plate. Relax and enjoy these days and reflect on the gifts that you've received this past year, as I know that you have. Every 5th year for me brings incredible gifts, and this year is no exception as I wind down my 20th looking forward to July 25th. Cheers.
Coming up on 3 years, found myself being around a lot of drinking lately need to back away from that but that's life its going to be there and I haven't needed or wanted it but its funny! it keeps popping up more often lately, hmmm tempting spirits after my soul again maybe LOL...
THanks for sharing Lee we gotta tell on ourselves sometimes and talk about whats going on get it out in the light of day so to speak, no secrets .
Having only about a 5th of what you have in terms of clean time, I certainly don't have experience with anniversay jitter at 25 years but I do believe that my disease has the same IQ I have and is even slicker than I am and it uses ANY means necessary to get me screwed up in the head... cunning baffling and powerful!
I'm guessing it will pass on 4/7! Just an aside, my 6 year anniversary comes on 4/5.
Happy 25 Lee!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
yes, no matter how long we stay clean thers always something to work on,,, I lost my gloves on a cold cold nite here. I must have left it on the train I was on. I was going to a meeting 10 miles away. Now Im getting myself worried and scared about losing something bigger next time,, so I hope to God I wont.
And just when I though I had the serenity-angle all figured out,,I blew up on an NA pal last nite. In fact,hes a sponsee of mine and basically though I did not like what I did last nite, I kept trying to convince myself that that was what he needed. But I knew in my heart that I was wrong to put things across like that,,though he may have irritated me with judgements.
Anyways we met this evening at the meeting and I gave him a hug before the meeting and then I apologized after wards. And he did too for his part in it.
And now here I am,,at nearly midnite,,thinking why I forgot to pick up my gloves from the seat !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
ummmm.... well, congrats on your anniversary! 25 years is...wow...i don't even know what to say, i'm barely to a week, and i'm pretty stoked about that lol so, for someone new who doesn't have really much experience, strength hope to offer someone with your experience and time, after reading your post i immediately thought of a cd a friend of mine just gave me, called: emotional sobriety. he talks about milestones in sobriety and how emotional sobriety is so important when we start to feel 'out of whack' whatever. it is an AA speaker, a friend of mine from AA gave it to me, i'll try to find out what the guy's name is that's speaking, maybe google it, idk. it's pretty deep stuff, definitely past where i'm at (ha step one!) but still good listening for me. i really think you would benefit from it? hugs
Thanks, Surrender...of course the point is I haven't even had the daggone anniversary yet. I am finding it amusing how many people have congratulated me on it!! Glad I'm not th only one projecting!! LOL And yes, emotional sobriety is exactly what I am focussing on, which certainly includes the first step. We all only have the day we have. Take care.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
yes,,no matter how long weve stayed clean theres always emotional work to be done. But then again ive learnt after many years,that one cannot actually change the feelings we feel. There is no such thing as "You should not feel that way". Its a younger member saying to an old timer " You should never be anxious after this many years in the Program" or "You are an old timer and you should never be angry".
I remember my sponsor saying this is what teh Steps are all about. What cannot be changed has to be accepted and sometimes things we thought were gone do come back. Especially difficult is the reappearance of an old defect that was resolved . Then it comes back to wreck havoc for sometime,,and if the Steps are seen as the solution they do go away.
What cathces a serene recovering addict by surprise is what its all about. So my sponsor had suggested a change in attitude rather than trying to change feeelings !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
25 Years! That's awesome, congratulations, thanks for sharing.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
3/6 Still fixated...convinced there's something physiological going on with my drain bamaged neurons. Drug nostalgia, mixed with post-amends thoughts of the torment I put the 'rents thru-both long gone but not forgotten-forgiving of me and forgiven by me-definately a two-way street. The night my dad died I got a call from mom that he was doing better (heart attack, in the hospital) and I could call him. I was on my way out to a meeting at which I was speaking. "I'll call him when I get back." Too late. Second one took him out. She said he told her before it hit that he was glad I didn't bag the mtg to talk to him, and I know he meant it. A staple on my gratitude list.
-- Edited by LeeU at 18:59, 2009-03-09
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
3/15/09 As they say, it works if you work it. Glad to report the obsession is gone-GONE-thank you all in the fellowship(s) who have helped get me back on track, including G.O.D. /God. It was very bizarre to feel so uncomfortable with 24 yrs+ of a clean & sober second chance at life. Just goes to show how this "cunning, baffling & powerful" toxic illness can inch out of remission at any given time, ANY TIME, and we have no defense against that first use or drink. Only the daily reprieve, based on spiritual condition, can intervene through these steps to bless me with the integrity of another day clean & sober.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
3/20 Ive been thinking about my father some more, and the things I learned from him, often reluctantly, resentfully, and very dismissively, that help me in my sobriety/clean time today. Also rising to the surface have been memories of my mother, who died about 2 years after my dad, and bits of her legacy, which I had also disparaged in my using days. They were both still alive and came to see me pick up my five year chip in an open AA meeting. That made me feel so goodId finally accomplished something other than being a source of pain and sorrow. Coming up on this one, Im feeling some of that pride (not the unhealthy, self-deceptive kind) of attaining and sustaining redemption. My recovery is a living amends, even to those who are gone. What peace that brings.
-- Edited by LeeU on Friday 20th of March 2009 08:29:40 PM
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
3/21: In my formal education and training in treating addictive disease (or substance use disorders, or chem dep or whatever the heck ya wanna call it!) I had access to high-quality research results and expert practitioners on the brain science of this condition (addiction-both in remission and active). I noticed there seemed to be a consensus that there is a physiological base to the 30-60-90 days-6 mo-9 mo-1 yr, 2 yr, 5 yr, 10 yr, & every 5 or 10 thereafter, phenomena, or cycle, of either being more relapse prone or experiencing a deep wave of "something", which seems to have spiritual growth at the developmental core. Maybe both processes are
going on and thats why we feel so daggone squirrely, good, bad or indifferent, around these particular markers. Cunning, baffling, and powerful.
3/27/09: Good for me! I havent given it a thought in almost a week. Perfect lesson in keeping it in today! I was going through some old notes and such on addiction, going back 30 years. AMAZING how much we know about this disease (for want of a better term) and yet how little all that knowledge and research trickles down to the addict and alcoholic who still suffers. Even the best treatment approaches, the best medical supports, cannot come close to working the miracle that the sum of these steps does.
Today is my daughter's birthday. She's 35, (going on 21!). I miss her terribly. We were estranged for years and shes still not real communicative, but at least she speaks to me, loves me, has forgiven me, and lets me in a little more each year. I am so grateful for the healing that has taken place, and hopeful for more to come.
3/31..and how wonderful to receive a simple "thank you for the flowers"!!!
-- Edited by LeeU on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 07:55:41 PM
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Take care. 
