Hello ppl,I`m new to this whole thing so ill just give it a try.I`ve been struggling since my early teens to live an acceptable or different life .Not saying that my upbringing was bad but I felt that in my youth I didn`t have any attention being that I have 7 sisters and I`m the youngest of three brothers.I started drinking at the age of 13 and my first joint/blunt at 14.I guess I figured that I had some type of acceptance from my socalled friends back then.Eventough I used and had acknowledgement from certain ppl I just didn`t feel like it was me.At 19 I was introduced to cocaine and it quickly blew into crack cocaine but still I thought I had fun and attentiveness from others.It`s like that as of now.I`m doing drugs with other users because that all I know and thats all the ppl I know do.Being married with 2 kids and having these users in my life is not working 4 me.There`s too much money being spent and marriage is on the ropes.Lucky enough my kids don`t really know what I do but that`s money I can spend on them.I know that everyone would say find new friends or whatever but it`s not easy if u don`t know how 2 start.Any ideas?
sounds like my story. I got interested in getting clean and sober when my son was born. It took two years to say goodbye to my old "friends". I made new ones in the meetings. That's how it works.
It will be a process, just because your friends do drugs doesn't make them bad people, so it's not exactly black & white. If they were bad it would be such an easy choice!!
But you will need to make a choice about your whether to take care of yourself & your family, or whether to continue a life of slavery to drugs which will eventually end in horrible health, jail, a nightmare of a way of life.
Most of us here, i think, started at 14. It's a vulnerable age. So it can be hard to imagine life without drugs. Some of us used for 20, 30, 40 years. Most of life passed us by but here we are, recovering and happy in spite of it.
Please listen when I say that life after drugs is simply BETTER. It is EASIER. You end up with so much more money. You look better, you keep jobs, you keep your self respect and you keep your family. You raise your kids in a way that you know is right in your heart. If you think your kids are not affected well, then you are fooling yourself.
If you have read the 12 steps then you know about a Higher Power. In a way my HP IS my heart, in what I know in my heart is right. I go back to being a kid. What did I like as a kid? What did I know, as a kid to be right and wrong?
I think you took a great first step by being here. You will find you are not alone at all and your drug use is a pretty common thing. It' s not at all impossible to stop. There is some time being uncomfortable detoxing.
For detox I told myself, if I still feel this uncomfortable in 2 months, I can always use again. It will ALWAYS be there waiting for me. This worked well when I quit smoking cigarettes and it worked well here too. I gave MYSELF a choice.
But, through the days and weeks, you continue to make choices, hopefully the right choices, and your life becomes better in remarkable ways.
Do not look at quitting as negative. Look at it as how LUCKY you are to open your eyes when others never will. You are lucky that deep down somewhere your heart is talking to you and you are listening.
Please keep coming, and believe me when I say there is hope and happiness right around the corner, just for you. Just keep your eyes open, listen to your heart, and BE THERE for your kids. Not as a scary crack head, but as a stable, loving and present provider. YOU CAN DO IT!!
I think the need to fit in and feeling like we don't fit in anywhere is the story of a lot of addicts first dabbling in drugs. When I found NA, I found the place I fit in and could do it just being myself.
Find some meeting and GO TO THEM!
I heard a guy say, just the other night, "I was always a black sheep and when I got to NA, I found the rest of the flock"!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
That`s the big issue!I`m so use to being in an altered state of mind -that I don`t feel right around sober ppl,but I know I have to give it some time and really try.
I was in your shoes a few years ago. And I will tell you that the right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do. It is easy to remain in your situation, using and so on becuase that is what you know and it knows you. Speaking from experience crack does not improve your life and it will only continue to make it worse with out a doubt. If you really want to stop you are going have to 100% devote your self to it and find new places to hang out with new people to hang out with and new things to do. Good Luck.
Remember you are not doing this to make your life worse, you are giving this up to make room for something better. You should replace what you did before with something positive. Getting rid of the bad creates space for newness and, more fulfillment and something better.
TS makes a good point. What's comfortable is not always what's going to get me desired results. I've had to get OK with being uncomfortable for a time and it's always led to much more happiness and serenity in my life!
This is a program of CHANGE. We begin to accept and believe that our way is not working, by looking at the evidence, and trying something different, no matter how uncomfortable or scary, and as a result we get new and better outcomes!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
I convinced myself for a long time that my daughter did not know what I was doing. But it severely affected her whether she was actually aware or not. I wasn't fooling her or anyone else into thinking I was just a fine and healthy mother, wife, friend, employee etc...even if they didn't know what was really going on with me. I was always operating from a diminished capacity...what a waste!
Using to live and living to use...years of loss and destruction, subtle and blatant, involving myself and others, all to feed the addiction that was feeding my head and starving my soul. When I found NA and read the Little White Book (the Basic Text wasn't out yet!), it wasn't easy, and my struggle to come terms with alcohol was really rough, but I was never alone in that struggle once I kept showing up where others like me gathered for the purpose of getting straight and sober. As they say in AA, there is no softer, easier way...so why let the time go by trying to find one?
-- Edited by LeeU at 19:59, 2009-03-02
-- Edited by LeeU at 20:01, 2009-03-02
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
welcome! all i can say is that this program works if you work it. finding na online is a great start. i suggest finding 'face' meetings to go to. listen to people share, find someone who has what you want and ask them to sponsor you. follow the directions in the book and your sponsor's suggestions and you will not only get sober but have a much better life. so will your family and everyone else around you. i'm very new also (i've been in and out for the last 3 years), and just want to say that my experience with trying to do things 'my way' in the program and outside of, never ever worked. this time i am here to take direction and learn a new way of living. it is not always comfortable or even fun but every day has gotten a little better for me, because i am just doing what i'm supposed to. if you are really done, and really desperate, please just do these few simple things (it won't be hard if you are as broken as i was this time). you can do this, and your child deserves a sober parent. you may not think that they know, i used to tell myself that to. (i od'd in front of my then 10 month old on accident and it still wasn't my bottom!) however, whether they see you use or not, what we put ourselves thru getting high and coming down...i have dabbled with crack so don't tell me it doesn't affect you the day after...anyway, kids pick up on so much more than we think, or want to believe maybe. i wish you the best and i'm glad you're here. i hope you are as desperate as i am and really make this thing work for you. bless rach
"I convinced myself for a long time that my daughter did not know what I was doing. But it severely affected her whether she was actually aware or not. I wasn't fooling her or anyone else into thinking I was just a fine and healthy mother, wife, friend, employee etc...even if they didn't know what was really going on with me. I was always operating from a diminished capacity...what a waste! "
Thanks 4 the advice guys,I appreciate the support.Right now where I`m at we`re snow in and ice on the road but at least I know I can get online and read a helpful paragraph or 2 from someone who`s been through what I`m going through.Much Love 4 that.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
