hi thanks for the advice on the other chat room. i tried to log in but because my email address is already in use, with this chat room, it didnt allow me to go any further. i dont know what im doing wrong. anyway, i hope that i can still get some advice here too.... my husband is still going strong. other than friday night. he hasnt smoked any pot. none in the home. i did know that he was going to smoke on the friday night. i know that he is really trying and im very proud of him. its been such a change in the family enviroment. he has been so present. until last night..and again tonight. the moods are back. when things got a bit tough last night and tonight around the home with the kids, he just lost it. last night he took it out on me by saying awful things and threatening me with leaving because its all too much for him. i didnt take it on like i once would have. and afterwoods told him that it was unacceptable to treat me that way. he actually said sorry, which is something that he always finds hard to do. and tonight, similiar story. although he didnt actually saying anything to mean tonight, just flipped out when the kids were going a bit crazy. i simply needed his help with them for 5 mins and because he wanted to watch something, he just got extremly shitty. helped out with things that i didnt need help with and then went to bed. because im wanting to support him, im not expecting much from him as i just want to concentrate on him staying clean. but at the same time dont want to be the brunt of all his frustrations..im so proud of him, but what do i do?????
Understand that substances do a really good job of relieving stress. So good that in fact they handicap the addict and they lose there natural ability to release stress. The substances also lower their tolerance to stress and they have difficulty defferentiating between low and high stress situations, to them there is just one level, HIGH STRESS!. This is true with all drugs, like nicotine for example.
So the addict needs to learn how to "no big deal" situations that are not normally stressful and become more tolerant through practice. Like with the noise that kids make. Having a conversation with him when he is calm and receptive, and mention that he was hard on the kids for really no reason other than his intollerance. Tell him that his expectations of kids being quiet is setting both him and the kids up to fail. That's what kids do, the play and it's loud. Kids need to be able to be kids or they can grow up mal adjusted (like me ).
It's likely that his dad was a jerk to him, when his was a boy about being noisy in the house. This becomes a pet peave for reasons that he may not be aware of. During this conversation about the kids, you might ask him first, how his dad treated him at that age, under those circumstances. If his says some negative stuff, ask him how that made him feel and how he felt about his dad because of it, and maybe the light bulb will go on.
If we're not careful we Will become our parents. In many ways that can be a good thing, but most of us are here because we had/have dysfunctional parents. Once we "get" that we can just as easily pass it down, or we can break the multi-generational chain, then we begin to realize just how important that our job is.
So true Dean, While using I was always easy to get along with. That was a great relief because when I wasn't using I was a jerk. The using , no matter what it was made me face life with a melancholy that was only slightly less destructive than the impatient ass I was while straight. While high I just didn't care. While straight I just wanted to be left alone. Somehow I had to come to terms with the extreme peaks and valleys of emotion that I faced daily after quitting dope.
The secret for me was in the first step. Not just verbally admitting my powerlessness over drugs, but learning to live it. Knowing that I was out of control in EVERY area of my life.
These periods of being clean but being out of control are exactly where a program of recovery kicks in. Feeling my powerlessness. Feeling its effect through every thought, every action and helping to stop me before every reaction.
Today I pray , often. I never saw myself doing that. Today I meditate . Not well but I practice daily. Today I force myself to stay positive. With the help of a higher power I can be the person I'm meant to be. My God wants that for me.
Its just about putting into practice the things an addict like me know are right. Doing the next right thing. Being the man I want to be.
Its work. It takes constant vigilance at this stage. But if I can do it, anyone can.
If your husband is serious about his recovery A miracle is truly possible.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
hi dean thanks for your insight. all of what you say makes alot of sense. my husband is doing really well and has apoligised for his behaviour during the week and is seeing his ill ways. he has told me that he is feeling better and and his head alot clearer. i know the road ahead is still going to the tough and at least we are on the right road. i have told him about na and hope that one day he gets on here and chats to you all. thanks again for the support..
your insight too, was very helpful. its so interesting to hear your sides of the story and its funny that i can relate to what your saying even though im not the drug user. i suppose its because you now see things we the way that WE see things (when you were using). thanks again
Just remember that you are not reason for his frustration nor are the kids. Once you have to start dealing with life sober no matter occurrs it is frustrating and it makes you mad. If people could quit using one day and the next day have a great wonderful day ---we would have less addicts. Just stay strong and know that it might get worse before it gets better but he will learn to cope with his life being sober.
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