This is where I am at today. My old sponsor fired me. Yes it hurt like hell but I lived through it without using. I had a friend of mine that is a guy I hung with him he is a meeting maker. He is awesome in this program of NA. He has excellent recovery right now. He has kept me up on the upbeat lately. I have found a new sponsor and she is awesome, she said if you use again I will still be here for you no matter what, she says that she believes in me. She actuallys answers her phone and returns her phone calls. I feel that little connection. I picked up the IP No.9 Living the Program my friend suggested that I get it. I answer these questions each and every day now. I just got it last night cause he just told me about it. I have surrendered and realize that I can't use no matter what ever again or use succesfully. I am taking all suggestions and doing something different. My old sponsor told me to say that I was unwilling to do anything different last Wednesday and then on Monday she said you haven't surrendered completely and all this other stuff and I am like you don't even talk to me so how do you know where I am at? I just got so tickled afterwards. She then told me that I need to call this and that person and all this garbage. She told me that I was unwilling to change, I only said it cause she had told me to say it. I have been making 2 meetings a day and maybe more on some days. I have 14 days clean. I just wonder sometimes what she really knows about me and what she doesn't know about me. But you know what I really don't give a damn about what she says or does. I will be the one sitting with a year next year and laughing at her in her face. I will make her present me with it. That will be the funny part. I am hanging with meeting makers right now. I haven't fought with anyone, I have been at total peace, calm, serene here lately. I am glad that I have a new sponsor that is willing to stick and stay with me no matter what happens to me. Life can get better and will get better for me here soon.
well you've made it through without using, but just an observation you seem to want to act out of spite. There are always three sides of every story, yours, hers, and the truth. Your old sponsor may not of had time in her busy life to assist you in what she needs so she let you go. Not fired cause you never paid her for her services. I had to do that with a sponsee because basically she doesn't go to meetings, and is not willing to change any aspect of her life. I am not able to help her, so I let her go, in hopes that she will find a new sponsor who will have a different approach towards her. Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes it's just the others persons judgement. I have found that when I got hurt by someone and started acting out of spite than I was the one suffering because the other person never realized how much they hurt me. I have mended broken na relationships but simply telling the person that what they had said to me really hurt me. Normally an applogy followed because they didn't know. If I held on to that spite my spirituality fell, I wasn't happy, and my connection with others were hurt. I had to learn to let things go and not let others action dictate my behaviour. That's just my experiance....... congrats on staying clean and keep coming back
__________________
people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
Good for you for staying clean in spite of things not going your way! That's pulling up the big girl panties and dealing!!
I need to say, as a sponsor and a sponsee, that we all suffer from the same disease. I'm not always right just because I'm your sponsor. I have had to let sponsees go for a myriad of reasons... Unwillingness to do anything different and draining me with the same issues over and over again but never willing to take suggestions, lack of a connection that allowed us to develop the sponsor/sponsee relationship... I've also been fired by sponsees. It's OK. I don't take it personally. It's not about me, it's not a popularity contest or an ego feeder, sponsorship. It's a really important relationship and if someone feels they can't have it with me, I encourage them to move on!
__________________
"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
My ex sponsor was the type that alway's isolated in her own little world. She had been sharing that for months she just isolates. That is how she is. I am not upset I have learned a lot of things from her. Don't get me wrong I love this woman to death. I am dealing with the death of my mom from 2 years ago. I had let this woman get too close too me too quickly. I didn't want that at this time in my life, I didn't need for someone to try to come in and take over that area in my life. I was going through some issues she didn't understand in my life. It was a toxic relationship for both of us at the time. I will be telling her some stuff that only she knows and sharing it with her. I love this woman still I will have her in my network for a while.
Hey Shannon glad to hear that you're up and running again, with your recovery. Remember that everything has a beginning, middle, and an end, including sponsorship. Next time you'll be the moving on because you out grew your sponsor or needed something that someone else has.
Suggestion. I had thought that you mentioned that you had been drinking, this last period up until your relapse with substances. I would highly recommend attending some regular AA meetings on top your NA to send yourself a message that you can't drink "no matter what" either. It was the opposite for me. I was in AA trying to get sober and relapsed a couple times smoking pot (even a very small amount). So I went to NA similtaneously with my AA meetings and collected all my keyfobs at every time I got my AA coins. After all this time, I still introduce myself at meetings as an alcoholic And an addict, so that I don't forget.
We reallly have to get it stuck in our heads the using is no longer THE OPTION and for us to relearn this trait takes time, and practice. Theres no good reason to use nor any good excuse to use, once you get to that reality and know in your heart and mind that getting high is only going to increase the troubles your getting some where, all this is at times is abstinance, we just don't use and we get through whatevers going on without using, then we can look over everything later once things have passed, though I try to take inventory all the time so I dont get to the point of wanting to use.
It gets easier Shannon but it takes time and experience, the discomfort of being clean goes away thankfully we learn as we go , just hang in there one day at a time.
Great feedback from everyone, sorta pisses me off when a sponsor fires someone who having so much trouble I don't think thats right to do we need to stick together but maybe sometimes tough love or someone tossing us off makes us take a deeper closer look at ourselves SO use this opportunity to take a real close view of yourself Shannon , stand outside of yourself and see who you are, accept the good and accept the not so pretty things its who you are today, and trust me things will change with time.
Great topic and responses, everyone. I know that our diversity is our strength, and there are many sponsorship styles. I read somewhere that there is a tool for every "nut" that walks through our doors! The same could be said for sponsorship.
My personal experience and belief is that my sponsorship responsibilities are these: 1. I am the encourager. I tell a sponsee to just keep coming back and don't use, no matter what, and everything else will work itself out or be addressed through step work, in time. And if they use, keep coming anyway. 2. I am a guide through the 12 steps. 3. I try to be an example of the program working in someone's life. I share with them the good AND the bad that I go through, and SHOW them that we don't have to use, no matter what!
I personally don't believe in "firing" a sponsor or sponsee. No such thing in our literature. In fact, it talks about how "What's appropriate for one phase of recovery might not be for the next. We constantly let go of what has served its purpose, and use what works in the here and now." (Paraphrase) Sometimes a member will need to move on as Vin says, when they outgrow a sponsor. Having said that, there have been times when it has become necessary to set boundaries with a sponsee. When they refuse to take suggestions, refuse to change, and insist on doing things THEIR way, I tell them that until such time as they become willing to do those things, I will only accept ONE phone call per day and that we will NOT discuss anything that they are going through that has already been addressed, but they aren't willing to work on, such as that toxic relationship with another newcomer I told them to stay away from. LOL Anyway, I believe it's important to always keep the door open, for I don't know when that addict will have had enough and be ready to try soemthing different. If I am constantly scolding a guy for not taking suggestions, or for his unwillingness to work on his behaviors, when he DOES become willing to address them, he may not want to come to me for the help he needs and that I can give.
I love Tahir's signature: "WE RECOVER IN AN ATMOSPHERE OF ACCEPTANCE AND RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHERS BELIEFS." Just keep loving them til they want to change.
My two cents....
-- Edited by dan h at 00:17, 2009-01-15
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Well, I have been keeping to my schedule very well 2 meetings every day and Thursday's I tend to do a little more meetings sometimes, and Saturday's do more than just 2 at a time. I am grateful that she did fire me. She is going through some stuff right now. She sahred about how she is dealing with fear, anxiety, and pain from the stock market. She is not wanting to get a job. I was just like ok so do the next right thing. I was sitting there going so what when I was going through pain and all this a few weeks ago you acted as if you didn't care. I was wanting to let my tongue get the best of me I bit it hard last night as she was sharing with me some stuff. I sat there and didn't respond to her at all. I wanted to say the things she used to tell me a few weeks ago I don't feel bad for you. I don't pity you at all. I was going to really say this and glad that I didn't. I know she is thinking that it is all involved with the other stuff but she knows deep down she did me wrong and is sorry that she let go of me also. We had a strong bond in the beginning. She is seeing that I don't even really bother with her at all anymore right now. I did find a new sponsor and she is working with me. She asked me not to fold my arms in the meetings and I am working on that it is hard not to do. She is very encouraging and loving and caring just what this sick ass addict needs right now. I have been at total peace lately with me and where I am at currently. My ex sponsor is right where I was at a few months ago. I don't feel bad for letting go and moving on. I didn't tell her yet that I had found a new sponsor yet. The timing wasn't right cause she said she didn't believe in herself, and I wanted to add my 2 cents worth and say neither do I. But I shut up and listened. I still care about her, she killed that love that I used to have for her and that is just how I feel for today.
Wow, way to go Shannon, keep the miracle alive, WE CAN!
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
