As fucked as it may seem... im already two hours into being up and already ima bout to snap. coping mechanisms anyone??? Because ive already been tempted to call someone even tho its early. Eeep.
And sorry to be such a post whore but its one way of keeping myself preoccupied and not think about using.
Well honestly my prob is pot and pills... mainly pot atm. But if I know someone has something else I try and get it. Im just about to snap.... today just SUCKS
Every time I used to want to use my sponsor would tell me to say the serenity prayer. Tell the disease to go and get the dope and when it got back I would still be here and I would use it with it when it got back. You know what in some kind of weird way it worked. I would dig my book out and read recovery and relapse. I would read Who is an Addict, Why are we Here, More will be revealed. I used to be just like you. I would call and tell on my damn disease. I have to learn to do this all over again now. I relapsed cause I was holding onto some hard ass secrets and my secrets will make me sick as hell. Call people, make a meeting, do anything for you and your recovery. I don't give a damn anymore if it is 3 or 4 am I am fucking calling my ex sponsor, sponsor, network. I am not going to fucking use no matter what. If you don't pick it up, it can't get into your system at all is what I have been hearing.
When I got back into the program this time, and stayed, I made some committments... One of them was to call three women every day. By virtue of doing this, I got in the habit of picking up the phone. When my ass was on fire with wanting to use, I got on the phone and told someone. It amazed me how much power just that act took out of the thought/obsession!
I think sometimes we underestimate the power of exposing our disease. I used to tell myself, "well, what the hell is she going to tell me that I don't already know?" Truth was, in most cases, nothing. Sometimes all it took was someone staying on the phone with me until I didn't feel like using anymore. Obsessions are just thoughts I entertain (take em to bed, wake up with 'em, take 'em to dinner, etc) but they live in my head and tend to die with exposure.
CALL someone!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I dont have a sponsor... I have the book 12 steps and traditions but I get to like chapter 3 and just stop reading it. I been toying with idea of starting back up with it. But what sucks is knowing that its just easy access to me. I been pacing room to room checking on here posting trying to rid my headache and not be a asshole. Keep telling myself day at a time. Why was the first day easy and the second one isnt??
And another thing.. is last night my good friend wanted to use and she was really upset and she texted me. I was giving her advice thru text and stuff of its not the answer that your problems will still be there when you sober up and I made her talk to me... yet I cant follow my own advice. That is my other problem. That and I doubt myself
-- Edited by Boondock_saint85 at 10:57, 2009-01-12
Doubting myself, early on, was actually a GOOD idea! Thinking is not my friend. Think of it like this... I have a disease the dwells in my thinking, in my brain. How can I possibly think my way out of it if the problem is the way I think?
This disease lies to me. I've heard it said that an addict with a good idea is a terrorist! LOL My thoughts terrorize me! That's why the fellowship part of this program is so important. I am emotional about me, I can be objective about you and the reverse is true too. I need to look at other perspectives as mine is often skewed, tainted by diseased thinking and emotional.
I completely understand the being able to give great advice but not apply it to myself. I used to have a bumper sticker that said: TAKE MY ADVICE... I'M NOT USING IT. Cracks me up but it's true.
Sometimes I have to think about my situation like it's someone else's, my best friend's. What would I tell her to do? Then I need to be my own best friend!
It sounds like you have AA literature, no? I strongly recommend getting a basic text from NA.
I don't always have to call my sponsor when I'm thinking about using. I have a phone FULL of numbers. Eventually someone will answer. I just need to call someone in recovery. The addict's ultimate weapon against the disease of addiction is another recovering addict!
Let me ask you this... Has just writing this and "chatting" with me taken away some of the obsession to use?
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Are you going to meetings? That was huge for me. Getting to know people, letting people get to know me!
If the first day was "easy", do what you did yesterday today... Maybe add one more recovery tool... Calling someone IN recovery, reading past chapter 3, journaling, praying to something/anything. Whatever your higher power is knows it's your higher power, even when you don't know it. You will be heard.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Havent been to a meeting ever. Im a bit hesitant about it cuz im auch a shy person who tends to bottle things up. I mean I look around and saw a few but then again I never have the time because I work night shifts at work and when I do have the day off im babysitting my three younger brothers. Well yesterday my fiancee was over and was here til about twelve in afternoon and she doesnt smoke or use. When she left I wanted to use but slept my day away until I had to go to work. Came home late last night joined this board. Yeah it is AA lit. and yes it has helped take away some of the obession to use by just posting and checking up and talking with others about it. At least here I can be honest about it and not be judged. Like I know if I talk to my mom about it she uses it in the end against me. Like when I was first clean for 25 days she kept on me like well if you didnt smoke you wouldnt be up all night. HELLO I havent used in 25 days and then when I was getting shit I said fuck it and started backup. I thought I was the slickest one to pull off smoking for four months straight and no one knowing. But then again you get tangled up in all these lies ya know to cover yor track.... idk im trying to be patient with today
OK hon, first of all, I'm guessing you're pretty young from what I'm reading. This disease can get a lot worse, if you allow it to, before it gets better.
Meetings are a HUGE part of this program. I'm not real likely to okey doke anyone's excuses for not going to meetings... shy, no car, work schedule, etc. I wasn't too shy, it wasn't too touch to travel and I worked around any schedule when I wanted to cop. Nothing barred me from getting dope or using dope. Recovery has to be the same way.
You've got to decide if you've had enough. Has your way worked so far? If not, why are you still trying it? This is a program that requires CHANGE, doing stuff I've never done before, doing stuff I don't particularly want to do. If I waited until I felt like doing the steps, I'd still be on step one. If I waited until I felt like going to a meeting, I might go twice a month. It's not about what I WANT to do or what I feel comfortable doing... It's about what results do I want and how do I get them?
I want to stay clean so I do what addicts who are staying clean do... I go to meetings, I work the steps, I have a sponsor and I use her, I read the literature, I call people. They all work together in my recovery.
{{{hugs}}}
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Thanks Jana. Yeah Im only 23. I have had enough. Im tired of being stuck in the same cycle each and every day day in and day out. I dont wanna be stuck in slow mode and not be able to remember shit later on. Yeah i'll admit its a good run away but its gunna be there still the next day sooo... yeah minus well face it now then it be too late. As far as sponsors go how do I go about choosing one? Do I make that decision at the meetings? I feel like a moron asking all these questions but better to ask than not to... right?
Absolutely, ask questions, and nobody thinks you're a moron for it! Quite the opposite really!
Yes, meetings are the place to find a sponsor. My suggestion is to go to a couple of meetings, if you feel shy, you don't have to share... Just listen. When you hear a guy share who you relate to, who's sharing gives you a feeling of hope, who you get the feeling you can trust, approach him after the meeting. Introduce yourself, tell him you're new and struggling and need help. Ask if he'll sponsor you, if he says no, he can't, it's NOT personal! Ask him if he can maybe introduce you to some guys. Get all those guys' phone numbers and USE THEM! Those of us who've been around a few days LOVE to get calls from newcomers and to be asked to sponsor. It's an HONOR, not a burden, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away!
Using is a dead end, jails, institutions and death. There are no other outcomes. Have you ever met an addict who has retired and is now spending his golden years on a beach in Florida? It doesn't happen. We live miserable lives until we die unless we find a new way to live.
Honey, my life is SO much better without drugs and with recovery. I've learned so much about myself, been able to change some things about me that just don't work for me. Mostly, I've been able to not use for nearly 6 years now. THAT is a miracle for me. I've been through divorce, child custody battle, my father being diagnosed with a brain tumor and then dying, my husband relapsing, loss of jobs, not finding work for months... CLEAN! I wouldn't trade any of it for another day of using.
You CAN do this. It's simple, don't complicate it. It's not easy some days but those are the days that bring the gifts of stength and change!
Keep posting, I'll stay with you. Please get to a meeting!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Thank you Jana that means alot!! Ok so thats good to know about how toget a sponsor. Whew good thing you toldmeits notpersonal cuz then I prob woulda been like uhhh okie this doesnt work. Lol. Sometimes I tend to give up easy other times I dont. This time I want to stick with this. I remember how I used to be and cant believe I lost that over the past few years. I want it back. I dont want to be relient on substance. I dont want to get highly upset anymore because I cant pickup. Yeah that was the worse for me.. if I knew I was out I would panic. There was one time and to admit this is actually quite shameful... one time I couldnt find it tore everything apart searching and I was yelling at my mother to get out that now was not the time. She was so shocked to see me reach that level. She said herself it was as if I was a feign. And because she saw how I was she told me I needed to either stop or slow down. Again my ego said fuck you ill do what I want and didnt stop... instead I snuck it. It took four different times of being sat down by friends and or family to be told I need to stop. When I had my pills and my pot I was always late for work screwing that up to point I was put on probation for work. Not too long ago again pulled in and told I need to stop. (last month actually) I finally admitted I was self destructive and it took up to now to try and stop. Almost two days!!!
Sometimes we're too busy with sponsees, or life, and we know we can't give a newcomer what they need so better to say "no, I can't" than to say yes and then not be able to serve them well. Trust, you'll find the right sponsor at the right time as long as you're willing.
Two days! You've put together two days! That's a miracle... Do you see that? Try to find a meeting tomorrow.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
WOW!! What a great thread! Thanks, Tasha, for posting. I agree with most of what has been posted, especially about asking questions. What did you think, that we were all just born with the knowledge of NA? LOL Every one of us started with ONE day clean, and didn't know sh*t about recovery when we got here. We all had many questions, doubts, confusion and uncertainty. Give yourself a break and just get to a meeting. That's REALLY IMPORTANT!! There you will find answers to many of your questions.
One other suggestion I might add on getting a sponsor is to ask your Higher Power to guide you and lead you to the sponsor he/she/it has for you. In some areas it is strongly suggested that you get a sponsor of the same sex so that you will not be distracted from your recovery. There is a free pamphlet available at NA meetings on sponsorship. Get it and read it. It's also available online along with a lot of other NA literature. You can even read the Basic Text Jana mentioned online. Perhaps another member can furnish you with the correct website for our literature.
Welcome, Tasha, to Narcotics Anonymous. If your want to stop using dope, you are in the right place. Just give yourself a break and keep coming back. Keep coming here until you find the courage to attend a face to face meeting, then come back and tell us what you think. We are here for you, just like someone was there for us. God Bless...
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
i went to my first f2f last week and already with that and this chat room, i have learnt so much on my own recovery. even though i know the road ahead is long and im just at the beginning, i feel so much clearer on whats important and also know that i cant control or change my husbands substance abuse. you WILL FIND STRENGH by going to meetings, so i TOO urge you to get to one asap. goodluck and be strong.
just a bit left of centre here, but my dad passed away from a brain tumour too. i understand how painful that would have been for you. my dad was my hero and to see him fade away to somone who had to wear a nappy was very distressing....
call the AA or NA number in your white pages, which is the local intergroup office. I know more about AA, their office is staffed with recovering AAs and addicts. They can answer all your questions, will talk to you, tell where meeting in your area are. If you live in a metro area, there will be young persons meetings. If you need a ride, someone will take you. We all have been where you are it, and have been afraid to go to that first meeting. When we got there and identified ourselves as a newcomer, we were greeted by very caring individuals who knew exactly how we felt and what we were going through. I knew that I had a problem at 15 years old and was really looking to quit all through my 20's but didn't get into meetings until 27, and clean and sober at 29. But I seriously regret all those years of my youth that I wasted. So many things that I missed out on. So much time that I could've been persuing life and all those things in life that take time, like buying a home, saving for retirement.... I'm playing catch up still now at age 48. We can't do this alone. Get your butt into some meetings and get moving on your recovery. You've got a lot to learn, you're fighting forces that you don't understand. This isn't about will power or fighting at all, it's about acceptance and surrender. Give up the fight, get to some meetings.
Yes, it was horrible watching a once vibrant and witty man waste away. I have to say, that only by virtue of this program was I able to embrace his life and his death (his freedom from the bondage of his illness) and am able to say that I have no regrets where my dad is concerned... Once the person I blamed my entire life on! I miss him terribly!
Boondock, how are YOU this morning? TWO whole days! Miracles happen in this program, sometimes a HP steps in even when we haven't given permission! LOL
I believe in you kiddo! You can do this. You can find a new way to live. If I could do it, you can do it... Of that I am 100% convinced.
Post! Find a meeting today! Love you!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
