my husband smokes his pot on the balcony. he used to do it in the laundery but when we had our second baby i told him that he could no longer do it inside. now he goes out on the balcony when our daughter (7) is either in her room,shower/bath. He closes the curtain a little (just in case). The other day she nearly caught him. I diverted her when she came out of her room. I have been doing this for a long time now. He is becoming braver and taking more risks. Obviously his addiction is becoming stronger. Even though he was nearly caught, shortly after, he went to the balcony again. I have aksed him what he will say to her when she does find out. he just shrugs his shoulders. of course he has no answer. Our daughter is highly emotional an intelligent and will not take this well. Do i stop trying to hide what he is doing? Arent I just helping him with his addiction. Or do I try to make her catch him?? I havent in the past because i think that im protecting her? Am I???
Honestly, while I have no personal opinion to share on drugs, in general or regarding specific drugs, other than they didn't work for me at some point, unless pot is legal where you live, he is breaking the law and just by virtue of that fact, I would not want my 7 year old child exposed to this illegal activity in our home.
This IS my personal opinion, and because this is a message board and not a meeting, I will share it... I don't think using your daughter in an capacity with respect to this situation is a good idea... Allowing him to continue an illegal activity while trying to hide it from her or "trying to make her catch him". Both are manipulative and extremely unfair to an innocent little kid.
What I would do is be a parent. There would be no negotiation for me on this subject with my husband. "We do NOT engage in illegal drug activity in this home, where our child lives, period". I would not be open to discussion on the issue.
Should he decide to take his using up somewhere outside the house, that's his business and any consequences of doing so rest squarely on his shoulders.
To answer your questions, again with my OPINIONS (and they're like elbows, we've all got a couple), yes, I think to continue to allow him to "sneak" drug use while hiding it from your daughter is enabling him to continue what he is doing and, honestly, irresponsible parenting on both parents' parts. I also think, as I said, using her as a pawn, manipulating the situation so she finds herself in a very uncomfortable position, is trying to exert control through another person.
I hope you can find the strength to say to him that it is no longer acceptable, nor will it be tolerated... Indulging in illegal drug use in a home where a child lives.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Great response, Jana. I agree with your "opinion." The childs welfare should always be the most important consideration in ANY set of circumstances. Well spoken...
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I more or less agree with Jana, with exception to the absolute tone of it. Obviously fat has been in this relationship to her husband, who presumably, has been smoking pot since they met. In this situation, she knew what she was getting into and now trying to change that person, even though the circumstances have changed dramatically, with the children arriving to the scene. That adds to complexiety of the matter in a number of ways especially with a new born and the obviously vulnerable position that's puts the mother of this newborn in. She can't afford to issue and ultimatum and leave so she has a couple choices. To let it go for awhile until she can deal with it from a position of strength (physically and financially) and/or carefully negotiate with him, trying to win him over to the idea that he needs to not smoke in or around the house. This is tricky because (speaking from experience here, I was in the same situation with drinking) when you push the addict out of the house to go and use somewhere else, then you might wind up with a totally absentee father/parent as they find some other place to hang out and enjoy their drug. It's not going to be a bar stool, it's going to be at someone else's home.
Suggestion, Isn't there a park of some woods nearby? I mean with the potency of pot these days, we're only talking about smoking half a joint. I think that everyone needs to look at the glass half full here.
Thanks, Dean. Your calm voice of experience rings clear. Addiction is a disease of extremes and I still make mountains out of molehills and want to use a bazooka to kill a house fly.... Thanks for your steady, reasoned thoughts and solutions.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
thankyou thankyou...even though i found your words confronting, they were also honest and a wake up call for me. in a couple of days i am taking my children for a 6 day holiday without my husband. i am going to gently tell him that while we are away he needs to think about his addiction and our family and whats important. i will also let him know that i no longer accept him smoking pot in or around the home and he needs to make some decisions. give me strength...
i thank you too. i agree that jana was tough on me, which i probably needed but i also just wanted to jump through the computer to hug you for your compassion to my situation. you nailed it on the head. we have been together a long time and he has always smoked. with the arrival of our two kids the situation has changed. so have i. so even though i will be making changes even if they are baby steps. i will do them, as i am finding strength in my f2f meetings and this chat room. keep a look out for me and if ever you have anything to say..id love to hear from you yesterday i felt gratitue because i had a beautiful day with friends and my children at the beach today i feel gratitude because of youxx
anthony g she is going into 2nd grade. i often wonder if she can smell it and if so,wonders what it is. because i can smell it. on him and in the air..thanks
Awww hell, now I feel bad for being rough on you! {{{{hugs}}}}
I just don't play with this disease... It's deadly and I believe it will kill it's victims, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly and victims aren't just those who actually ingest drugs... Now, don't misunderstand me... I'm not saying your husband's addiction will kill your daughter or anything of the kind. I just don't sugarcoat the things addiction makes us do. We are not responsible for having the disease of addiction but we are responsible for our recovery!
I don't know if your husband is an addict... That is a decision each person make for him/herself. What I'm hearing from you is that he is practicing some behaviors that put you and your daughter at risk. For me, that's unacceptable. I nearly lost my children because of my addiction. My ex husband fought me hard on custody and I had to stay clean, prove I was clean and change the way I was living in order to have my children in my life... By the grace of God and this program, I have 50/50 custody, shared with that ex who now respects me and my parenting and my recovery. It took that for me to come to terms with the fact that I was an addict and that my addiction was running my life off into a ditch and was going to do the same to my childrens' lives, leaving them without a present mother, if I didn't do something about my problem.
I suggest this to anyone who deals with a family member that may be suffering from the disease of addiction... NAR ANON! I ended up remarrying a recovering addict who struggles with staying clean. NarAnon/AlAnon have saved my sanity. I know, today, that I'll be OK no matter what decisions he makes. I've learned to stay unaffected by his disease. I hope you will consider that for yourself.
Finally, just for me, my home MUST be a safe place for myself and my children. When my husband has used he has gone away to do it. This does NOT excuse his behavior at all but it is the only reason I've given him chances... Well, that and the fact that he keeps coming back and keeps trying to stay clean. My home is my sanctuary, it's drug free, and I INSIST on that. I've also come to realize that I've been loving my spouse to death by allowing him to go use and then come home. He had a relapse right after Christmas. I changed the locks and put him out. He stayed clean since then, was just allowed home yesterday, and knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is his last shot to stay clean and live with us. If he uses again, I'm out, done, completely. I cannot take the risk with my own disease or my children's emotional/financial security.
I tell you this to let you know that I know how hard it is to draw firm lines with addicts we love. My boundaries have been crossed more often than I'd like to admit. For me, when the pain of what I'm doing gets great enough, more compelling than the fear of doing something different, I do something different. HUGS!!!
-- Edited by JanaM40503 at 09:54, 2009-01-12
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
thanks fat, [[hugs]]] to you too. If you can approach your husband with love and understanding, he will listen. I can't guarantee you more than that, but if you talk to him confrontationally {word?} and perhaps shamefully, and he doesn't listen, you've still got nothing.
Us addicts started doing drugs because we felt that we are not loved (presumably by our parents). We bonded with the people we met way back then because they came from similar backrounds (for me it was kids from broken homes, which is pretty common). When we first started experimenting with drinking and drugs together, we got that warm and fuzzy feeling that reminded of the love that we thought that we where missing or had lost. We didn't realize that at the time. Then we bonded to those feelings, the substances that made feel that way, and they became our crutch. Remember that when talking to your husband. He needs your love and you (and your children) need his. Write him a letter with just that in it and see what happens. Tell him that you miss him
I remember when my son (only child) was born. My wife changed dramatically and I didn't seem to know her anymore. It's like she grew up all the sudden and I didn't. Pretty ironic since I was 6 years older than her. And as with all mothers of new borns and small children, 99% of her attention went to the baby. I felt very abandoned. I was resentful and sometimes angry. I loved my son but I disliked that attention that he took away from me. Funny I've never expressed it like this before, but it's true and I don't think that my experience is unique. So fat, keep that in mind too. He's probably feeling like he's not part of "the club" right now. You might encourage him to about his feelings and what it is that he wants (besides his smoking priveleges).
I think approaching him in a loving, kind and compassionate manner is a wonderful idea. Nobody responds well to attacks. This is true. That said, and this is just for me, smoking weed in our home with our 7 year old daughter would not be negotiable.
Hugs and more hugs!!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I think approaching him in a loving, kind and compassionate manner is a wonderful idea. Nobody responds well to attacks. This is true. That said, and this is just for me, smoking weed in our home with our 7 year old daughter would not be negotiable.
Hugs and more hugs!!
I agree, but the op said that he's smoking on the balcony, so technically he's not "smoking in the home" just saying
