First of all, I know that my son has used marijuana in the past. I was in his room today on is computer and found in his google history all these questions on where to find pain pills, DXM and how much to use to make you high. Where to find drug kits, etc. I know I have to confront him about this and will. I know he will deny all this and make up some kind of story. Where do I start and how do I start? He is 20 years old and I have 2 younger children in the household also. I love my son but I don't want to love him to death. Please, can someone show me the right direction on how to talk to him? I would appreciate any help. Thanks bunches. Bobbie
You need to show him the door. He's enjoying the luxury of a roof over his head with apparently no responsibility. I'm assuming a lot here and I apologize. One of the biggest problems or obstacles to sobriety are enablers. These would be people that make it easier to maintain a lifestyle that includes spending a good deal of time and money using mood altering substances. They seek these substances because of deeply rooted psychological issues that involve low self esteem and self worth (shame, guilt, feelings of inadequacy). The substance abuse is merely a symptom and you can't treat a symptom. With that said, the person, who is to recover, will have to want to make changes and work for it. Unfortunately, because the substances used work very well in regards to mood altering and stress removal, the person gets dependent on them and the dependency manifests itself as a pathological relationship (love to/have to) or overwhelming desire to use the substances. It takes some major distractions or events, such as losses that cause pain and suffering, for the user to stop and think that they need to make a change. Like, perhaps an ultimatum that they will have to go to counseling and do what a counselor recommends (for say a period of a year) or they move out immediately. A good course would include stipulations to work full time (or go to school) and pay rent, do chores, get involved with healthy extracurricular activities, exercise... to fill in time and have a well balanced life (read getting a life) while they learn to live life on life's terms. Or go out into the cold cruel world and "do it your way". One thing is for sure. You cannot make a person do anything, including to quit using drugs. If he is on his way, with using, it may have to run it's course with the school of hard knocks. But right now he's presumably living in a dream world of no responsibilities for his actions, which is a great place to grow an addiction.
Thank you DeanC for your input. You know, that is a tough thing for a mom to do, but I know it needs done. He lost his job about a month ago, due to this economy, so I'm told. I need to take off my blinders here, I think. He has this girlfriend that he spends an awful lot of time with and he used to live there with her until they were in this huge fight and she beat him up. Crazy, isn't it? I think you hit it on the head when you said low self esteem. I don't know DeanC, hes coming home today (suppose to) so I'lltalk to him.
I hope somehow that you can encourage him to nip this in the bud before it gets to be insurmountable. Is his dad available to talk to him, would that help? He needs a plan to move forward with his life, dreams, goals and a path toward fulfilling them. It's easy to say, I know but nothing good happens when people start to take drugs. Anyone here can tell you that. Good luck and be tough.
Thanks Dean, We're having a talk this evening. Yes his dad is available to talk to him. I will let you all know the outcome of this conversation, because I'm sure I will need more advice. Thanks guys....You're awesome! Bobbie
I really don't know how to say our talk went. Of course, at first, he tried real hard to deny the accusations. But after a little while he buckled. He cried, which made my heart break, but I didn't buckle. We gave him a choice ...1. To stay here, get help, get a job, enlist in the service, no contacts with this girlfriend that is very active in using. 2. Go back where he just came from and no contacts with his family unless it is to get help. He didn't hesitate or even think...he immediately said #1. I asked him if I checked his room if I would find anything. He says there isn't anything. LIE! I found a bag full of different types of pills...empty cough syrup bottle, lyrica, other pain medication, benadryl, pipe. I did show him what I found and he denied they were his. Said they were his girlfriends. Hmmm. I'm worried, real scared.
You know hes 20 years old. Is it okay to remove his cell, so there are no contacts? Is there anything else I should do besides follow through with all I said? Only you guys, that have been through this, I trust and believe. Who would know better than you! I don't want to be naive and fall for his bull shit. A part of me wants to believe him, the other part doesn't. I know they say, when an addict opens his mouth he's lying. This is tough!
I might also suggest finding a Nar-Anon group for yourself. At the end of the day (and I'm a recovering addict who also deals with a relapsing addict in my world), I have to be OK even if the using addict is not.
Co-dependence is, in short, addiction to another person and many people who suffer from co-dependence end up with addicts in their lives... Go figure! LOL I had to accept my powerlessness over that person, stop trying to fix them, manage them and control them and learn how to take care of me instead of caretaking them. NarAnon is really helpful in that area!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I really don't know how to say our talk went. Of course, at first, he tried real hard to deny the accusations. But after a little while he buckled. He cried, which made my heart break, but I didn't buckle. We gave him a choice ...1. To stay here, get help, get a job, enlist in the service, no contacts with this girlfriend that is very active in using. 2. Go back where he just came from and no contacts with his family unless it is to get help. He didn't hesitate or even think...he immediately said #1. I asked him if I checked his room if I would find anything. He says there isn't anything. LIE! I found a bag full of different types of pills...empty cough syrup bottle, lyrica, other pain medication, benadryl, pipe. I did show him what I found and he denied they were his. Said they were his girlfriends. Hmmm. I'm worried, real scared.
You know hes 20 years old. Is it okay to remove his cell, so there are no contacts? Is there anything else I should do besides follow through with all I said? Only you guys, that have been through this, I trust and believe. Who would know better than you! I don't want to be naive and fall for his bull shit. A part of me wants to believe him, the other part doesn't. I know they say, when an addict opens his mouth he's lying. This is tough!
Thanks so much for any advice
What I'm hearing here is an attempt to control him, manage him. It's not possible. Take his cell phone... He'll get another or borrow one. An addict who wants to use, will use. What the co dependent has to do is learn to LET GO and allow natural consequences run their course in the using addicts life. I can't stress NarAnon (or Al Anon if there is no NarAnon near you) enough for YOU!!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
HI Bobbie, thanks for your posts. I just wanted to say that you have been given some great info here and some wonderful suggestions. But I also wanted to remind you that we are not professionals. I believe everyone here is well meaning and that no one would deliberately mislead you, BUT, the fact remains that we aren't counselors and can only share our own experiences, hoping to help you avoid some of our mistakes. Our literature speaks of the dangers of "information from mis-informed people." I reiterate that this is a wonderful place to get support, encouragement, and suggestions, but is no substitue for guidance from a qualified professional. Please seek the services of one. I sincerely hope no one here is offended by my comments, that's not my intent and I'm not referring to any one persons posts. Just asking for a bit of caution in a potentially dangerous situation. Best of luck to you and your son.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Dan makes a very good point. Any 12 step program is just a group of people, suffering the same malady, trying to help each other recover. For me, it has been a life changing process that I'm still in.
Nar Anon and Al Anon are 12 step programs as well. You may be able to find the support you need from more experienced members in learning how to cope with this issue in your life... Much like we use each other and help each other to stay clean.
Perhaps your son will find his way to us!
Godspeed!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I want to thank each and everyone of you for your input and I know that you all would never mislead me. I told my son to seek counseling and he said he would. Right now we are in the process of applying for medical assistance, because being 20 he isn't covered under our insruance. Once that is approved he is making an appointment with care, and we'll go from there. I so much appreciate the guidance that you guys gave me. I'm sure I'm not through by all means with this situation so I'll probably being posting now and then.
Thank you all again and God bless all of you! Bobbie
Just so you and your son are aware Bobbie... NA meetings are open to any addict seeking recovery, they are free, and he can find a meeting in your area by going to www.na.org and clicking on the meeting search link.
God bless you sweetie. It is never easy to live with a using addict and particulary when it's someone you love so much. The "hands off" approach is appropriate but oh so very hard!
Here is nar-anon's site: http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Thank you JanaM40503...you and the others are truly amazing to me! I know it won't be easy. Thank you for the website too. I will try to point him in this direction. And I will def go to the nar-anon's site. Thanks again!!!!!
Hugs, big hugs, to you Bobbie. It's not easy, not even a little bit! Please keep us posted! You've been on my mind.
I'm a helpline volunteer in my area and I get far more calls from family members than I do from addicts. The suggestions I've made to you are exactly what I tell those Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers and children.
Sadly, sometimes the family member has to hit a "bottom" too.
You have my prayers, my good thoughts and best wishes!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I will keep you posted, I promise. I know it won't be easy and it's not. He asked me last night..."Do I look better?" I told him he did look better. He said, "Because I really feel better." I'm not giving in at all. I don't know why he is saying this...maybe he does feel better, I don't know. Or is he telling me this stuff so I'll forget about the counseling... you know? Today we go into to get his medical card. By the way, he doesn't have a license right now for a DUI he got last June. I know right now he feels worthless, because he lost his license, laid off from his job, kinda stuck here at home. We try to include him in everything, of course, like taking his younger brothers to basketball practice, playing family games at home, which he does participate in those. I'm sure this lifestyle here is very boring for him. He needs to get involved in meetings, some activities...or something. I'm sure his frustrated. I will, however, keep you posted. Thank you so much for caring and the big hugs :) .... Bobbie
He would benefit greatly from going to a lot of young peoples AA meetings. If you're in or near a good sized city then there should be a bunch of meetings listed on the internet or you can call the AA phone number in your white pages, to the local intergroup office that will answer a lot of questions and will get some younger people to take him to meetings. This is considered service work for them and is a need activity (a privilege). He may even feel comfortable in Ala-teen meetings, it's worth a shot. There's a ton of positive energy in those young people's meetings and they have a lot of fun with activities, dancing, bowling all kinds of stuff. He needs to figure out/learn that he can have a lot of fun without substances. That's his biggest challenge.
As a mother myself, I would like to give you a hug. You took a huge step towards getting help not only for your son but for you. I am also recovering in N.A. It was my mother who helped get me in the "rooms" to meetings and get clean about 20yrs ago. She and my sister took me to dinner in Chinatown. By the end of the meal, they both said they were heading up to Gracie Square hospital to make a Naranon meeting and if I would like to go and try an N.A. meeting they would be happy to drive me. Needless to say, I felt put on the spot. But they both said what I did was not going to stop them from going to their meeting to help them deal with my addiction. I did go that night. My mother also got to her meeting and it was a big deal for her to announce that her daughter (who qualified her to be in Naranon) was at her first NA meeting. The point is dear one; it might be a good thing for you to consider for your own piece of mind and to get help and support from other parents, siblings, friends, etc who are going through what you are going through. You are right when you said there is a lot more that will come to be. You got that right. There are yets you haven't even thought of. True that your son being willing so easily was a gift but now he has to stay clean. I read some wonderful suggestions that others' shared with you as well as suggesting professional help and a support group for you and your husband. There is literature offered at these meetings which might help you. Just as we are suggested to meet other people, get phone numbers and begin to stay around people who are also recovering, it would be a gift for you to speak to other women going through what you're going through.
In trying to find the right therapist, you may want to find out a little about them. You can check their bios out on the internet, you could ask others in your community or some are specifically qualified in dealing with addiction and other related topics.
Thank you so much for sharing and you and your family will be in my prayers!
Thank you nycountrygirl so much for you prayers and thoughtfulness. My son started his community service and care counseling. I also have been getting some insight on this. He is going to join the Navy in June and is very excited about getting away from his people, places, and things. So, I'm so very proud of him for making the right decision. Thanks you again for caring.... God bless you!
Bobbie, the Navy is not necessarily the answer. Geographical cures don't often work. Hence the saying "wherever you go, there you are". He can find others to replace his local friends anywhere. In fact the military has historically been a great place for alcoholics and addicts to hide (much like the construction industry). Anthony can probably shed some light on this. My father was in the Navy for 28 years and was a severe alcoholic, while maintaining his career as an Officer.
Yes, Dean, I know that, but this is his decision and I told him this, plus he is reading all of this forum. So, I'm glad you said this. Sometimes parents can give advice and the child looks at it as we're being over-protective, or whatever reason. Now he can read this and hear it from an outsider. I think that is so important, especially people that have experienced it. My brother, also joined the army and is now in recovery for 17 years. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. His sober birthday is May 1st. So, he also has alot of input for Chris (my son). Thanks again Dean, for mentioning this. I will let Chris read this.
