Ill try to quickly give some history, On Dec 18th 1976 I was a sophomore in highschool in Hawaii. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. As usual I was in the park across from the school getting high. We decided to go score some beer or wine 18 was legal age at that time. And two car loads of us took off. Long story short there was an accident. Minutes later I stood in the middle of the road looking at the dead bodies of two of best friends the third I couldn't find. I was 15 years old, high and scared shitless. I did the only thing I could think to do. I ran and ran and ran. I continued running for the rest of my life. Im tired .
Fast forward to Dec. 25th 2008 . My sons best friend was in an accident while following my son. He has been in a coma since. My son turned around and went back to his friend . He did not run. He sat with his friend for 20 minutes until the helicopter came. As a father I have never been prouder of his actions.
Now my problem..That night when I got the call I was able to get straight out of bed and rush to the hospital and support not only my son but the family of the boy hurt. For this my gratitude towards NA and my HP can never be repayed. Theres no way I could have done that without being clean. But I am finding myself isolating badly. I wont share on it. I wont call my sponsor. Im not telling anyone and I dont know why . My emotions are all over the board. Im miserable and cannot figure it out..I cant process all the feelings im going through. I feel Im still running.
I need help. Thanks
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
That was really something your boy staying with his friend so be proud of that Anthony but your situation was different his friend was alive your friends died there was nothing you could probably have done for any of them and the other one you were unable to find and you did the best you could at that moment in your life .
I got into a bad wreck once with 2 other guys I was ejected from the front seat out the wind shield, the car flipped right over the top of me missing me, how do I know that? a police officer was chasing us and watched us wreck. The car landed up on end in my next door neighbors front door trapping the driver by his hand smashing it and my other friend in the back seat had his shoulder nearly ripped off, I woke up after being unconsciouce for several minutes dazed and confused and scared shatless and possibly bleeding internally but I was fine only thing that happened to me was some windshield glass in my arm, that was it.
I think you may be feeling terrible guilt ? if so go back to that time and look at that boy 15 years old high and scared and the traumatic thing he saw I would have ran too Bruther.
This is a time for healing Anthony time to heal from all the guilt time to pardon yourself from any wrong doing real or not , time to not look for an excuse to feel bad but a time to build yourself esteem back up, you have to stay clean not matter how bad you feel thats the important thing or else your never going to recover.
Our secrets keep us sick and I think maybe your shame is keeping you sick, get your ass to a meeting or at the least share this with your sponsor its good to start here you don't have to face any of us but this is going to give you courage by facing another person looking them in the eye and telling them how you feel about this situation you went through.
I can tell you this I shared some things about myself with several sponsors because I knew if I didn't i would never be able to recover amd honestly face myself, the shame I was caring was so deep and so painful, once I did share those things my reocvery began to happen, it was slow getting to where i am today but it was the things I did along the way the risks I took that brought me out of the dark and into the light so to speak, time to come into the light Anthony , share it with someone do an inventory and detail each feeling your having, and do it soon.
You're going to be ok because you're caring and loving today. What a gift that you were given this opportunity to make a living amends. Not that this tragic accident is a gift; but God has an uncanny way of turning obstacles into potential miracles. Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a father.
