Hi all I relapsed last night. I am not sure if I really want to continue to do this program. I am afraid of calling my sponsor and did call a few other addicts and they said they loved me and will be waiting on me when I decide to come back. I just feel like I am not done using yet. I have been feeling like a part of me wants recovery and the other part doesn't want the recovery part. I am so unsure of myself right now. I feel like crap, I am confused and unsure of myself and more fearful of what sponsor may or may not say to me soon.
keep coming back true akita, don't give up no matter what. I have had multiple relapses too, over almost 5 years in NA, a few times after staying clean for 6-7 months. Have felt hopeless and depressed after each of my relapse. One thing I kept doing, whether I was clean or was using, was to keep making the meetings, and to be honest with where I stand with at least 1 or 2 members in the fellowship. No one told me to stop using. They were just happy when I would turn up a day clean at a meeting. It gave me a lot of hope, just to stay in touch with the big miracle of many clean addicts... all through that struggle, I knew one thing for sure - as long as I keep coming back, one day or the other, I would learn to stay stopped eventually. And it did happen, as it has for hundreds and thousands of us in NA... We do recover!
Thank you for sharing with us True Akita, I appreciate your courage and honesty, big NA Hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
that's your disease talking plain and simple. Of course your disease doesn't want you to continue to work the program, your disease wants to kill you. listen to the little voice that says "help me". you shouldn't be afraid of what your sponsor has to say. that really sounds like an excuse to say **** it. what part of the first step isn't working for you. how did you relapse?
how long has it been since you've been to a meeting and/or actively socializing with successfuly recovering people? what part of your program is missing or do you think needs work? these are the kinds of conversations that one should be having instead of "do I want to keep doing this"?
It took me 2 whole years of going to meetings and relapsing before I finally got it. During that 24 months, the most clean time that I got was 2 months. When I got serious about recovery, I went to meetings Every Day for 3.5 years and did all of the things that I heard successfully recoverying addicts and alcoholics did to get clean and sober.
It honestly takes a few years of continuous clean time to "build a sober identity" and feel comfortable with it. Sure it's one day at a time, but my head didn't stop spinning till i had about 3 years. And I didn't feel like I had matured to a point of normal 21 year old till I had about 10 years.
I just trying say that I had no business trying to make desisions about my recovery at any time under 5 years. I just took the suggestions that my sponser gave me and did them. I hope that you get a good night sleep tonight and have a change of heart in the morning.
how long has it been since you've been to a meeting and/or actively socializing with successfuly recovering people? I was at a meeting last night and had no thought of using during that 1 hour frame. I came home for maybe 1.5 hours and used within that time frame.
what needs improvements are my meetings, doing simple service work I guess.
How did I relapse well had some tussinex 3/4 full finished the bottle off, then I went and took 2 tramadols and then to stop all of this crazy itching I had took 3 benadryls. I haven't slept for a while I am just some what groggy but not really tired at all. Just zoned out you know.
I just feel so damn stupid for doing this crazy shit I did. My sponsor told me to call her when I make a decision of what I want to do. I don't know what I really want right now. She was disappointed in me I could hear it in her voice totally when I did finally call her back. I am a rotten piece of shit had been acting out on it recently she knew I was in relapse mode well before I did. I am so hard headed and stubborn with myself. I don't want another white chip again right now. Maybe in the future I will, but if I do it she will want me to pick a white chip up sooner than I want to.
It is people like you that make me realize that recovery is possible. But not feeling it right now like I have more runs in me but damn when will I get tired of this shit???
I am also sorry to hear this Shannon, please read the chapter 7 pages 74-83 and get a better understanding of whats happening to you this is VERY IMPORTANT to read and re read and do it today please.
We love you Shannon and want to see you happy with being clean I am happy being clean 99.9 percent of my days now it takes time getting used to it it takes courage and strength that takes time, time take time and it takes a continued DESIRE to stay clean on a daily hourly and by minute basis sometimes, and the reservations have to be gone that you can successfuly use anymore, that takes time too.
This is a journey for many of us some of us die along that way some of us recover . Remember the compulsion and obsession to use IS THE DISEASE AND ADDICTION working on you THATS when you get help and YOU have to make the effort because you have to have the desire to stay clean.
IT's not easy believe me I know I too was a chronic relapser and asked the same questions your asking now, when will I get it when will I be done ? why can't I stay clean ?
Theres a recipe and that recipe has to all come together just right thats my belief and then still its a hard thing to do.
I will be hoping and praying you put it all down and just come back its for you to decided not us, we love you here and want the best for you so try harder be more vigilant in your program do not beat hyourself u0p for this find the positive in this and pull your boots straps up and get serious about your recovery, no excuses .
Hey Shannon, I wasn't trying to be hard on you. You know it takes what it takes. Don't feel bad, just keep moving forward. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need the program. And if your sponsor is disappointed, the she isn't doing it right. Your program is no reflection on her. She just needs to be there for you. As far as white chips go, I've got a jar full of them, but I've also got a jar full of other chips as well. It took all of them to get to where I'm at. It's a journey not a destination. We never really get there, we just learn to love each day as it comes. Tomorrow will be another day. So enjoy it like today never happened and the next day doesn't matter.
btw, you might want to throw out all that stuff that you've got in your medicine cabinet.
A guy from my homegroup that I am supposed to be chairing tonight called me. He is telling me to come to a meeting now. I am like I really just fucking don't know what to do. I am here not wanting to go. He is convincing me to go I care about him a lot more than I can think.
that's clearly the Higher Power calling... you just need to stretch your hand and let your Higher Power take it... even today, when I feel I do not have to or can't go to a NA meeting, that's when I go because that's when I usually find that I need a meeting the most...
There's nothing bad or shameful about a relapse, as an addict, every one of us is subject to it, just like a cancer patient or a diabetic is subject to a relapse. We do stumble and fall at times, even in our recovery. That's ok. Please stop whipping yourself about it, my disease always wants me to get trapped in feelings of unnecessary guilt and shame so that I remain in its control...
What's not ok for me is when I refuse to get up, stand up, and start walking again. Keep sharing with us, take the help that comes your way, allow yourself to get better, make meetings, as many as possible... postpone your using thoughts, put in on hold for one-hour at a time, read the chapter "Recovery and Relapse" as BigV suggested. I did this all after my last relapse. I remember my head would always want me to continue using, give up on the program, feel miserable and hopeless so that I get a permission to pick up more and use more... my Sponsor used to tell me back then that just because my head says so doesn't mean I must listen to it and do as it says... I have a choice there... that made a lot of sense to me back then...
prayers and fellowship hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
My sponsor doesn't even care how about that one? I went to hugs for the holidays and she walked into the meeting area looked around saw me and walked right back out. She didn't even come and talk or nothing to me. I feel as if I have no one but these 2 guys in the room that will talk to me or even aknowledge me. My network won't even talk or pick up their phones. I don't think the fellowhip is worth anything in my area. I am so unsure of this program right now. I don't know what to do next. the one lady that will talk to me she will not sponsor anyone. I am so damn hard to sponsor that is what it is.
Hey sweetie! I'm new to post but I've been reading these message boards for awhile. Over the last few months I've read some awesome things from you and I just want you to know that you have helped my recovery so thank you It sounds like you may be in a small town? I'm sure that's tough. I'm sorry to hear you so down and I wish I could give you a big hug. Pray. You are an important peice of this world just like anyone else and if your sponsor is incapable of non-judgement and unconditional love than that is her/ his issue. Try and pray and I'll pray too;)
Wow, hard to believe that a city like Charlotte would be lacking in NA meetings and fellowship. I travel there a lot, but have not been to an NA meeting there. If you really feel that way about the fellowship in your area, I would strongly suggest going to some (a lot) AA meetings. Most AAs have had drug addictions also. It's what keep me from getting sober. I'd put down the drink and then pick up a drug. But AA is where I spent most of my time. In the first 3 years, I went to like 1 NA meeting a week and 6-9 AA meetings a week. The key for this recovering AA/NA/ACOA... was to get to meetings every single day and not pick up no matter what happened. I didn't miss a meeting for 3.5 years. There is no substitute for frequency of meetings, and engaging in the fellowship. You have the opportunity to beat the odds here, instead of being another statistic. Put your bullheadedness and stubborness to good use and refuse to cave to your addiction. You can do it, I know that you can.
Man, I feel the love from you guys more than in the city where I am at. My sponsor dumped me, She said her heart isn't into it any longer with me. That I knew I could have called, but the thing is I called and she didn't pick the damn phone up then I texted her and she did call back but by then I had already done it. What was she going to do then? I have a guy in the fellowship right now I am leaning on so hard with. I have so much pain right now, but I haven't picked up. I feel like I get more support from the men than I do from the women in the fellowship. I trusted someone with my shit and now it's gone and done. Man I don't trust easily at all. For me to allow someone into my little world is a lot. I am putting walls, blockades up and everything no one is getting inside me again to hurt me this time around. I am putting 15 brick walls up this time. I refuse to let anyone in now. All I can do right now is cry I feel like shit right now.
Shanon, try not think so much. remember that "feelings are not facts". your mind is terrible place to play, you're better off running across the interstate blindfolded than to listen to what the committe in your head has to say. we are not the voices in our heads, we are the poor s.o.b.s that have to listen to them. try and get to a meeting a day, you'll feel better. later you can look back and see what pushed your buttons. right now you have to believe that "there are no big deals" except not picking up no matter what.
Yeah on what Dean says you mind is going to scroo you good right now and thats addiction and disease talking inside that head, try to stop feeling bd and resentful and start trying to feel good about you and the one way you can do that is get the hell out of that head and start back to meetings and focus on the message of recovery put all the other BS aside and focus on getting on your feet again.
Get down on them knees this is a tough time for you and you need all the help and support you can get so prayer is important, be honest with your God, dump it all out on him/her/it and get it out, I feel my higher power wants me to be most honest with him and then to myself and then to others kind like steps to a stoop 3 steps up and your on solid ground
Stay with us Shannon, we need you Fellowship hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I hope you keep coming back Shannon. I'd like to be friends:) My friend just relapsed on Oxys which inevitably led her back to meth. She still thinks only the meth is the problem and if she can just stop using that.....You know the drill. If nothing else be grateful for the awareness. You definitly have that.
i can't count the times i have re;lapsed and no one but you can do this for you if you really want it you will get it we do care and worry over other addicts because we are almost always all we have so suck it up get to a face to face meet call your sponsor and get on with it or you know what else the disiese has in store for you so please come in to the rooms and we will work it together i will definately be praying for you and all the other peeps out there that are struggleing right now
-- Edited by rocky at 23:35, 2009-01-02
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
Calling a sponsor that is really making me laugh right now. I don't have a sponsor she fired me a few nights ago. I am sitting here just thinking about some stuff. I am having a real trust issue with women right now. I am leaning more on the men for their recovery and their help right now than anyone elses. I am just struggling with this thing day to day each and every day.
Dear dear Shannon, Stand up for your rights. My recovery has been difficult,,to say the least,, and many times it was due to lack of good sponsors or misunderstandings with them. I have a right to let go and move on and find a new sponsor. ive done that many times in my recoverybut somewhere along the line I learnt to stay humble and also consider whether it was me making things difficult. All said and done sponsorship is a two way street and like many other addicts I had to keep experimentng till I got it right. thankful I am blessed with a fab sponsor,,many recovering friends and family and most of all a Force that cares for me and keeps me clean and serene each day and nite. Hugs and keep coming back. Remember that whe the goin gets tough the tough get going !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
you have earned your chair, dont let anyone take it away..u deserve recovery and all the gifts of recovery...here is my favorite prayer..."God help me, im fucked"
I just talked to my pastor who by the Grace of God has been called to be an interim pastor for a while. he has his degree in addiction counseling. He told me that no matter what I am feeling about the fellowship to continue going, and he said also I want to know if you want my help. I told him yes. He said the only way I am going to meet with you is like this is if you make 30 days of meetings in a row right now. He said if you tell me you relapsed I am going to move our appointment to a different date. I am more than determined with some meeting makers to make it through these next thirty days and to learn to not live in the guilt, but to move past it and learn to go beyond it. I was complacent in my recovery here recently I wasn't making regular meetings every day. I am going to find me some meeting makers and hang with them and get through this next 30 days of meetings. I am committing this to me. I need all of your help that I can get right now. I need for each of you to sit there and write me and say hey how many meetings you making today? Or ask You get to how many meetings this week. If it is less than 7 yell scream stomp on me do what ever you have to.. Knock the sense into my ass right now.
Wow, hard to believe that a city like Charlotte would be lacking in NA meetings and fellowship. I travel there a lot, but have not been to an NA meeting there. If you really feel that way about the fellowship in your area, I would strongly suggest going to some (a lot) of AA meetings. Most AAs have had drug addictions also. It's what kepy me from getting sober. I'd put down the drink and then pick up a drug. But AA is where I spent most of my time. In the first 3 years, I went to like 1 NA meeting a week and 6-9 AA meetings a week. The key for this recovering AA/NA/ACOA... was to get to meetings every single day and not pick up no matter what happened. I didn't miss a meeting for 3.5 years. There is no substitute for frequency of meetings, and engaging in the fellowship. You have the opportunity to beat the odds here, instead of being another statistic. Put your bullheadedness and stubborness to good use and refuse to cave to your addiction. You can do it, I know that you can.
Shanon, I'm glad that you're reinvigorated with recovery. Try and make it fun. Look for new meetings every week (besides your regulars and home group). Find a step meeting to attend every week. Find a women's meeting to make a regular meeting out of. Find a morning meeting to go to a couple times a week, even if only on weekends. Find a noon meeting to go to a couple times a week. Find an institutional meeting (rehab or jail) to go to. Find a meeting that you can ride a bicycle to (on a nice day). Find a 5:30 meeting (commuters group) to go to. Find a AA club that has activities on friday and saturday nights (dances, open mic night, pot luck dinners, midnight meetings...). Take a service job at a regular meeting or homegroup, like making coffee or seting up. I had 2 step meetings a week, 2 homegroups, 1 men's meeting, 1 speakers meeting, a morning, a nooner, a regular 5:30pm... loved every minute of it. I antisipated seeing the regulars in those meetings and the looked for me. If I didn't show, someone would call to see why.
Dean the guy I am hanging with from the fellowship is like that he just goes to a different meeting every chance he gets to go to. I am like that is awesome so that is what I am going to start doing. I am going to a 2:15 and a 7 am and maybe if I feel like the 8 pm meeting I like up in my area!
awesome Shanon. It's always "time for a meeting". I got sober in a club in the DC area. It was like one big home group. While I really enjoyed going to a lot of different meetings and places, what was nice about a club was that if I was feeling brain dead (or my ass was falling off), I didn't have to look at the calendar of meeting schedule, I'd just head to the club where meetings were pretty much continuous. And even if it was a couple hours before a meeting would start, there would be people that I knew, hanging around to have a mini meeting.
It was the same sort of bonding that we did with our using friends. We feel lonely, scared, helpless, angry and we get around our people, but now those people are into recovering and making a great life out of it. Get some people around you Shanon. Go where the love is. I can't do this on my own, but together We can
not going to make the 7 am meeting today but maybe the 2:15 and the 8 pm one definitely will be the one that I get a chance to go to. I am tired this am is all I can really say right now. Been up since 4 am and tired as hell right now.
that's your disease talking plain and simple. Of course your disease doesn't want you to continue to work the program, your disease wants to kill you. listen to the little voice that says "help me". you shouldn't be afraid of what your sponsor has to say. that really sounds like an excuse to say **** it. what part of the first step isn't working for you. how did you relapse? 
It sounds like you may be in a small town? I'm sure that's tough. I'm sorry to hear you so down and I wish I could give you a big hug. Pray. You are an important peice of this world just like anyone else and if your sponsor is incapable of non-judgement and unconditional love than that is her/ his issue. Try and pray and I'll pray too;)
