Hey guys, just wanted to take a moment to tell everyone where I'm at. A few weeks ago I made the decision to use. I guess I thought I could squeeze 1 more in and get away with it. Truth is, I know better I just did'nt want to believe it. As the saying goes 1 is too many and a 1000 never enough. 3 weeks later I've used 2 more times and spent a bunch of money that I dont have. The money is not important and some may say "only three times" but it's the way that I feel that I can't live with. I've been around long enough to know that honesty is the only way to break the cycle so HERE I AM! Went to a meeting today and picked up a white fob. It was a big cellibration meeting and people actually lined up to hug me! I mean like 25 people! it was a pretty awsome experiance! My sponsor made me put the fob on my key chain instead of just throwing it in the box with "all the others" and let me tell you there alot of others. "Make this one important" he said. Yea, Ill do that. Guess I should read my own tag phrase once and a while. lol.
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It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
Welcome back Jay. I'm glad you made it, some aren't so lucky. Several years ago I sponsored a guy when I wasn't ready to be a sponsor, but my ego said I needed some sponsees. Needless to say, he didn't stay clean for long and neither did I. However, I eventually got clean, while he continued to struggle; in and out of sick relationships, in and out of the rooms. One night while they were both using, he got into a fight with his girlfriend and in a fit of rage, poured gasoline on her and lit it.
Today this guy is 35 and doing 65 years for murder. He was one of the nicest guys I ever met, but the drugs turned him into someone he didn't want to be...
Do I blame myself? No, I know I'm not directly responsible, but do I feel some guilt? You bet! My ego absolutely endangered his life and impacted the lives of others I didn't even know....
Jails, Institutions, and Death
Welcome Back, Jay. Please stay.
-- Edited by dan h at 00:03, 2008-12-15
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Hey Jay, welcome back. Glad that you made it. I'd like to hear (and it would be good for other newcomers to hear) what you think was lacking in your program and what extra effort you intend to put forth to be successful with your recovery.
I was a habitual retread for 2 years, stuck in the revolving door of the program. I knew, not so deep down, about my reservation about the aspects of program, steps, frequency of meetings, sponsorship, involvement in the fellowship, service work, changing my circle of friends, relationship with my higher power... and where I was lacking. Each time that I came back, I added another missing element, until the last time where I surrendered and realized that I was sicker than most, and that what intellect that I had was working against me. It was then that I acquired the gifts of desperation and willingness. It was then that I decided to do every single thing that I'd heard other doing, to insure their sobriety, to keep mine. We are never out of the woods, and we can never let our guard down, especially in the first few years. Statistically, our chances at long term recovery, are slim until we get passed 5 years, as 90%+ drop out before the reach 5 years. We have a 1 in 20 chance of making it. So you have to ask yourself "How is my program better than the other 19 people that Have to leave, so that I can stay and receive this gift?" What make me worthy to receive it? Work hard, and put your recovery 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in your life and you won't fail.
Thanks guys, Its hard for me to put a finger on what is lacking. I have a sponsor, I have a good network, I go to meetings regularly, I was working step 1. I Know that one of my biggest triggers is money and free time. I know that Ive had trouble surrendering to the idea that I need others to help me with my money. This relapse started when I took control of the money again. I knew I was in trouble I just did'nt want to admit it. I have people who are more than willing to help me, people I know I can trust. I've since talked to them and made arangments. I think that sticking with this for a year or more would be a great idea and I am now more than willing to commit to this. One of the other things I have trouble doing is picking up the phone when I really need to. The few times I have It worked. I talk to people daily about how Im doing, but when that moment comes I choke. So I guess I know exactly whats lacking. A DEEPER LEVEL OF SURRENDER. I'm 39 and I've been at this for about 20 yrs now. I did have about 8 yrs clean at one time. The last three yrs since has been hell!
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It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
Hi Jay, thanks for sharing. It's good to get to know what's going on with you. I can relate to the money thing. Even in early sobriety I seemed to spend too much and borrow money to get by even though I made way more than I needed to pay my bills. It got old and I looked for ways to save money and spend less.
One cool thing that I did was get interested in collecting music CDs. I would go to these used CD stores, that had CD players set up to listen to the CDs before you buy them. I would go in there look for an hour and find half a dozen, sit down and scan thru them and wind up buying like one or two for $7 each. I was very satisfying and rewarding but I only spent like $10 or $15 at a time. What I came to realize was that my compulsive self didn't know the difference between spending $20 from $200 or $2000. So I got that little charge out of small amount of money and entertained myself for and hour or two (sound familiar?).
I may have switched addictions, but I sure did lesson the damage factor and came home with something of value that I could use. My other thing is collecting coffee mugs from the places that I travel to. Once again a small investment for something that I can use, that satisfied my compulsion to buy something. Sounds stupid doesn't it? But so does all that other stuff that I used to do. I probably spend too much time on the internet (you think? ) but for the most part it's free and it keeps me off the streets.
So I guess that thing to do is keep busy doing dumb stuff, that's realitively harmless. I don't know what the fellowship is like where you're at, but I was able to hook up with a lot recovering peeps in early recovery doing mundane stuff like bowling, bike riding, motorcycle riding, playing tennis, scuba diving, going to movies. Just fill you schedule up for a couple years and before you know it your life will be a lot different and you'll feel like a different person. It has to happen because "The same man will use again".
Jay no shame in relapse most of us have been there dun that , ME it was over an over again big huge retread for many years.
i got over 5 years clean and relapsed MAN what a dissapointment but you know what , that relapse was the one that made , no forced me to take a real honest look at who the hell I was and what the hell I was thinking alllll these years also made me look at just how honest I was with MYSELF .
The thing is we play games, we go along with the con came, conning ourselves first then everyone else.
Once the con is up the games over you know honestly deep down inside theres no good reason, no good excuse no place left in your life to use anymore, the lie is up all thats left is to get clean and stay clean no matter what,once you get to that place where drugs no longer have a place or purpose to fill in your life you can go forward and stay clean.
Before you nned to make a phone call you need to save your own ass and how is that done ? by working this program by going to the steps and walking through them 1 by 1 thats going to give you your inventory on whats happening in you life and in your head at that very moment, we have to take inventory allll the time so we know where we're at and why certain things are happening, then get on the phone and you've got something to talk about.
Talk about fear talk about dissapointment and pain talk about whats eating at you inside then take responsibilty for those feelings thats another thing you may not be doing ?
I know it's not easy to get to that point of real surrender but thats our last hope for some of us, we have to realize we're BEAT DOWN we cannot any longer handle mind altering chemicals in our system.
I was at a party last night and a lot of drinking was going on I didn't have one single desire to drink it was nice to say no thanks hell i even sniffed a shot glass of tequilla LOL how the hell could someone want to drink that crap smells horrible and I remember exactly how it tastes and how I felt after drinking that stuff YUK YUK PUKE!!! it's just not in me to do it any longer It made me sick physically it makes me sick emotionally and spiritually and it definetly makes me sick mentally I no longer have a desire to use because I no longer have any REASONS OR EXCUSES to use they are gone.
You know I am available to all you guys, men on this board to talk any time you need to talk we can talk I would be happy to share my ESH with you, send me an email address and I will get you my number.
) but for the most part it's free and it keeps me off the streets. 
