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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Seeking some perspective
Post Info TOPIC: Seeking some perspective
Allsion1978


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Seeking some perspective
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Hello,
I am searching for some insight and perspective, and not knowing who I could talk to about this, I've come here. I would deeply appreciate any thoughts and advice on my situation you might have.

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man I care about deeply for 7 months. He has been sober for over two decades, and was an active member of NA up until the last year. He still talks with his friends weekly, and they have occasional lunches, but he no longer regularly attends meetings. He is the most caring, respectful, and loving man I have ever known and I have enjoyed how easily and openly we communicate. I know I am blessed to have him in my life. I'm head over heels for him. I love love LOVE him. : )

My mom is coming to visit for Thanksgiving (a getting-to-know-you-introduction is set to take place at his house.) Last night I was cleaning up his home a bit preparing for her, when I found a zip lock baggy on his desk with what appeared to be crushed up light pink pills. I am slow to understand things at times, and while it didn't register at first, I felt something was wrong with it. As we sorted away I quickly passed it off to him as he just as quickly took it and walked away. I thought about it all night but didn't ask about it. I may be reading to much into his actions, but I sensed he was shook up. I waited until this morning to write him an email, to really say what I mean. I told him I didnt want to invade his privacy while cleaning, but whatever it was in the baggy it disturbed me and that I couldnt stop thinking about it. He responded first saying it was ok for me to ask him about it, he wasn't sure what it was, then that it had to have been some of his medication that got crushed up in his overnight bag.

Well. I don't want to second guess him, he has never given me any reason to, but I am. I don't want to talk to my mom about this but I hear her voice in my ear saying "hello, red flag." (I've missed quite a few of those in the past and have since vowed to her to be on the look-out.) I want to believe him, to forget about it, and continue to enjoy our blissful time together undisturbed. But two things nag at me. One, I remember the amount being substantial enough to be at at least 4-6 pills depending on the size, and two it was like it was a finely ground powder. I don't know if I am over thinking this, but it seems like it would take concentrated effort to get that quantity of pills to that consistency.

I feel sad and scared and the open and easy communication between us that I am so very proud of is failing me now. I want to confront him about it again, but I have never had to "call him out" on anything before and before I make it an issue... I guess I wanted some sort of validation that I had enough reason to.

Please, has what I have described given me right to continue to be suspicious? If I have reason to be alarmed, in what way can I approach it with him so that he feels safe to confide in me?

Thank you for reading it through!
Allie

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AnthonyG


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hi allie. dont want to freak you out but a couple things come to mind..first off recovering addicts dont crush thier pills. thats an old habit from old days.. there are many pills that come in a pink color. the first one that came to my mind reading your post is ambien..its a sleep aid that takes on an entirely new character when crushed and snorted. also methamphetamine can come in pink. I m thinking you have a problem. the three Cs of alanon..1) you didnt cause it 2) you cant control it 3) you cant cure it. take care of yourself, good luck.

  Im sorry, forgot to put in , check your listing for local alanon or co-dependants anonymous meetings. they can be very helpful for you.

-- Edited by AnthonyG at 00:10, 2008-11-25

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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .

                         Yasutani Roshi
DeanC


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Hey Allie,
not sure what the pink substance could be, but his initial reaction was somewhat telling. If he wasn't sure what it was, why grab them and walk away saying nothing? Why would someone take medication out of a prescription bottle, with their name on it, and put it in a bag? If they were controlled substances, taken them out of a bottle with your name on it and placing them in a bag represents an illegal possession of a controlled substance as the person would have no way of proving that they were legal. Not a good idea.

One of the worst parts of this disease is dishonesty and the practice of hiding a separate lifestyle. Anthony's recommendations are good ones, but I would add that 7 months is hardly a period of time to get to know someone well. Imo, people who are dating are on "their best behavior" for at least 6-12 months. If it were me, I'd take a step back emotionally and realize how well you don't know this person and give him time to prove himself one way or the other, say another year.

By your comments, It sounds like this is not the first addict or alcoholic, that you've been involved with. Was/is one of your parents one?

Good luck

Dean

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Allsion1978


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Thank you so much for your responses Dean and Anthony.
You've both given me much to think about. I hadn't thought about why he would put it in the zip-lock baggy in the first place- it is just as easy (and as you point out legally sound) to pack up the entire bottle instead of separating out if he was packing up his medicine in his overnight bag.

Dean, my ex-husband of four years is addicted to pot and both of my parents struggled with alcohol dependency while I was growing up but, to those on the outside they always remained "functional."

You are very right- although we hit the relationship fast and furiously, 7 months is not a lot of time to truly get to know one another. He is a teacher, respected community member, and seems to be proud of his 20+ years sober saying he wouldn't change a thing about his past as it made him into who he is today. This is the first time I have seen any indication that he might be using again and, although I know pot addiction in and out, I wasn't sure if what I found was enough to continue to be alarmed. When you say I need to give him time to prove himself, do you mean I should not press it again but just observe how things continue?


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DeanC


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At this point, you all are just dating and have no financial ties, you don't live together so I'd say it's his business. If he's using and he's an addict/alcoholic it's not likely that he'll be able to maintain as if he weren't for an extended period. Enjoy your relationship, just take it one day at a time and don't project about the future, because you may not have one, if he slides back into active addiction. The hardest part for you is to realize that there is absolutely nothing that you can do for his problem.

In the mean time, I'd educate myself about codependency http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

http://www.codependents.org/ So you can figure out how to keep your side of the relationship healthy, set boundaries, and how to end the relationship if necessary.

I got a lot of help reading books by John Bradshaw- "On the family", "Healing the shame the bids you", "Homecoming".

Good luck,

Dean

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ItsAllGolden


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They also have reliable, relatively cheap drug tests at Wal-Mart (I made my husband take one when I thought he was using)...if he's not using, what's there to be offended by or afraid of?

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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
Honey Bear


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HONEY

Your own words......

"HELLO RED FLAG"

CONFRONT HIM

He STOPPED GOING TO MEETING

WHO CARES IF HE LUNCHES with old friends IF HE IS GOING to be in a relationship with you you deserve to know...ARE YOU USING OR NOT?

Are you arfraid of offending him?

ADDICTION IS LIFE OR DEATH
THE END
Sorry for being so bold but its the truth. Your not married to him and you can easily walk away if he doesnt respect you enough to give it to you straight.

If he does tell you the truth he is using again tell him he has to go back to meetings or your leaving him.

My husband used again and I told him get your ass in the car your going to the ER or I am divorcing you. He wound up in ICU for a few days. This is nothing to be gentle about.

xox
Honey Bear

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rocky


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druggies know druggies and if your nose is twitching there is a reason for it talk to the man and get it over with if you have already then i hope you got what you needed to get from him it is hard enough on us as it is to do this thing called sobriety we don't need that kind of suspicion in our lives good luck and god bless
rocky

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 some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will  be a winner
Honey Bear


Senior Member

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Date:
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Please let us know what you found out!~

xox
HB

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