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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> I need a tangent...
Post Info TOPIC: I need a tangent...
ItsAllGolden


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I need a tangent...
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I am not looking for pity, nor am I sitting around boo-hoo'ing (at the moment)...I just need to go off on a blind rant.

I'm really sick and tired at the moment of all this shit that life has been throwing at me. I moved to Georgia filled with a hope that I have not had since very early on in recovery. A hope of a better life, hope for the future, faith in my Higher Power. Since moving here, little by little, my life has chipped away into something I loathe, a sort of chaos that is my own personal hell. I could just write and write and write about all this crazy shit, all this depressing crap, but I'll summerize:

Most recent, my husband has pretty much been told he has prostate cancer, yet we have no insurance and no money to get a biopsy to be for certain. My mother-in-law's house (our current home) has been forclosed and the sell date was this past Tuesday. I now have no job, yet I have bills that need paid. I can't call anyone because I have no long distance (that went with the cell phone that got turned off). The fridge seems to run bare every other day, Ramen Noodles get really old, really quickly. There's so much stress in this place my husband & I are wit's ends with one another all the time.

These things are just the tip of the iceberg. So many random other things have gone completely awry since coming here. I've thought so often of going back to my mother's in Ohio, yet it would be without my husband because he refuses to return there. I'm just simply exhausted. I slept 15 hours yesterday due to just not caring to get out of bed. My faith has slowly diminshed to practically nothing. I'm so angry at God right now I can barely stand to pray, which I've been doing regularly despite my feelings, or lack of feelings towards my Higher Power.

I just needed to vent for a minute because I feel like a lost lunatic with no hope.

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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
BigV


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Boy just when i thought i had it bad you have to come along and blow my pity party out of the water bleh



We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him




That can get difficult in trying times i know but in trying times I try not to blame God rather turn to him for strength and directions and maybe even a little peace, he's not doing this to you this it your life on it's terms .

I am not going to tell you what you need to do other then for you to search inside and with your higher power to find that direction.

Thrid step prayer,

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.

May I do Thy will always!"

SERENITY PRAYER SONG BEAUTIFULLY DONE


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHIO_1JlBKc&feature=related


I will be praying for and with you.

OH my this is lovely, take a rest girl and listen let go all your worrys and take some peace out time.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnJwwfCYDqw&feature=related

-- Edited by BigV at 01:02, 2008-11-06

-- Edited by BigV at 01:10, 2008-11-06

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Tahir


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Thank you Golden for sharing, blessings and hugs.

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
steveo


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Things will get better. Like I said in my post I moved hundreds of miles from my home town to try and get a better life. What I didn't say was that I threw some clothes in my car got in and drove until I was sick of driveing. I had no money no prospects and no hope. I still have no money limited prospects, no job but my future is full of hope because I kicked my addiction. If you have stayed away from your addiction you are way ahead of the game. Even though I have no cell phone no good food to eat or family close to me I have the love of my wife that means more to me than any material things. She and I have plenty of health problems to. We keep pushing through each day with our heads held high and I really hope you do the same.  

Steve

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Steve
AnthonyG


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Thanks golden, Your in my prayers. Together WE can. Just hold on to being clean, and trust your higher power. There have been many days that those things are all I have.

  Im and addict named anthony

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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .

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DeanC


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wow, I was already feeling grateful today but your sharing just pushed it into a new dimension. I just drove through Georgia today, along with NC, SC, and half of FL coming home from the Blueridge. Golden, sounds like you need some help, have you been asking others, besides your higher power? I'd like to help you, send me an email. smile.gif  deck@tampabay.rr.com

Dean




-- Edited by DeanC at 18:44, 2008-11-07

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Davethewave


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Wow is right, that really stinks. You are in my prayers, I hope things improve for you and your family.....

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Dave
ItsAllGolden


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We've out-resourced ourselves...the American Cancer Society, the state department of human services, social security, all the local churches, all the local "free" clinics/agencies, United Way, Legal Aid, Patient Advocacy services, family, friends, banks, lawyers, doctors...that may be the end of reaching out asking for help (all aside from the big HP). No one can help at this point. They are all tapped out or there was never anything they could do in the first place...or in the case of the state and federal govt. "helping" agencies, we just have to wait to find out if we are eligible for their help. Nowhere else really to turn that I know of.

I realize this entire nation is in a recession, and instead of waiting for the storm to pass, I just need to learn to dance in the rain. But, I'm exhausted. I've never in my life been through so much emotional turmoil in such a short span of time. I've been here not even two months, and I feel like a battle worn veteran, shaking from the nightmare of war.

I know drugs (even if they were a viable option at this point) won't and don't work to eleviate my suffering. If anything they make the pain more real, and then compound the problem by adding more problems. Somedays I just feel like happiness and gratitude are ideals I'll never again reach. They seem so far away. I woke up this morning, my 30th birthday in prayer, and needless to say at this point, it was a pretty ugly prayer. Telling my HP how unhappy I am, and how I don't know how to even be grateful anymore for what things I do have. I have a headache right now from sobbing. I miss my life as it was, and I fear the future since my faith is lacking tremendously.

Thank you guys for listening (or reading) and for your prayers. I'm so tired. I pray for strength, and the hours drain what little bit I have left outta me. I want serenity back. I want spirituality back. I want my happiness and love back. I feel like I ooze with hate and discontent nowadays. I just don't even know where to start. Something's gotta give somewhere soon, before I just break into a million pieces.

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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
BigV


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I have a telephone card charged up with 240 minutes on it and i will give you the numbers off that card if so you can make  calls just let me know.


You have a lot of problems to face but give yourself a break from all of that somehow , stay in prayer and lean on your higher power something sooner or later will open up for you just keep your faith and courage.

If I can help in any way I will certainly try I can be reached at


naway@12stepforums.net

We love you and I am praying for Gods loving grace in all your lives there in Georgia...

-- Edited by BigV at 23:12, 2008-11-07

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It's all about spirituality...
harryw


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surrender instead of strength.
accepting instead of self-pity.
you are in my prayers.

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John


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I remember a time in my recovery that I shared how bad my life sucked with my sponsor.  He smiled after I was done ranting about everything, and said, "You are making progress".  Puzzled, I started to repeat all the crap going on in my life, he smiled that smile they teach in sponsorship school, and repeated, "You are most definetely making progress".  Aggrevated I asked, how the heck could he call what I was going through "progress".

He replied, "well, your life sucked for 30 years in active addiction and you didn't have a clue.  At least now when its really sucky, you are able to acknowledge it."

He was right, LIFE was happening and I was responding to it, instead of reacting to it. 
He always said, "give your self time, you'll feel better".
It was some time later when he informed me that I would feel good better and bad better, but either way I was "feeling" better.

Sounds like you are feeling.  There can be no healing where there is no feeling.

Lastly, it sounds like you have a awesome relationship with your HP.  Don't have to feel guility, or fearful for being angry at HP.  Thats an indicator that your recovery is in place.

John



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Tahir


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thanks John for sharing that, NA Hugs.

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
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