Yesterday I went to Church and as I walked into the sanctuary all I saw were white carnations all over the place. I looked at the board and realized it was All Saints Sunday. I took my spot as usual all the way in the back in the pew. I sat there and I started to feel some feelings I didn't want to feel. Well I wanted to escape,run,and use. I couldn't do any of the above. So I was sitting there listening to my pastor speaking about how he had to tell his 2 very young children about a friend of theirs that had died. His daughter cried and said how she missed this little 5 year old boy. His son said Daddy it is hard for me to cry cause I don't want to fill the house with water. I lost it right there and I just started crying. I don't like to show any feelings in public ok. Well then we are singing the last hymn and the pastor that was preaching comes and stands next to me gives me a hug. We do announcements at the end he sits next to me. I don't like being noticed much at all. I end up crying. I came home and I found this book my mom had called 24 hours a day. She had written in it and it says:
May A.A. become a new way of life within you, full of love and honesty. Remember, Emotional turmoil before Spiritual Progress and "One Day at a time" works fine. Good luck new friend, be on your way and don't look back.
Love, Karen
I think about this it was written 4 years before I was born. It had no one's name written to. I know her ex husband was an alcoholic but he gave it back to her. I am sitting here with it like it was really meant for me to have this book. Like she knew deep in her heart her last child she was going to have was going to have a problem. She wrote this to me and I understand it. She is telling me it is okay to feel this pain I am having right now.
I leave we had a service of rememberance last night. I went to it. But before I went, I called my sponsor and we talked she said promise me if you go and do this you will come to the meeting and sit next to me. I went to the service of rememberance for my mom. I light the candle and I said her name Karen, my mother my best friend. I said this quickly and sat down in the back once again. Then the pastor says peace to all and we said peace be with you. I start just balling away and crying. There were 10 people there including myself. Mainly all women and 2 men who are the pastors. I got a hug and these women said it is okay to feel this cry and cry. I cried and cried. My senior pastor who is getting ready to retire gave me a dad hug to me. Then the other Pastor who is in the AA fellowship comes over and says come here my friend and gives me this huge hug and just tells me it is okay embrace this pain you are feeling right now. Then this morning I wake up and check my email and my pastor emailed me and it said: What an honor to be with you last night at the Service of Remembrance! I am like an honor to be with my but why with me? I know he is in AA. But I am only coming up on 6 months clean this month. I now embrace this pain and I know it shall pass. I didn't use over it but I felt the hurt, pain, sadness, loneliness, exhastion I had with this. I did end up at my sponsor's house for most of the night last night. She tells me it is okay for me to feel this pain of mine and I said 1 mask is slowly being taken off and a part of my wall is crumbling down.
Shannon all I can say is you are really blessed and hang onto that blessing your going to have a good life. Thanks so much for your sharing I was touched and brought back down to earth from dealing with my own troubles this morning
How do you figure that I am really blessed I just don't see it where. I can't believe that my sharing really helps anyone anymore? I am less than 6 months clean. But this is what I realized today I just grew a little bit also. It was like I was experiencing my mom's death again, but it wasn't a physical death it was a spiritual death and then somehow she was re-created and I know she is spiritual again. Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone or is it just me? If it makes sense to you maybe you can explain it to me. I get 6 months this month. It is now ok for me to feel this little bit of crying I did yesterday and today.
Hey Shannon lemme see if I can explain this properly like.
We all heal through other people, a newcomer comes along even newer then you and reads what you have written, feels this pain you express maybe even knows your pain themselves and maybe this person has all of this held down inside of them and keeps using because of fear of all that getting out all that pain and hurt and sadness and here you are expressing that your able to do all of this yet not use THAT is how your helping.
AA calls it talk therapy, by sharing we help others by sharing we help ourselves by dumping out all the STUFF inside we make room for courage and faith and God's will for us. We think less of ourselves once we are purged of these things that hold us down and weight down our spirit.
I also shows others that working the program WORKS ,,,HELLO lol
It also shows that your able to be comfortable in your own skin , though there is discomfort it does pass, everything pass's where as before everything got held on to with claw marks in it .
Most of us are very , no extremely sensitive people most lack trust most have been hurt in one form or another and here is where we are able to share with others who understand us.
So give yourself credit where its due or let one of us give it to you until you can start giving it to yourself, thats love Shannon
What a great share shannon, thank you for it its a great thing this feeling of feelings, for to long i have covered them up and made it appear to the outside world that i was ok that everything was fine. I'm sure you relate that everything wasn't fine as a matter of fact everything was far from fine.
I spent my first maybe 45 meetings crying at every one of them, And church ? Forget about it, I'm a rolling bundle of wet crying flesh from the moment i enter. This tells me that despite my very best effort I was not able to kill my spirit, God knows i tried, but its still intact.
Your story was very nice, it was touching and filled with love,. Maybe its a gift you cant quite see yet.
Will you indulge me in one tiny suggestion ? You state you've ONLY been clean 6 months . 6 months ? wow..WAY TO GO. That is a true string of miracles stacked end to end one day at a time . You and I and all of here are truly blessed. Don't minimalize this miracle by prefacing with an ONLY. You deserve so much better.
NA luv and hugs Anthony G
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you Shannon for sharing your grief with us. What you shared really really helped me Shannon, exactly what I needed to hear at this point of time. Congrats on the Big 6 Miraculous months Clean, way to go!
I just lost my father to cancer, 3 weeks back. Even though I cannot imagine what you might be going through, I know how it feels to lose a loved one, and it does help me to know that I'm not the only one, that I'm not alone... NA Hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It is hard cause when you are using you loose so much. She never got to see me clean. But what she wrote in that book I feel was meant for me and no one else. I want that more than anything else of hers right now. I feel like I have had to have 2 deaths for her the first one was the physical death which I didn't grieve at all. Then I had to have a second death for her which I think was from a Spiritual stand point or even maybe it should be called the emotional death. I am not sure how to explain this but it felt like she had just died for me that day. I had some peace once I just let it go. I will have my moments I am sure but not sure of it. I had a moment this morning where I cried a little bit cause yes even if she is not here I am still missing her deeply. She was my friend the one who loved me no matter of how much crap I put her through. I mean there were times when cops were called on me and all of that good stuff. I was even kicked out of my own house by my sister and I had refused to talk to my parents at that time. But this is what the lifestyle did to me. It brought me from chicken salad sandwiches to Chicken shit sandwiches. I am just very grateful to be where I am at today. I have licked the computer addiction also as you can see now on here all the time. It was subconciously dealing with that one day I didn't want to deal with.
Maybe your mother was still there with you in spirit, at last, seeing you living clean before she moved on... These things might seem incomprehensible if we try to perceive it all with rationalization, reasoning and logic, the limited tools that we as human beings are given. I've come to believe in something beyond, and even see it as a simple reality if I look through the eyes of this spiritual program, through the eyes of the Steps. My Sponsor always says "this is not a thinking program, you cannot think the Steps and move on in recovery. It's a feeling program, you have to get in touch with your emotions and your senses." I did not understand what my Sponsor meant way back then, but slowly as I followed direction, I have come to experience a spiritual reality which is simple yet miraculous and unimaginable without the help of the Steps. Today, I know that I have a toolbox of spiritual principles contained in these Twelve Steps that can remove me from the limited perspective of thinking and doing, into a greater reality of feeling and being.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
hi, my name is amyj..i have only 90something days clean(AGAIN!!!)anyway i too was touched by what you said. no matter how many days clean we have we all have something to offer the newcomer as well as the oldtimer! we usually do not even know when or how we helped someone.but we do. your pain can be someone elses healing.your screw ups can be someone elses hope for recovery! hang in there!it took most along time to get so screwed up...what makes us think we can improve overnite! i tell myself as long as im not giving up i am progressing!!! get all that crap out...let go or get dragged!!!!thanks for sharing!!!!
Yes in fact I just hit my six month mark and it does get better. It just seems with me it had to get worst the journey I was on and then when I went over my 1st step with my sponsor a new awareness came over me. A sense of relief. Keep up the good work and do what you need to do. It does get better with each and every day we are clean. Welcome back. I am going back to counseling now for the grief part of my mom's death for I still haven't gotten over her death just yet. But I will eventually and hopefully will. All I can do is apply the principles in my life just for today. I don't plan on using ever again.
until you can start giving it to yourself, thats love Shannon
anyway i too was touched by what you said. no matter how many days clean we have we all have something to offer the newcomer as well as the oldtimer! we usually do not even know when or how we helped someone.but we do. your pain can be someone elses healing.your screw ups can be someone elses hope for recovery! hang in there!it took most along time to get so screwed up...what makes us think we can improve overnite! i tell myself as long as im not giving up i am progressing!!!
get all that crap out...let go or get dragged!!!!thanks for sharing!!!!
