Ok those of you with wives or girlfriends know how DIFFICULT they can be, hey them girls were born on venus thats a lot further out there in space then Mars AHHHHHH HAHAHHAH
So anyhow how much spirituality do you have to practice on a daily basis with them to keep life peaceful in the house? and what are your personal secrets ?
PLEASE HELP ME I am a drowning man here feel like i keep hitting my head against this female brick wall with my girl LOL I have to give myself some credit and she does too I am getting better then I have been but surreneder is a hard thing LOL.
BigV, you're using generalities, which is probably indicative of the "problem" lol.
Hey, have you stopped to think that maybe you've just got a dysfunctional unit (just like all the other ones you picked) and that it has little to do with women in general, but more about the generality of the ones that you choose?
Hey, I don't want to add insult to injury but generally we only attract people that are about as healthy as we are. That's why I'm kinda glad that Mr. Winkie dislikes me
just for the record dean..i happen to be a very close friend of mr winkies and he never disliked you, He was just having a very hard time with some " sugesstionns ". You may be interested to know that he is attending meetings daily and working hard on himself. Hes getting involved in service , and as per your sugesstion he even goes to the OTHER program if thats what it takes. . Much is being thown his way but he is handling it well, And the friends he has found in here are constantly on his mind. He
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Well, V, I don't see how having your own forum would be helpful when what you really need is a woman's perspective.
Honestly, though, you already know that surrender is a good place to start. For me, the biggest help in a relationship is to shut up. I just don't need to say everything I want to. By remaining quiet for a while, I buy myself some time to process what I'm really feeling and to think about how I wish to respond. Intellect over emotion, baby.
You guys/gals got me giggling here I have a pretty sound woman and other then some baggage of her own and her age which is much younger then mine by about 14 years LOL she's quite sound of mind and very reasonable I just need to quit talking back like Blithe says LOLOLOL I have a yapper mouth and dont let things just go and lie down quietly.
So yeah it's on me and i know this I still play the blame game some I feel really fortunate and lucky to have met her and spent the last 15 months with her thus far and want a life with her one day but life's thrown us some curve balls and since meeting her she moved an hour or so away God must have saw fit that miles should be between us LOL the last 4 girlfriends I have had have been long distance to some extent I made those choices then with the last 3 but this gal was right here in town when I met her but i didn't know her plans of moving at the time. Anyhow that's a little frustrating just trying to accept Gods will in my life and his test of patience and timing, I never get what I want RIGHT when I want it anyhow so why should this be different.
It's taken quite some time to figure out this female specie LOL and I still don't have it figured out yet or I wouldn't be having these troubles but then again I still would since I'm still some what of a mess , thank you for the response by no means am I saying i am not truly in love with this gal because I damn sure am even if she is from Venus :)P
Hi Vin,, Ill take the liberty of suggesting to you what works for me. Each day I seek about 20 miutes to just sit and be Silent. The mind seems to come into clean space again after that. Thats the time when answer comes because in Quiet. Please do try it,,,has helped the many and should work for you too as it has given me immense measures of Serenity !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
yes theres a Meditative excercise called THE POWER OF FIVE !! Just five minutes of concentrating how you are feeling and what you are thinking. No reactions,no judgements no attempts to change anything. Its like the mind watching the mind. Just five minurtes if enough. Want to try and do that at least for five days at a stretch from today ?
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hey Raman I spent about 5 minutes this morning after reading the JFT man that was right on spot for me today.
whelp I am sick for the second day in a row now not sure whats up maybe slight flu, and I feel real weak.
I just lowered my head and let everything go , wept over all my fears I then felt the presence of my Father patting my head and giving me a hug saying everything will be ok no worrys I then realized that the hugs I dislike so much from others are just what I need in times like these.
I flashed back to a time in my life that was so dark and my higher power came to me in a prison cell, I was alone and it was christmas eve, I felt like the lowest thing on this planet , I had come to a place in my life that i no longer wanted to be I was so sick of finding myself in those places because of my drug addiction and life style. I began coversing with my higher power and it was like he was in that cell with me and we talked for an hour at least hashing things out it was very vivid and real. I was told this was my last go round and that it was time to get my life in order and not to fear that order but to go with it.
As the Jsut for Today says
"We came to Narcotics Anonymous because of our drug addiction. But underlying that, many of us felt a deep sense of bewilderment with life itself. We seemed to be lost, wandering a trackless waste with no one to guide us. Prayer is a way to gain direction in life and the power to follow that direction.
Because prayer plays such a central part in NA recovery, many of us set aside a particular time each day to pray, establishing a pattern. In this quiet time, we "talk" to our Higher Power, either silently or aloud. We share our thoughts, our feelings, our day. We ask, "What would you have me do?" At the same time we ask, "Please give me the power to carry out your will."
Right on time as usual my higher power speaking to me and you helping to guide me there my Brother, all is good today .
well well well, I don't think a mens forum is such a bad idea, But I don't think that would be endorsed by NA, but there may be a way to do it, as there are a lot of people with much more experience than me.
now on with the relationships.
When I came to NA and got a sponsor , he was an Na nazi but also very open minded and had me seek outside help.
I met some women in the rooms who were great great teachers, and I did Imago work with some of them. From there i met my current wife and we did imago and started to go to workshops together and to get okay with ourselves first and then work on the relationship. She is light years ahead of me even tho I have worked my ass off for the last 12 years.
I found through working the steps and other work that my family of origin helped shape my current adult relationships and have been working on that every since. i go on retreats and do the work, and try to apply it in my life. Communication is key, there are definitely gender differences but I have learned to look at my wife a s a human being, that may sound trite but as an addict, I don't want to get close to anyone much less own their humanity and mine.
it donned on me when she had an MS attack and couldn't walk right, I didn't even think twice about helping her out , I made some progess, still got a long way to go but I reached out in love, I couldn't do anything like that when I first came in the program. its an honor.
What I hear loud and clear in your posts is , and I may be wrong , but your caution to act out in anger. That is a great start, I have done more damage with that defect. My wife isn't resposible for "my bag of cheetos" as Mark L. so eloquently puts it.
sorry for sounding like a know it all old -timer I am not but I am grateful to be clean...
Viablex thanks and BTW we're not endorsed right here by NA because we're not a homegroup with an address LOL but we are allowed certain things still and many of us are members of NA in real life as is the admin of this site.
The steps are a intrigual part of my living today and I do apply them and spiritual principles and thats helping out. I think I may actually be maturing some LOL but i'm also learning to practice certain valuable principles , practice is the the key especially when frustrated with discomforts.
I am the way I am but i'm not stuck there I we can change sometimes it's tough adjusting to that change and it takes time, patience tolerance and acceptance are traits of Love, we learn to love here I came here totally unable to do that today I am learning and feeling it too.
You heard me right about the anger thats a week spot for me I react badly usually rather then respond with love and kindness but i'm starting to get the hang of it
well well well, I don't think a mens forum is such a bad idea, But I don't think that would be endorsed by NA, but there may be a way to do it, as there are a lot of people with much more experience than me.
now on with the relationships.
When I came to NA and got a sponsor , he was an Na nazi but also very open minded and had me seek outside help.
I met some women in the rooms who were great great teachers, and I did Imago work with some of them. From there i met my current wife and we did imago and started to go to workshops together and to get okay with ourselves first and then work on the relationship. She is light years ahead of me even tho I have worked my ass off for the last 12 years.
I found through working the steps and other work that my family of origin helped shape my current adult relationships and have been working on that every since. i go on retreats and do the work, and try to apply it in my life. Communication is key, there are definitely gender differences but I have learned to look at my wife a s a human being, that may sound trite but as an addict, I don't want to get close to anyone much less own their humanity and mine.
it donned on me when she had an MS attack and couldn't walk right, I didn't even think twice about helping her out , I made some progess, still got a long way to go but I reached out in love, I couldn't do anything like that when I first came in the program. its an honor.
What I hear loud and clear in your posts is , and I may be wrong , but your caution to act out in anger. That is a great start, I have done more damage with that defect. My wife isn't resposible for "my bag of cheetos" as Mark L. so eloquently puts it.
sorry for sounding like a know it all old -timer I am not but I am grateful to be clean...
I am glad this board is here
MAtto
Matto, that's awesome experience, strength and hope. I can relate a lot with what you shared as my experiences with my wife are a bit similar with what you shared. Thank you so much for sharing. Members sound like know-it-all when they share because they do have experienced and known what they share. It always helps my recovery if I give the benefit of doubt to members and what they have to share by opening my mind to the message instead of falling into the addictive judgmental trap that my sickhead convinces me to adapt
Anyways, coming back to what you shared about 'family-of-origin' issues, very true. The dysfunctional roles, attitudes and behaviors that I've carried along with me as past baggage into my relationship is what causes me trouble, not the other or other's actions. I have also done lot of intense writing on this aspect as part of my stepwork, explored these 'family-of-origin' dysfunctions that I tend to bring into my current relationships.
Also, just like you shared above, I've observed through my own experiences that love and intimacy can be had in a coupleship only when I'm ready to respect my partner as an equal and healthy adult capable of standing for herself. That means I must be willing to disagree, to address conflict issues with her in a healthy, caring and mutually respectful setting, and if so be, also be willing to fight with her, but fairly To avoid conflicts by trying to sweep them under the rug, for me, means that I end up avoiding the good-side of the relationship too, resulting in lack of intimacy.
Also, BigV, the only way that I've come to understand and practice, to avoid getting trapped in those exhausting and meaningless drag of blame-and-shame games is to reverse the process of blame by taking ownership for my hurts, anger and frustration, as we do in our Step Four. Using "I Feel" statements helps me and my partner immensely in facilitating a healthy communication. Active non-defensive listening, and learning to express issues and feelings across in more neutral and appropriate ways, not interrupting the other until the other is done, avoiding heightened tone of voice, door slamming, walking out on the other, name-calling, using moratorium and time-outs to diffuse the situation when it seems to escalate, acknowledging what the other feels without necessarily feeling responsible for them, detaching from my partner's behavior and not from her, applying my Steps, no baiting, button-pushing or case-building... all of this helps. It might all sound humongous at first, but one-by-one, they can be put to practice. Experiencing commitment, caring and intimacy at these levels, believe me, I could have never imagined possible, at least not for a junkhead like me, if not for this wonderful program.
Lately, from the last year or so, in fact, I feel bored that we don't have those dysfunctional and chaotic fights anymore. The peace and joy of living together even seems unbelievable and scary to experience . We still have fights, disagreements and unresolved conflicts, like this evening when I was out and was on the phone with one of my Sponsees for more than an hour while my wife tried to call me urgently for something. We tried to fight over it after I came home, but found that we both were not at all upto it. So we both surrendered to peace and quiet, and a cosy evening.
I guess I'll keep pouring out the miracles of this program that I have been blessed with when I open my mind and apply it in my relationship on a daily basis, yes, relationships can be quite demanding at times, at least its so for me at times, as it's an entity in itself, it's not 'me', its not 'her', its a third entity 'US'. It does require nourishment and nurturing on a daily basis where I have to follow and practice the 3 Cs - Commitment, Communication and Caring. It's not enough like I thought it was - that we both loved each other and so we got married to live happily everafter. It's about falling in love everyday, it's about expressing that love in constructive action. It's about responsibility. It's about being that much more vigilant about my own personal recovery, above all else. But I guess it's worth it all, when you consider the blessings that my relationship brings into my life - an opportunity to experience true joy, freedom and intimacy as I've never experienced before.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
well, to put it shortly, BigV, I guess we men don't need to understand what a woman is at all to make it work, we just need to understand who we really are, and God-willing, all will be well
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I am a drowning man here feel like i keep hitting my head against this female brick wall with my girl LOL I have to give myself some credit and she does too I am getting better then I have been but surreneder is a hard thing LOL. 
. You may be interested to know that he is attending meetings daily and working hard on himself. Hes getting involved in service , and as per your sugesstion he even goes to the OTHER program if thats what it takes. . Much is being thown his way but he is handling it well, And the friends he has found in here are constantly on his mind. He
