"Recovery begins with surrender." Basic Text Pg 86
Living hopeless is a way of life for an addict.When I came to NA it had been a long time since I had felt any hope.I wanted to believe that I could experience the kind of life that I saw others in NA enjoying, but once again, I didn't feel worthy of a life like that- not a loser like me.Still, you all kept telling me to keep coming, that I could do it if I just surrendered.I tried faking it for a while, wearing a smile and lying about my clean time, but inside I felt more miserable than ever.Then one day it happened- somehow I just knew I'd had enough.I surrendered, and with that surrender I began taking personal responsibility for my life and my recovery.I finally understood that through MY inability to accept personal responsibility (surrender) I was actually creating most of my problems.Hope kept me coming long enough to find that place of surrender, Surrender led me to Acceptance, and Acceptance has become a key to my recovery.Acceptance has given me a new way of looking at things, a new way of thinking, and a new way of life.Acceptance has gotten me back in touch with reality.Learning to practice acceptance has been a hard lesson, but a necessary one.Here's some of what I've learned:
Acceptance, by definition means to receive willingly.If I am not willing, then I'm just tolerating a situation, or resigned to it-- not accepting it.Acceptance involves a conscious act of the will.When I surrender my will and my life to God as I understand Him, then I must believe that God only wants what's best for me; else why would I surrender?And if my God is indeed all-powerful, then He must be in control of every detail of my everyday circumstances.Therefore, whatever happens in my life is happening with His permission and for my ultimate good.Even if I can't see any benefit at the time, I trust that He knows what He's doing.This is what I must Accept- that He loves and cares for me and knows what I need better that I do, and gives me only exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.When I can accept all of this, my life becomes simpler.I can stop fighting against what IS and stop wasting so much time and energy resisting reality.I can start looking for what God is trying to teach me in the moment and stop worrying if I'm going to be ok.This doesn't happen overnight, but over time.Eventually, I come to understand that lasting change happens slowly, sometimes almost imperceptibly, but it does happen.
Today I believe that my quality of life is determined by my Spiritual Condition, not how much money I have, what kind of car I drive, or where I live or work.There is nothing inherently wrong with material possessions, provided they serve me and don't rule me.But I also know I cannot serve two masters; I'm Spiritual first and everything else second. "We put spiritual living first and learn to use patience, tolerance and humility in our daily affairs." (BT Pg 94)I've heard it said that we are not Human Beings trying to live a spiritual life; we are Spiritual Beings struggling with a human experience and I'm just beginning to view life from this perspective.I've developed a whole new set of priorities and most of the time I fall WAY short of my ideal, but today I strive for something I feel good about.Today there is only one way I want to live and that is the NA Way !!
-- Edited by dan h at 04:13, 2008-10-05
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I haven't a reply as of now. I read all of this quite carefully and while I was reading it, i thought, "man, i've always thought i had acceptance, but really what i was working on was tolerance. They kinda mean the same thing to me, sorta, kinda, kinda, sorta." I am learning. I got clean and stayed clean since 04-05-06 and i'd so like to think that i know more than i do (about acceptance), and maybe i do, but i don't think that i apply it like i want to, because of the confusion between tolerance and acceptance. I try, i do try. As long as i am reminded that the process is slow, i think i'll be good.
